The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (47 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. How do you know when you are getting old?

A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer won’t be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap three-year-old house scotch instead.

The man takes a sip, spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender, “This is the cheapest three-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”

The bartender, now enjoying the challenge, pours the man a slightly better six-year-old scotch. Again, the man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only six-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this. I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.”

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality 12-year-old scotch.

At that point, an old drunk who has witnessed the entire episode from the end of the bar walks up to the expert scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him.

“What do you think of this?” he asks.

The guru takes a sip, and, in disgust, spits out the yellow liquid, yelling, “It tastes like piss!”

“That’s right,” says the drunk, “now tell me how old I am.”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette one day, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the brunette says, “That was fun, we should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

Q. Why are hurricanes named after women?

A. Because when they come, they’re wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.

Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.

“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I will forgive you if...”

The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question. I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man dies happy.

The wife mutters under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other three!”

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?

A. Dress her up as an altar boy.

A priest who has to spend the night in a hotel asks the girl in reception to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he makes a pass at her, but she stops him and reminds him that he is a holy man.

“It’s OK,” he replies, “it’s written in the Bible.” After a wild night of sex she asks to see where in the Bible it says it’s OK.

The priest rolls over, takes Gideon out of the desk by the bed and shows her the first page. On it, someone has scrawled, “The girl in reception will fuck anyone.’

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but when he did he always granted them wishes. He told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.