The Heat Is On (14 page)

Connor pounded home plate with his bat, and then assumed his stance, kicking the dirt all over the lines of the box.

It was the top of the ninth with two men on, and they had a chance to win the series and the division. Unbelievably, Washington had collapsed. The newspapers blamed it on lack of experience, injuries, and just bad luck. But whatever it was, the Sonics weren't complaining.

The pitcher tried to give him an intimidating look, but after fifteen years in the Major Leagues catching numerous guys like him, Connor didn't scare easy. And he knew this guy's stuff, knew his patterns. When he started getting nervous, he went for the heat.

And that's what Connor was waiting for.

So he stood down a curveball that fell outside the strike zone, followed by a slider that also missed the mark. He was ahead in the count, and without changing his posture at all, he tightened his hands on the bat, preparing for a fastball.

And he got it. As the white orb screamed toward him at ninety-five miles per hour, he tattooed it, sending the ball into the atmosphere, and watched it disappear into the bullpen.

The crowd went berserk as the Sonics won the division title. Brian and Jake trotted home, followed by Connor, who tipped his hat as the Sonics fans in the crowd chanted his name.

“Con-nor! Con-nor! Connnn—er!”

It was the most incredible feeling in the world, yet as he rounded the bases, ecstatic, he realized one thing was missing for him.

Tracy.

As he approached home plate, he realized he hadn't spoken to her in a couple of days. After their fight, he thought she might need some space, some time to think things through. He hoped she was watching, got to see his triumph; but after their argument, he wasn't at all sure she cared.

She'd made it very clear she didn't want his help, and resented him even offering. Tracy valued her independence; he knew that, and it was one of the things about her that attracted him. But her outburst gave him second thoughts.

Did she really want him in her life as a partner? Sharing everything, including the kids? Or did she just want him for the fun part, the dinners, the dates, and the sex?

And what about him? As Carlos had said, this was a game where he couldn't sit on the sidelines. Was he really prepared for twenty-plus years of diapers, dinners, lunches, school, fights, tears, hugs, and everything else that went with raising children?

Then there was the ex-husband. Jeremy was a problem that wasn't disappearing anytime soon. His teeth clenched as he thought of him spying on her, upsetting her, dumping the baby on her in an effort to try to sabotage her plans. The guy was clearly an asshole, but he was the father of her children and would be in the picture a long time, whether anyone liked it or not.

It sucked.

The Champagne was already flowing. Connor had barely gotten outside when he was doused with a full bottle, pushing back his dripping hair as the reporters laughed and tried to get a word.

“We understand you plan to retire.” A microphone was shoved under his nose. “What a way to go out! You won this game!”

“It's never about one guy,” Connor said diplomatically. “It's everyone playing their heart out, everyone coming together. We've had great pitching with Chase and Jimmy, the bullpen has been stellar, the fielding incredible. This is one hell of a team, and I'm proud to be a part of it all.”

“So what if the Sonics offer you another year? Would you consider it, especially with the way you're playing?”

It was a question he had asked himself many times. His agent had suggested the idea, talked about money and solidifying his future. And the idea of socking away another year's worth of big paychecks was tempting.

But now he wanted something else, a life he could call his own. While he loved baseball, it had a way of becoming all-encompassing. Again he thought of Tracy, and his vision of them sharing a life together, a life that would include four young children…

He hadn't told her
.

The thought popped into his head and suddenly, things became clear.

She didn't know how he felt about her.
How could she? He'd tried to show her, but taking the kids to the zoo didn't mean shit.

Women needed the words. Tracy needed them. No wonder she came across as insecure. But that was something he could fix, quite easily.

Maybe the rest would fall into place.

He realized the reporter was waiting for his response.

“Well, no one really knows what they will do in the future until they're there,” he said, unwilling to explain his thoughts. “Right now we need to focus, play one game at a time, and get to the Series. That's what it's all about.”

The cameras flashed even as he was baptized with another bottle of Champagne. Grinning, he grabbed the towel a reporter proffered, waved again to the crowd, and then walked inside the clubhouse, where the party was just getting started.

He'd be home tomorrow, and they would have a little break before the Division Series. But he'd had enough of this silence, the wall between him and Tracy. He would break it down, find out what the hell was going on, and get things back on the right track. And while he didn't have all the answers, he knew this much: he wasn't about to lose Tracy without a fight.

Settled now that he had a plan, Connor joined the celebration.

Tracy pushed Chloe in the swing, while Jillian did the same for Ethan. Mason played catch with a couple of the other boys at the playground, while Lily cooed from her car seat, staring in wonder at the leaves blowing in the wind.

“Oh, my God, Jillie. You wouldn't believe what I said to him!” She accepted a Twizzler that her friend proffered, yanking on the chewy candy with her teeth, betraying her bottled-up emotions.

“Come on,” Jillian said, giving Ethan a big push that had him squealing with delight. “It can't be that bad.”

“It's worse,” Tracy said in mortification. “I know he was only trying to help, but something inside me lost it. I was suddenly screaming at him like a lunatic.” Her face grew red at the thought.

“You were just being human,” Jillian reassured her. “Look, he's a guy. They don't take getting pissed off nearly as seriously as we do. And you said the kids were fighting, milk spilling…He had to know you were having a bad day.”

“Yeah, but I took it out on him. And now I haven't heard from him. Who am I kidding? I blew it. Why would he want to sign up for all this?”

“Hot sex?” Jillian asked with a grin.

“Sex!” Chloe repeated, and Tracy and Jillian looked at each other and broke into startled laughter.

“They get to this age and repeat everything,” Tracy whispered, wiping at her eyes even as she gave Chloe another push.

“Anyway, you've got to stop thinking like that. Connor assured you he wouldn't be in your life if he didn't want to be. Otherwise you are going to drive him away.”

“If I haven't already.” She couldn't help but face the inevitable. And it was true. Why would he stick around? She wasn't a Victoria's Secret model or an actress he could mount on his arm. She was a single mom, driven to screaming like a banshee.

She flushed again.

Jillian shook her head. “So you had a little fight, and you snapped. Big deal! I think part of the problem is you don't know where you stand with this guy. He hasn't said the ILU, right?”

“Right. Not in so many words. I know he cares about me, and he seems to like the kids. But that's all I know for sure.”

“Fair enough. It's hard to put yourself out there, give him your heart, if you're not sure your feelings are returned. I get that. But I'm wondering why you haven't called him?”

Ethan decided he was tired of swinging and began to struggle in his seat. Jillian helped the little boy out of the apparatus, and she shaded her eyes, watching as he ran across the field to join his brother.

“I can't do that,” Tracy said, shaking her head. “I know, I know, women call guys all the time now. But I'm not one of them. And the Sonics are in the playoffs. Connor needs to focus. He doesn't need to be worrying about me.”

“Don't you think that's for you to decide?” When Tracy looked at her in surprise, Jillian shrugged. “Maybe he wants to help. He wants a relationship. And yes, that means he's going to worry about you. There's nothing wrong with that.”

“But I don't want him to feel like I'm pursuing him. I think if he wanted to talk to me, he would call.”

“He probably thinks you are still mad at him.” Jillian took a seat in the swing and grinned at Chloe as she sailed into the air. “In my experience, men run for the hills rather than deal with an angry woman.”

“I hadn't thought about that. But he's probably having a great time, celebrating the win over Washington. And you know, that team has some gorgeous groupies following them everywhere. I've seen them on TV; Baldwin's Beauties, they are called. They show up in bikinis, strip off their tops…”

“Are you kidding me?” Jillian hopped off the swing as Tracy nodded. “Well, for my money, all the more reason for you to call. Give him something to think about. You can just let him know you're not still pissed, maybe even apologize. After all, you didn't mean to rip him a new one. Tell him that.”

“That sounds so…demeaning,” Tracy said, helping Chloe out of the swing.

“Admitting you were wrong?” Jillian's eyes caught hers. “I think he would respect that and appreciate it. At least then you could get an idea of where his head's at and stop torturing yourself.”

It made sense, Tracy thought. After all, she did lash out at him. But even as she took her cell phone out of her pocket, she felt it vibrating.

“It's him.”

Her stomach tightened, and her breath suddenly came in spurts. Her hand was actually sweating where she held the cell.

Jillian's grin grew from ear to ear. “Great. I'll take care of the gang. Why don't you take the call in the car so you can hear him and have a real conversation?”

Tracy nodded, her heart pounding as she fumbled with the phone. Jillian was always such a godsend. And she was also right. She did owe Connor an explanation and an apology for her emotional outburst. Her hands were shaking when she connected the earbud. She had no idea what he was thinking, why he was calling now, and she felt incredibly vulnerable as she clicked on her cell.

“Hi, Connor.” She winced, wondering if she sounded as shaky as she felt.
Please, don't let it be too late…

“Hey, Trace.”
He sounds normal. Thank God
. There was no awkward hesitation of a man about to deliver bad news. Connor's voice was rich and rough, sending a little current straight through to her heart. It suddenly occurred to her how much she had missed him, and she fought the ache that followed.

“Connor, I'm so glad you called. There's something I want to say—”

“Me first,” he interrupted. “Listen, I know I upset you, and it doesn't help to tell you I didn't mean to. But I think I get it. I haven't been completely up front with you, and it's time I corrected that.”

She froze. Was he going to break up with her? Had she read him wrong? But his next words washed in her relief, and then utter, utter joy.

“I love you, Tracy Coleman. I've loved you from the first time I laid eyes on you in college. You are the woman for me, the only woman. And nothing will ever change that.”

It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. While most women would dream about hearing these words in the moonlight or during a romantic moment, for Tracy, it couldn't have come at a better time.

She nearly collapsed against her car seat. “How do you manage to know exactly what I need to hear?”

“It took me a couple of days,” Connor said. “But when I thought about it from your point of view, especially with the kids involved, I realized I hadn't said the words, didn't let you know how serious I am.”

“No! It was all me. I'm the one that blew up at you…”

“But that's what made me understand,” he explained. “I knew that would not have happened without provocation. And it wasn't my intention to demean you by paying that bill, or offering to help. I guess I just need some guidance from you as to what works for you and what doesn't.”

Blessed, blessed relief flooded through her. She hadn't ruined everything after all. And even more important, he seemed to get it. “Oh, Connor, you have no idea what that means to me.”

“I'd like to think I know a little bit. And I'm going to be honest. I can't tell you that I'm all in, that I will be able to step up for everyone involved. But I can tell you that I intend to do my best. Is that enough?”

Tracy's heart stood still as she digested what he was saying. He loved her; he'd said it and she believed him. But he wasn't one hundred percent committed where the kids were concerned. And he had called her by her maiden name, as if her marriage hadn't happened, and she was still the girl in college.

He cared about her children; she could see that. She wished he could give more, and that he felt the same way about her kids as she did. Did she have the right to expect that at this point? Building relationships took time, and she could only hope if she gave him that, it would work out.

It had to.

“Yes. And Connor?” She waited a moment, falling off a cliff. “I love you, too.”

“Glad to hear it,” he said, and she could hear the relief in his voice. “So by the way, did you see that we won, that we are on our way to the championship?”

“Absolutely,” she exhaled, leaning back in the seat, utterly drained emotionally. “Congratulations.”

“Are you up for a little celebration? I thought I could bring over a bottle of bubbly. If you want to go out and can get a sitter, great. If not, I can pick up some takeout, maybe some hot dogs for the kids.”

“Sounds great,” she said, happier than she could ever remember. “I'll see you then.”

When she hung up the phone, she sagged into the car seat, and stared at the bright blue sky outside. Everything was the same, but everything had utterly changed. He loved her! Connor Jackson was in love with her, said he always had been.

She had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming.

“Mrs. Carter?”

Tracy looked up from adjusting Lily's bib the following morning and saw a matronly middle-aged woman standing in the hallway. She indicated the office and held open the door as Tracy picked up the baby's car seat.

“I am Mrs. Haskins, the school counselor. I assume you are Mason's mother? He looks a little like you.”

“He does,” Tracy babbled, her nerves on edge. After all, she was here because something was wrong with her son, and she was determined to get him help. “Ethan resembles his father more, but Chloe and Mason favor my side.”

“Come in,” she said, reaching for a folding chair as Tracy lowered the baby onto the carpet. “You certainly have your hands full! How many children do you have all together?”

“Four.” Tracy glanced around the room, seeing colorful crayon drawings, finger paintings, shelves full of books, and baskets with toys. It was supposed to make her and a child feel more comfortable, but she didn't think anything could relax her.

“That must keep you busy,” the woman said conversationally.

Tracy nodded. “They do, but they are fun.”
That's it, put a positive spin on it
.
Maybe then this woman won't look at me like an unfit mother
.

“Well, raising children is a lot more than fun and games. It's a lot of hard work.”

Tracy looked more closely at the woman seated behind a big oak desk, aware of her tone. Mrs. Haskins appeared as if she'd never had a fun day in her life. Her dark hair streaked with gray was pulled back into a severe bun with silver sprigs sticking out like an SOS pad. And she wore a skirt and sweater that reminded her of the nuns in Catholic school.

She decided to try a different tack. “I really appreciate you spending some time with Mason. The divorce was especially hard on him since he is the oldest. I know he's been having some struggles in school this year.”

“Yes, he has.” Mrs. Haskins reached for a folder and shuffled through a sheaf of papers, her lips pursing as if she'd just sucked a lemon. “His teacher has expressed her concern several times and informed me that Mason is not doing well with his grades this year. He seems very distracted and is having trouble getting along with the other children and concentrating on his work.”

Tracy flushed. “I know. She has been good about emailing me—”

“What many parents fail to realize is that to break up a marriage breaks up a family,” she interrupted in the same flat tone. “Too many couples give up too easily these days. I sometimes wish they could see what I see, hear the effects a divorce has on children. Then they would think twice.”

Tracy's mouth dropped. This time there was no mistaking the woman's judgmental tone. “I don't know if you were aware of the circumstances…”

“It's really none of my business,” she continued smoothly, her brows arching. She practically
tsk
ed. “I am just saying that Mason's difficulties are common. Children have no voice in what goes on between their parents, but they pay the price.”

She had to fight to keep from getting angry, and forced herself to think in terms of Mason. “I appreciate your concern,” Tracy said, swallowing her emotions. “As I said, I know this has been hard for my son. I am wondering what you suggest?”

The woman shook her head, looking ruefully at the papers before her. “He got into a fight in the playground a few weeks ago, and he missed an important test, due to illness?” She actually did an eye roll. “And he hasn't been handing in his homework…”

“Yes, because he was sick,” Tracy said firmly. Enough was enough. “And I have been in contact with his teacher. He has made up the test, and any missing homework. We have come up with a regular communication to make sure Mason understands what he needs to do.”

“I'm happy to hear that,” Mrs. Haskins said, closing the folder and placing her hands on top of it. Her eyes met Tracy's and seemed to look right through her as they traveled up and down her sundress with open disapproval. “In speaking with Mason, I understand you are involved with a man?”

If she had accused Tracy of being a whore, she didn't think she could make it sound worse. Taking a deep breath, Tracy returned the cold stare.

“I've renewed an old friendship. A man I knew from college.”

“I see. Like most children, I think Mason secretly hopes that you and your husband will get back together. So to see you involved with someone else so soon is disturbing to him.”

That stopped Tracy short. While she wasn't surprised to hear that Mason might harbor a fantasy about her and Jeremy reuniting, she hadn't thought of that aspect of the situation.

Sensing a victory, the counselor continued in the same lecturing voice. “I'm assuming that your children are your priority, or you wouldn't be here.” When Tracy nodded, Mrs. Haskins frowned. “In that case, I am going to recommend that you keep your personal life just that.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” It was taking everything she had not to snap at the woman before her. But she couldn't allow herself that luxury, not if this woman could help Mason.

“I think you know. If you want to continue seeing this man, do it on your own time and don't involve the children. Keep the phone calls and texts to a minimum. They don't need to know the details. I understand in your case the boyfriend is a baseball player?” There was an added emphasis on the word
boyfriend
.

“That's right,” Tracy said unapologetically. “As I mentioned, I've known Connor Jackson since college. He is a good man.” For some reason she felt compelled to add the disclaimer.

“That's very sweet,” the counselor said, implying it was anything but. “So I wouldn't suggest reading newspaper stories to the children about this man, watching the games, any of that. They need to know they are front and center in your mind and in your life.”

She rose, more than finished with the interview. Maybe this woman could help her son, but she certainly wasn't helping her. “Well, you've given me a lot to think about. I appreciate your time, and your concern for Mason.”

“Just out of curiosity,” Mrs. Haskins said, leaning back in her chair, her eyes once more taking in the sundress and Tracy's slender figure as she stooped to pick up the baby, “why did you keep having children if you felt your marriage was unstable?”

Tracy sucked in a breath, very much aware of the implication. Straightening, she held Lily and the car seat under her arm. “I am willing to discuss Mason with you, but I am not your client. And I am taking your advice seriously, and keeping my personal life just that. Have a good day.”

Hefting the baby beneath her shoulder, she kicked the door shut behind her as she left.

“Thanks, Mom, for picking up Ethan and Chloe.” Tracy entered her parents' house, obviously still agitated after her meeting with the school counselor. The toddlers were busy running around the backyard and blowing bubbles, while her mother was setting out a chocolate cake.

“Why don't you bring in the baby for a cup of tea? And the cake is still warm.”

Tracy hesitated, but the thought of warm chocolate cake did her in. “I'll be right back.”

She hadn't planned on staying, but in addition to the lure of chocolate, she felt like an emotional wreck. She'd managed to hold it together in front of the therapist, but as soon as she'd gotten into the car, she'd felt the heat creep into her face.

The woman had tried to make her feel like something next to nothing. As a counselor, she probably saw all sorts of things and people, and maybe that affected the way she saw the world. But Tracy had a suspicion it had more to do with a different kind of resentment, something she couldn't put her finger on.

She carried the baby seat into the kitchen, where she put her sleeping daughter on the table as her mother got out the teacups.

“I take it that it didn't go well.” It wasn't a question.

“Well, other than the fact that I was slut-shamed for an hour, no, I don't think it did.”

“What are you talking about?” her mother said, horrified, as she cut the cake.

Tracy recapped the conversation and saw her mother's lips press tightly together.

“Violet Haskins has been a judgmental thorn in my side since I can remember,” her mother said indignantly, putting the plates on the table with a clatter. “I know her from the garden club, and I'm going to say a few things to her the next time I see her…”

“Don't.” Tracy reached for the cake. Warm chocolate melting on her tongue helped to soothe her frazzled nerves. “I don't really care what she thinks about me, even though it was upsetting. If she can help Mason, that's all that matters.”

“Well, I don't like her talking about my daughter that way.” Her mother's eyes still blazed. “The nerve of her! You go to her for help, and this is what she does? It's just pure jealousy. Her husband has been sleeping with his secretary for years. Everyone knows it. And she's taking it out on you.”

“Really?” Tracy was stunned.

“Really. She probably took one look at you and pictured her husband rolling beneath the sheets.”

“That's crazy.” Tracy shook her head in an attempt to get rid of the mental image. “I'm not sure what it is, but she did say something that bothered me. That Mason might be upset by Connor's presence because he wants Jeremy and me to get back together.”

“What?” Her mother looked at her incredulously.

“I don't think it's surprising. Apparently most kids fantasize about that when their parents break up. It's pretty normal. I guess it didn't occur to me that Connor would pose a threat.”

“Well, how does Mason act around him?”

“A little distant. He doesn't engage with him the way Chloe and Ethan do. But he's older, and he has a different personality. It takes him longer to warm up to people. But he is having some trouble in school, so I can't deny that something is up.”

“So what did Miss Personality suggest?” Her mother shook her head as if she still wasn't entirely buying it.

“To keep Connor out of the picture where the kids are concerned, at least for a while…”

She struggled to finish the sentence.

“Until you know it's for real?” Her mother did it for her. “That he is going to stick?”

She nodded, her throat tight. “He loves me, he told me so. It's not about me and Connor. And I know it's difficult, to become part of a family that includes another man's children, especially since Connor is an only child himself. And Jeremy hasn't made this easy, either.” She told her mother about him leaving the baby in an attempt to ruin her plans.

Her mother shook her head. “Awful. What did Connor do?”

“He was great about it. But that kind of thing over time can cause conflict. Connor admitted to me he intends to do the best that he can. I just don't know if it's enough.”

Her mom reached over and rubbed her shoulder. “I think you are a terrific mother, and even though this is tough, you'll make the right decision. One day at a time, I guess.”