Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (48 page)
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Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
“OK, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
Q. Why do blondes wear panties?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
One day a husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, “I need $20, dear. I have to go out and buy some meat.”
“$20! Are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and says, “You see that $20 in the mirror? That one’s yours and this one’s mine.”
He goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.
He looks over to his wife and says, “Where the hell did you get all this meat?”
“Well,” she replies. “Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifting up her skirt.
“You see that in the mirror? Well, that one’s yours and this one’s the butcher’s.”
One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”
Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.
Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we started kissing and cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well Mary Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did.
Up on the hill we started kissing and cuddling and then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said, “Okay, Billy Bob, go to town...”
At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Morris. Again he is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is ready to go to sleep again, but you guessed it, Morris is back again rapping on the door, fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris.”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, “You mean I was here already?”
“Hello, darling,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you a piece of the action.”
“Listen, honey,” drawled the lady, “if you can hold it in one hand, I’m not interested.”
Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don’t want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.
So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two gays are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
“Wow,” one of the gay men says, “our baby is the most well-behaved one in here.”
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, “Now he’s quiet, but wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”
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