The Heart's Ashes (19 page)

“
So, you weren’t scared?”

I laughed,
feeling sheepish about all the screaming and diving into the
concealment of Eric’s shoulder. “Was that a rhetorical
question?”

Eric just
laughed.

“
It’s not something I’d take Sam to see, especially with all
the nudity.”

“
It’s not nudity, Amara. It’s body paint.”

“
I know. But you could see
everything
on those
girls.”

“
Just the way I like it.” A memory very clearly spread across
his thoughts then, making him smile. “So, what about that lion act?
Were you afraid it might jump the railing and eat you?”

“
Oh my God, yes.” I laughed out the words and linked arms with
him, snuggling closer. “But, I knew you’d take care of
me.”

“
I wouldn’t be so sure; I have been trying to get a taste of
your blood since I met you last month.”

“
Yeah. Blood, I don’t mind...it’s what follows.”

Eric stopped
walking and turned to face me. “What if I promised you?” He brushed
a strand of hair from my face. “I could promise you we won’t do
that.”

“
We both know you can’t make those kinds of promises.
I
can’t even do that. I
have enough trouble controlling my human urges as it is now—mix
that with blood and...” I hoped Eric would get my drift.

“
Human urges?” His easy smile separated us from the crowd for
a moment.

“
Yes, I get urges.”

“
Like...?” He walked more eagerly beside me.

I shook my
head. A part of me wanted to tell him; a part of me wanted to grab
his hand and press it to my waist—to hold it there and walk closely
until we both decided to go home, take off all our clothes and lay
chest to chest—just feeling the connection of skin on skin—the
closeness of touch, of being loved.

Only it
wouldn’t be love. Not with Eric. But it could feel like love—just
for a while. Just long enough to...

“
Hey.” He clicked his fingers in front of my face. “You still
in there?”

“
Ur, yeah, sorry.” I smiled sheepishly.

“
So, you were saying?”

“
No, I wasn’t.”

“
Oh, come on, Amara. I like the idea of you having urges—it
makes you seem more...human.”

“
I am human.”

“
I know. But you deny yourself any human feelings, so it kinda
makes it hard for me to get what I want from you.”

“
And, what exactly is that—just to be profoundly clear.” I
wedged my hands onto my hips.

“
I want your tiny little body—” he looked down at my hips as
he pulled them to his, “—to be against mine. I want your sweet,
human breath, to be on my lips, my chest, and other places good
girls don’t go.” He smiled at my open-mouthed expression. “And I
want to do things to you no other guy is man enough to do, all
while planning to keep you alive.”

“
Planning
to?”

“
It’s just—” He brushed my hair over my shoulder and rolled
his spine so we leaned out from each other a little, our hips
together like a ribbon-bound bunch of posies. “When I have sex with
a human, it’s always so meaningless, because I know I’ll kill her
shortly after. I don’t have to be gentle or caring or thoughtful.
With you, it’s different.”

I used my
elbows to push away from him. “That’s so frickin creepy, in so many
ways, I can’t even process it.”

Eric just
laughed at me, staying a few steps behind my storm-off.

“
What!” I demanded, turning back to face him.

“
You just said
frickin
.”

My eyes,
betraying me by offering a smile, blinked a few extra times as I
tried to hold it back, but, then, I burst into a light chuckle as
well.

“
Come on,” Eric said, taking my hand. “Let’s go on that
carousel you’ve been waiting for, then we’ll go back to yours and
make sweet—er, love?”

“
Hm,” I scoffed indignantly. “I don’t make love anymore—that
stuff was for the chivalrous and gallant
Knight
boy I used to think loved
me.”

“
Oh, ho-ho—” Eric bounced a little. “What’s this I hear?
Spite? Is our Ara-Rose becoming jaded and resentful?”

I shrugged. “I
guess so.” I was. I didn’t know why, but being at Karnivale, I just
felt edgy and used and alone and...closer to David, who I knew
wasn’t coming back for me. But despite that, still blurted out, “Do
you think he could be here?”

Eric’s scoff
sounded like a music box being wound up, tight and scornful. “No.
Unless he has a death wish.”

I offered him
some popcorn, seeming casual. “Well, what if he might be just—”

“
Amara, forget David.” He chewed the popcorn as he spoke.
“Last I heard, one of his friends saw him in Egypt—he was not the
same David.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
Well, you know how if we don’t eat for a while, we kind of
get—”

“
Monstrous?”

“
Yeah, well, the same goes for extreme pain. It’s the body’s
way of coping; our defence mechanism, you might say.”

“
So, what you’re saying is…that David—” I swallowed the lump
in my throat, “—has given himself over to the monster?”

“
That’s what I heard.” He shrugged. “Even if he came
back—which he won’t—he won’t be the same David; he’ll be more
like—”

“
Jason.”

“
Jason? God, no. Jason’s not li—” His words cut short, his
hand shifting me back as a flaming wall of heated colour brushed
past my face, receding an inch before catching my hair. “Watch it,
dick head.” A mime in black and white went tumbling to the ground
by force of Eric. “I like mine raw.”

I looked up at
him, eyes wide.

Eric just
grinned. “Sorry—inside joke.”

“
Not funny.”

“
Was to me.”

I folded my
arms tightly and walked past the mime-turned-carpet.

“
Aw, don’t be so sensitive, Amara. If you wanna hang out with
a vampire, get used to the way we live.”

“
Used to it? What, you want me to accept that you kill
people—that you like them
raw
?”

“
Yeah.”

“
That’s sick.”

He groaned.
“We don’t see it that way.”

“
No. You don’t see it as a waste—you don’t see it for the
sick, sadistic and horrific act it is.”

“
It’s not like the horror movies, Amara. It’s a beautiful
death.”

“
Spoken like a vampire.”

“
Come here.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me to the edge of
a circus tent, then lifted the heavy fabric wall. “Look, this is
normal for us—it’s not for a human, but you can’t class yourself as
a human when you hang out with me.”

I peered into
the darkness and instead of recoiling, merely watched as a girl on
a round bed, at the centre of the room, laid at the mercy of a
devilishly handsome man. He caressed her breasts under the torn
remnants of her clothing, making her moan loudly, rolling her spine
to force her flesh against his lips.

“
Does she look scared to you?”

I shook my
head, unable to look away. As the vampire’s kisses led him to the
purlieu of her inner thigh, he stopped and looked over at us just
before sinking his teeth into her leg. The girl gripped the pillow
and cried out—a cry of pleasure.

I looked away,
faced with my own nightmarish memories of the same kind of
scene—but without the enjoyment.

“
Don’t do that.” Eric turned my face back and pointed. “She’s
enjoying it.”

“
Until she dies.”

“
She won’t know.” Eric rolled his eyes. “The venom numbs the
skin—she’ll be in ecstasy until she passes.”

“
It didn’t numb mine.”

“
I know.” He nodded softly. “That’s because it was an attack.
If it’d been a lustful kill, like it’s supposed to be, you wouldn’t
have felt it.”

“
Really? So venom only numbs when there’s lust?”

“
That’s what we assume. We’re not human, so it’s hard to
say.”

“
Why the thigh?”

“
Huh?”

“
Why is he biting her there?” I looked back at the
tent.

“
Oh, it’s a, well, it’s a sweet spot—the bloods warmest there,
and it tastes sweeter than anywhere else. It’s also close to the
va—”

“
Eh. Enough said.” I raised my palms.

Eric just
laughed, then swept his arm out in a bowing gesture toward the
carousel. “Shall we then?”

“
Sure.” And we walked, and strangely, what I just saw didn’t
upset me or disturb me. I could accept it as a part of who Eric is.
I wasn’t sure it’d be the same if it were David, but this creepy,
sadistic side, seemed to fit well with Eric. It didn’t change who
he was to me. I still wanted to be around him. But I wondered if
that made me as sick as him, if maybe I was turning into a
monster—like, perhaps, Jason’s venom left some kind of evil in
me.

Eric paid the
toll, exchanging a grunt with the pass over of money when the
carousel attendant licked his lips in my direction, grinning
eagerly. “Some people are so rude.” I folded my arms in
objection.

“
If you look at it from his perspective,” he said, lifting me
onto a black and red pony, “you’re being rude by walking around all
alive and pulsing with blood.”

I looked up to
protest, but stopped, seeing Eric’s perfect skin and the humoured
smile lit by the yellow lights of the carousel. He was only
joking—this time.

Beside me,
mirrors lined with tiny globes reflected the scenes of vampires
positioning their humans on ponies all around, then standing beside
them, close, as if to hold them in place, just like my vampire
escort. It was funny to see myself that way—in the mirror, with a
blond vampire taking charge of my hips, pinning me to a ride that’s
designed for children. I looked like a child against him, small,
with the round eyes of innocence that always made people
underestimate me.

“
Hold on tight.” My escort handed me the small leather reins
and held the gold, winding pole in front of me. In the shadows, as
the ride started to spin, Eric looked somewhat menacing. I could
almost see how a person might fear him, but to me, he still looked
gorgeous—vampirish. I let him wrap his hands around me again. “You
okay?” he said.

My smile came
back down from elated; I nodded and said loudly over the
out-of-tune carnival music, “Yeah, I just didn’t know this would go
so fast.”

“
Well, we like speed.”

“
I can’t lift my arms.”

Eric grinned
and raised his fingers to my cheek with ease, stroking the skin
softly. “It’s no problem for me.”

“
I’m sure the vampire strength helps.” I smiled as he dropped
his hand. “So, why does it go backward?”

“
Now
that
I
don’t
know.” He laughed aloud, rolling his head back.

I loved the
way that, even though he was from a different world, with different
views and opinions, he could still sound so human when he laughed.
It made me like him more.

Eric studied
me studying him, and my heart raced. I felt safe, closed in by the
wash of colour—the way the lights all merged together to form a
seal of illuminated lines around us. I never thought I’d find
another guy to make me feel safe the way Mike and David did, and I
never thought I could ever like someone else. Kind of like losing
your favourite old teddy and just believing to your core that
nothing will ever replace it—until something does. Liking Eric made
me forget about David for a while, in a place where it should be
easiest to remember him.

As we spun,
the humans around us screaming and laughing, Eric moved to the
front of my pony. “Can I kiss you?”

Closing my
eyes, I leaned toward him. “Yes.”

His cool
breath fell over my lips, but he stopped before they touched.

I opened my
eyes. “What is it?”

“
I can’t. I’m too hungry. I’ll bite you.” He took a step back.
“Being around you—it’s just making things worse.”

“
Can’t you control it?”

He touched his
own lips. “It’s—I’ve never had to. Ever. It’s automatic for me not
to. Kind of like holding a piece of chocolate just inside your
lips.”

My mouth
watered thinking about it, visualising it.

“
See? Now tell yourself there’s no reason you can’t have
it.”

I nodded. “I’d
eat it.”

“
Precisely.”

“
But—” I licked my lips, almost expecting to taste chocolate.
“You
do
have a
reason to control it;
me
, right?”

“
Amara.” He gripped the pole a little tighter, leaning in.
“Not really. I like hanging out with you, and you’re damn cute,
and, I mean, I’d probably miss hanging out if you were dead, but
you’re still just a human. I’ll never love ya, kiddo. I just want
other things.”

I nodded. “So,
you would kill me?”

“
If you didn’t belong to David, I already would
have.”