The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (7 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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“So is this,” he replied.

Son: “Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?”

Mom: “Shut up and flush.”

Five men were sitting around the table at a restaurant bragging who had the largest dick. Finally one guy said, “I’ll settle this; let’s all put our dicks on the table; that will decide it.” At about that time two gay guys walked in and were seated. The waiter asked them if they’d like to see a menu. The gay guys responded, “OH!!! NO, NO, we’ll just have the buffet.”

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says, “Sorry, darling, but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynecologist and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while, then whispers, “Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?”

Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predickamints.”

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A. One of his fingers is clean.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus gentlemen. So my speech started: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’”

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll one-up that English bastard! He started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.’”

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, I’ll go even further than those bastards! He started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin, and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...’”