The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom (28 page)

More laughter sounded throughout the tavern.

“Oh, yes,” Frederic continued. “My friend Liam here may not be a regular at your establishment, but believe me, he’s quite at home in a place like this. And he’s not the only one.” Frederic scanned the room for Duncan and spotted him stretched across the bar with a funnel in his mouth (and a grinning burglar about to pour a jar labeled
PICKLED TENTACLES
into it).

“That man back there,” Frederic announced, “is Duncan the Daring.”

“Never heard of him,” someone called out.

“Not yet, maybe. But you will,” Frederic said. “Duncan recently faced Deeb Rauber—the Bandit King—in a duel. And he won.”

The burglar backed off.

“Yer makin’ that up,” the half ogre growled.

“No, he’s not,” said one of the thieves. “I think it’s true. My cousin works for the Bandit King, and he was just telling me that Rauber set up a duel with a prisoner of his, but that it didn’t go very well and the guy got away.” The thief pointed to Duncan. “Was that really you?”

Duncan spit out the funnel, stood up on the bar, and took a bow. “Absolutely!” he exclaimed with delight. “Got out without a scratch on me! Ta-da!”

“Oh, yeah?” the big barbarian challenged. “What about that big bump you got there?”

“Oh, this?” Duncan said, touching the bruise on his forehead. “The Bandit King didn’t do that to me; that was from the battle with the giant and the dragon.”

Gasps were heard from around the room.

“It’s all true,” Frederic said. “And if I might introduce you to the next member of our formidable team… Gustav, where are you?”

Gustav burst out from under a pile of brawny buccaneers. In his burned and battered armor, with his heaving, hulking muscles and scalded bald head, he looked downright terrifying.

“What?” he growled.

“This is Prince Gustav, from the royal family right here in Sturmhagen,” Frederic announced.

“Wait a minute,” said an assassin. “He’s the Rapunzel guy, isn’t he? He didn’t do
anything
!”

“Oh, didn’t he?” Frederic asked. “He got thrown out of a ninety-foot tower, got his eyes scratched out, and walked away from it all alive and well. If that’s not an impressive feat, I don’t know what is.”

Some of the hooligans murmured softly as they considered this point.

“When I first met Gustav,” Frederic continued, “he had just been thrown through a fence by a troll—and he was in good enough spirits to start insulting me the moment he saw me. I’ve seen this man get pummeled by bandits, pulled off the roof of a castle, whipped around by a raging giant, and magically sizzled by an evil witch. I watched him get hit full-on by a blast of dragon fire. Heck, you’ve all been beating on him for the past five minutes. And look at him! He’s just waiting for more. Gustav is unstoppable! Believe me, he’s not a man you want to mess with.”

All the villains silently stepped away from Gustav, giving him plenty of space. He grinned at Frederic.

“Maybe your friends aren’t so bad, after all,” said the bearded pirate. “But what about you? Who are
you
supposed to be?”

“Me?” Frederic asked. It hadn’t been difficult to figure out how to spin each of his companions’ stories in a way that would appeal to this rough-and-tumble crowd, but how could he do that for himself? What about him—what trait of his—could he possibly use to impress this tavern full of ruthless criminals? He was stumped. He smiled at the villains to buy himself some time to think. A few of them grinned back, in spite of themselves.

And suddenly he knew exactly what to say: “I’m Prince Charming. People like me.”

21

P
RINCE
C
HARMING
J
OINS A
G
ANG

F
rederic, you were
brilliant
,” Liam said.

The four princes were once again sitting by themselves at the table in the corner of the Stumpy Boarhound. Once the tavern patrons realized they had celebrities in their midst, they oohed and aahed for a few minutes—the big barbarian asked Frederic to autograph his belly—and then they respectfully agreed to leave the famous quartet to their own business. The bartender, a jowly, stubble-faced man who went by the name of Boniface K. Ripsnard, even supplied the princes with a few rags and a basin of soapy water so they could clean up.

“Yep, nice job, Harmonia,” Gustav chimed in.

“Thanks,” Frederic said with aw-shucks boyishness.

“I usually hate it when the dwarfs call me Duncan the Daring,” Duncan added. “But I liked when you said it. It sounded different.”

“Because I meant it,” Frederic said. “You volunteered for a duel with the Bandit King, you stood up to a giant twenty times your size—of
course
you’re daring.”

Ripsnard the bartender approached their table and set down four big mugs. Each was filled with some sort of thick, foamy, yellow-brown liquid.

“Compliments of the house,” Ripsnard said.

“Thank you, sir,” Frederic said as the man walked away.

“I’m not drinking that,” Liam said as soon as the bartender was out of earshot.

Duncan sniffed the drink and shivered. “Eew! What is it?”

“I have no idea,” said Frederic, grimacing as he watched bubbles rise to the surface of the drink. “Something’s swimming in mine.”

Gustav grabbed his mug by its oversize handle and downed the entire beverage in one huge gulp. He slammed the empty mug back on the table and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

“That was awful,” he said, wincing.

The other three laughed, and even Gustav himself smiled.

“So tell us, Liam,” Frederic said. “What’s the new plan?”

“Wait, wait! Don’t tell me,” Duncan said. “Can we take guesses first? I’m thinking it involves flying monkeys.”

“Alas, Duncan, I don’t believe those exist, so we’ll have to make do without,” Liam said. “But I
have
been thinking about a new plan, if you men are really willing to hear it. It would include all four of us, so I need to know: Are you all with me?”

“I am,” Frederic said. “Now that I know I can serve a purpose.”

“I never wanted to leave to begin with,” Duncan said, beaming.

“Gustav?” Liam asked.

Gustav shrugged. “I know when I’m outnumbered.”

“No, you don’t,” Frederic laughed. “Only ten minutes ago you threw yourself into a mob of about thirty people.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Gustav said dismissively. “I’m still here, all right?”

“You know, Frederic’s got a point,” Liam said. “You
don’t
know when to hold back, Gustav. But that’s who you are. I should have taken that into account. You see, my biggest error was in not recognizing the individual strengths of everyone in this group. It took Frederic here to help me realize what those strengths are.

“Gustav, you can take a ridiculous amount of punishment. We need to use that. Frederic, you’re a talker. You’re the diplomat of our group. And Duncan, well, you can always be counted on to do something utterly insane. And I mean that in the best possible way. You’re not risk-averse.”

“No offense taken,” Duncan said.

“So how do we use these, um, talents?” Frederic asked.

“Okay, but please hear me out before you start complaining,” Liam began. The others leaned in. “First thing we need to do is go back to Zaubera’s tower and get that map. Unless there’s some new bit of craziness thrown at us, we have three obstacles to deal with: The giant, the dragon, and the witch. Frederic, the giant is yours.”

“The giant?” Frederic asked. He was feeling more game than ever, but the thought of facing the giant by himself seemed both terrifying and unwise.

“Yes,” Liam said. “You need to keep him distracted. I don’t want you to fight him. I want you to
talk
to him. Play mind games with him; keep him listening to you. Just make sure he’s not paying attention to the rest of us.”

“I’m supposed to walk up to the giant—the same giant that almost squashed me—and start up a conversation with him?” Frederic was skeptical. “You don’t think he’d find that suspicious?”

“Of course he would,” Liam said. “We have to make sure it’s believable. That’s why I want you to let him capture you.”

Frederic gulped.

“I don’t like it,” said Gustav.

“Frederic can handle this,” Liam said. “I trust him.”

“If anything happens to him, I’ll pop your head like a tomato,” Gustav said.

“Gustav, it’s okay,” Frederic said, putting a hand on Gustav’s shoulder to calm him. “I want to try. Besides, I’m sure you’ll have an important part in this plan yourself.”

“Yes, Gustav, I want you to take care of the dragon,” Liam instructed.

“Now you’re talking.” Gustav perked up.

“The goal here is distraction,” Liam said. “Same general idea as with Frederic and the giant. The dragon is an animal; if it sees something it wants, it will chase it. Get it to go after you; then just keep moving. If it knocks you down, get back up. But don’t let it stop you, and don’t let it give up on you. Keep it busy.”
And please try not to die
, Liam thought. He knew Gustav’s portion of the plan was the riskiest, but Gustav was the only one of them cut out for it.

“I don’t know,” Gustav said skeptically. “I usually run
at
stuff, not away from it.”

“It’s always good to try new things,” Liam said.

“All right,” Gustav mumbled. Then after a pause, he added, “Can I kill the dragon?”

“Please don’t,” Liam said, humoring him—Gustav actually defeating the dragon was not something he was worried about. “We need it for another part of the plan.”

“If you insist,” Gustav said grudgingly.

“While the two of you have the giant and dragon occupied,” Liam said, “Duncan and I will sneak into the fortress to get the map. Now, last time I was in the witch’s stronghold, I got hit with a big surprise: the dragon. And in case there’s another surprise waiting this time, I’ve got you, Duncan. You’re my wild card.”

“Wild card, got it,” Duncan said. “Just like in Crazy Eights. I can be a diamond; I can be a spade. Whatever you need me to be, I’m that thing. That is
so
me.”

“Once we have the map, we’ll head back out and help Gustav,” Liam said. “Between three of us, we should be able to redirect the dragon and get it to attack the giant like it did last time.”

“How do we do that?” Duncan asked. “With steaks?”

“That could work,” Liam agreed, pleasantly surprised to hear a logical a suggestion. “Then, while the giant is dealing with the dragon, we grab Frederic and run off. Then we use the map to track down the prisoners and free them. So, everybody ready?”

The other three nodded and mumbled.

“Not good enough,” Liam said. “I expect a bit more enthusiasm from my teammates. I am a hero, and I know I will succeed.”

He stood up, pointed to Duncan, and dramatically posed the question: “Duncan, what are you?”

“Human!” Duncan cried, trembling with excitement.

“More specific,” Liam said, still dramatically.

“A five-foot-two human!”

“I’m going for
hero
here,” Liam hinted under his breath.

“Hero!” Duncan shouted. “I’m a hero!”

Liam pivoted. “Frederic, what are you?”

“I am a hero,” Frederic answered, proudly puffing out his chest. “A different type of hero, perhaps, but still....”

Liam pivoted once more. “Gustav, what are you?”

“Too corny. Not doing it,” Gustav said, crossing his arms.

“You’re a hero, Gustav,” Liam said. “We all are. And maybe I didn’t completely believe that when I said it an hour ago, but I do now. We may be unsung heroes, but give us time. That’ll change. So, come on. Let’s do this. We’re a team.” He held his hand out over the center of the table, waiting for the others to rise and place their hands on top of his.

Duncan jumped up and slapped Liam’s outstretched hand hard. “Too slow!” he shouted giddily.

Frederic and Gustav laughed. “Fine, we’re a team,” Gustav said.

“Well, all right, then,” said Liam. “We need to equip ourselves. The Bandit King took pretty much everything we had that was of value, though. I’m not sure what we can use to barter with.”

Frederic dug deep into a hidden inner pocket of his jacket and came out with a diamond ring. “Well, the bandits missed this. I had planned to give it to Ella after I found her, as a way to woo her back,” he said. “But I suppose it would be of more use to us here and now.”

“Thank you, Frederic,” Liam said, and gave Frederic’s shoulder a grateful squeeze. “Let’s go visit the bartender.”

The four princes used Frederic’s ring to trade for supplies with Ripsnard, who loaded their arms with changes of clothing and a rucksack full of rancid-looking muskrat steaks (“It doesn’t have to look tasty to us,” Liam reminded them. “Just the dragon.”).