The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (6 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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“His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.”

“No, at the other end.”

“That, son, is the tail.”

“No, mommy, the thing under the elephant.”

There’s a short embarrassed silence, after which she replies, “That’s nothing.”

The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”

“That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father.

“No, at the other end.”

“Oh, that is the tail.”

“No, no, daddy, the thing below,” says the son in desperation.

“That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you ask, son?”

“Well mommy said it was nothing,” says the boy.

The father replies, “I tell you, I spoil that woman...”

Q. What did the blonde’s mom say before the blonde’s date?

A. If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful woman. An old friend sees him and says, “Georgie, you look great...you’re beautiful!”

Georgie says, “Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt.”

His friend says, “When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”

Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”

His friend says, “When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?”

Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”

His friend says, “Then what did hurt?”

Georgie says, “When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain.”

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A. So men can be open-minded.

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new “action.”

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!”

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.

“Look at the size of his penis,” says the man. “It’s massive!”

“Yes, dear,” says the woman. “But at least he’s got your ears.”

Two shepherds are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other, “Hey, man, this is too good an opportunity to pass up.” So he unzips his fly, yanks out his cock and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes. When he’s finally finished he looks back at his friend and says, “That was fantastic. Wanna try it?”

“I sure do!” grins his friend, as he drops his pants and sticks his head through the fence.

A couple gets married. Forty years later, they’re in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs ... and he starts to cry.

She says, “What’s the matter?”

He says, “Forty years ago, I couldn’t wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can’t wait to eat ME!”