The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom (24 page)

“We’re guarding the tower,” a goblin said. “Who are
you
supposed to be, anyway?”

“She is Ruffian the Blue,” Lila said as she ran up next to Ella. “The infamous bounty hunter. See her blue dress.”

“Ruffian the Blue?” the head goblin questioned. “I figured he was a man.”

“Why?” Ella said, narrowing her eyes. “You think a woman can’t be the world’s best bounty hunter?”

The two smaller goblins shook their heads rapidly.

“Who’s the little human, then?” the lead goblin asked.

“Oh, she, uh … she captured me,” Lila offered.

“That’s right, I work for the witch,” Ella said. “I’m delivering my new prisoner to this tower.”

“Prisoner?” the head goblin asked skeptically. “But she’s not even tied up or anything. And she was running about twelve yards behind you.”

“She doesn’t need to tie me up,” Lila said quickly. “I’m totally terrified of her. If you saw the things this lady could do, you would not try to run either.”

The two goblins in the back goggled at Ella in trepidation. Their eyes bulged audibly, making a rather disgusting sucking sound. Their leader, however, was still doubtful. He squinted at Ella. “If you work for the witch,” he asked, speaking at a slow and deliberate pace, “can you tell us her name?”

Lila shot Ella an expectant look. Ella took a deep breath. She had no idea what the witch’s name was. But she was willing to bet that these loopy little creatures didn’t have the information either. “Can
you
tell me her name?” she asked.

The three goblins, who had only met with their boss for about five minutes before she screamed at them and sent them away to guard the tower, huddled together and whispered among themselves. It sounded like a pug snuffling into a pot of stew. After a minute or so—and several instances of one goblin slapping another in frustration—they broke the huddle and faced Ella again.

“Um, we’re gonna go with… Wendy,” the first goblin announced.

“Excellent,” Ella said, having no clue whether they were correct or not. “She’ll be very happy to hear that you got that right.”

The three goblins all sighed with relief.

“But she’s not going to be very happy to hear that I found the three of you on the wrong side of the tower,” Ella continued in a sinister tone, doing her best impression of her stepmother. The goblins jumped to attention. “You were supposed to be guarding the tower. Why weren’t you on the side with the window?”

“Well, the prisoner—,” the first goblin started.

“The
bard
, you mean,” Ella prompted, hoping the goblin would confirm what she already believed about the witch’s plot.

“Yep, that’s right, the bard,” the goblin said. “He wrote that famous song. You know the one.” He signaled the other goblins, and the trio began singing, “Listen, dear hearts, to the tale I confess, the tale of a girl who needed a dress—”

It was the most horrible sound Ella and Lila had ever heard.

“Stop! Stop!” Ella cried. “Yes, I know the song. Just finish telling me why you’re not out there keeping an eye on him.”

“Well, the bard kept shooting these weird little thingies at us,” the first goblin said sheepishly, avoiding eye contact with Ella.

“I’m not sure how he was doing it, but they flew real fast and stung real hard,” the second goblin added. “He must have a slingshot up there or something.” The creature handed Ella a tiny ear-shaped piece of carved ivory.

Ella had seen enough private concerts with Frederic to recognize the tuning knob of a mandolin when she saw one.

“We didn’t want to get hurt anymore, so we moved to this side,” the first goblin finished.

“That is so irresponsible,” Ella scolded. “How do you know the prisoner hasn’t escaped while you’ve been back here?”

Lila shook her head sadly. She pointed at Ella with one hand and made a throat-slashing motion with the other. One of the smaller goblins fell flat on his back and had to be helped up by the others.

“We’re going to have to check,” Ella said. “How do we get up there?”

Anxious, the goblins retrieved an extremely tall ladder from the nearby trees. They dragged it to the front of the tower and, groaning under its weight, stood it up until its top rested against the lone high windowsill. The first goblin began to climb, but Ella put her hand on his head to stop him. She quivered a bit at the damp-rug feel under her palm, but stayed in character.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Ella snapped. “I’ll go first.”

“Yes, sir, Miss Ruffian, sir,” the goblin said, and he hopped down out of her way. Ella began to climb the tall ladder.

“Should we, uh, keep an eye on your new prisoner here?” one of the other goblins asked, bringing the point of his spear dangerously close to Lila’s chest.

Ella paused. She didn’t want to leave Lila alone with these creatures. But Lila nodded to her reassuringly.
I’m okay
, the younger girl mouthed to her.

“Yes, watch her,” Ella said. “But do not harm a hair on her head, if you know what’s good for you.” Lila grinned.

Ella continued up the ladder. As she neared the top, she saw a floppy-hatted man appear in the window. He was holding a mandolin as if it were a bow, with the low E string pulled back and ready to launch another tuning knob.
Pennyfeather!

When the bard saw who was coming up the ladder, he lowered his makeshift weapon.

“Lady Ella?” he asked, thinking he must be hallucinating.

Ella held her finger to her lips to shush Pennyfeather and motioned for him to get away from the window. Below, the goblins were circling Lila with their spears.

Ella climbed over the windowsill into the small tower cell.

“Don’t say a word,” she whispered to the bard, trying not to be distracted by his glistening silver pantaloons. “We can trick them and get you out of here.”

“What do you plan to do?” the musician whispered. “I’ve only got one string left.”

“Give me your mandolin and step back,” Ella said. The minstrel handed over his instrument, and Ella yelled out to the goblins, “Uh-oh, Wendy is not going to be happy about this. You three had better come in here quick.”

The panicked goblins started to flee. “Don’t run,” Lila warned. “It’s pointless. No one escapes Ruffian the Blue. She’ll find you in minutes.”

“But—,” the first goblin began.

“Your only chance is to get up there and fix the mess you’ve made,” Lila said.

In a tizzy, the goblins handed their spears to Lila. “Hold these,” one said.

The goblins hustled to the top of the ladder, and as each stepped in through the window, Ella clobbered him over the head with the mandolin.

“That takes care of that,” Ella said once all three goblins lay in a heap on the floor of the cell. She and the bard made a speedy exit, practically sliding down the ladder on their way out. Then they pulled it away from the tower and let it fall to the grass with a thump, ensuring that the goblins would be trapped up there for quite some time.

“Oh, and there’s another lovely young lady,” the bard said.

“Lila. Big fan. Pleasure to meet you.” She shook his hand. “Oh, darn. I probably should have curtsied, right?”

“Think nothing of it,” the former prisoner said with an over-the-top bow. “Pennyfeather the Mellifluous is forever in your debt, young lasses. Though I must admit, I’m quite baffled by your presence here, Lady Ella.”

“I was a prisoner of the witch myself,” Ella said.

“Oh, so you know that the fiendish woman has my brethren bards locked away as well?” Pennyfeather asked, as he fluffed out the puffy sleeves of his shimmery gold blouse-shirt. “Aid must be procured for the others. As much as there’s a part of me that would love to see my competition languish away in that garishly decorated fortress—especially Lyrical Leif and his lackluster rhymes. Can you believe the man rhymed ‘Rumpelstiltskin’ with ‘crumpled napkins’? I don’t even know how that got past the Bards’ Board of Acceptable Rhymes. But I digress. As I was saying, even those lesser tunesmiths don’t deserve to be at the whim of that horrid sorceress. When she took us from her stronghold, I had no idea what manner of nightmarish plans she had in store for us. To be honest, I was rather relieved when she deposited me in this smaller tower and left me with those goblins.”

“Is that what they were?” Ella asked. “Goblins?”

“Don’t mind her,” Lila said, patting Ella on the back. “She’s apparently new to the outside world.”

“Pennyfeather, did you by any chance see where the other towers are?” Ella asked. “The ones the rest of the bards are in?”

“No, I was the first of us to be dropped off,” Pennyfeather said. “But if my fellow troubadours are all in similar towers, I think there may be a map that reveals their locations. I heard the goblins talking about it when they showed up for guard duty, complaining that the witch wouldn’t let them take the map and wondering if maybe they were at the wrong tower.”

“That’s great,” said Lila. “So the map must be back at that Batwing place. I’ll tell my dad to send his army straight over there.”

“Yes, you should do exactly that,” Ella said. “But I need to continue back to the witch’s fortress now.”

“By yourself?” Lila cried. “Why?”

“Because that witch is unstable,” Ella said. “She may try to kill the bards before any assistance can arrive. I have to act now.” What she didn’t tell Lila was that she had no desire to sit back twiddling her thumbs while some platoon of men with swords swooped in to save the day. She wanted to be right in the thick of things.

“Well, good luck, I guess,” Lila said. “Maybe I’ll see you again someday?”

“I guarantee it.” Ella pulled a brass pin from her own hair and used it to pin back Lila’s annoyingly loose ringlet. “Sorry,” she said. “It’s been bugging me.”

“It’s okay,” Lila said.

Ella turned to Pennyfeather. “Oh, here’s your mandolin back, by the way.” She handed him the shattered instrument, the cracked body of which was completely separated from the neck, dangling only by the frayed E string. “My apologies for that,” she added. “I hope you have a spare.”

“Thirty-five, actually,” Pennyfeather said, flashing a very white smile. “Thank you again for the rescue. I’m going to write another song about you.”

“
Another
song?” Lila wondered aloud as Ella ran off into the woods.

18

P
RINCE
C
HARMING
G
ETS
B
ATTERED AND
F
RIED

O
utside Zaubera’s fortress, Gustav was pounding mercilessly on the fallen giant.

“Get off him!” Gustav screamed as he kicked, punched, and poked. Groaning, Reese rolled over, revealing poor Prince Frederic, who’d been smashed facedown into the soil. Gustav peeled Frederic up from the sloppy, wet muck.

“Are you alive?” he asked his limp companion.

“I don’t think so,” Frederic said weakly.

Gustav dragged him over to the still-unconscious Duncan.

“Stay here by Mr. Mini-Cape,” he said. “I’m going to finish off this extra-large pain in the neck.”

Reese was sitting on the ground, rubbing his various injuries. He groaned when he saw Gustav marching back toward him.

“This job doesn’t pay enough,” wailed the giant.

Suddenly the doors of the stronghold burst open, and the dragon charged out into the clearing with Liam astride its serpentine neck. Liam’s eyes grew wide as he saw Gustav walking directly in the dragon’s path.

“Gustav, look out!” he yelled.

Gustav had only enough time to look in the direction of Liam’s voice and say, “Oh, starf it all,” before he was engulfed in a ball of dragon fire. His armor protected most of his body, although its fur trim disintegrated instantly, and Gustav’s long blond hair sizzled into nothingness. He dropped his sword and crumpled to the ground, beating on his head to put out the fire.

Relieved to see that Gustav was still alive (if slightly scorched), Liam began tugging on the dragon’s horns, trying to steer it in the giant’s direction. Instead of following directions, the beast surprised him by unfurling a pair of broad, leathery wings and taking to the air.

“Where were you hiding
those
?” Liam cried as the dragon circled the open sky above the fortress. Trying to keep his wits about him, he pushed the horns to angle the dragon’s head ground-ward. “Down! Down!”

It seemed to work. At tremendous speed, the dragon began to dive straight down toward the giant. Wind whipped at Liam viciously, threatening to tear him from his perch on the dragon’s neck, but he held on tight. Reese saw the dragon zooming toward him and hid his face in his hands.

During all of this, Zaubera had been planning and plotting up in the observatory at the top of her fortress’s tallest tower, where she often went to think. Her Supreme Scheme for Infamy was moving along nicely. She’d procured Cinderella, the ultimate hero lure. She had each of the bards hidden away in a separate location, safe from any mass rescue attempts before the grand finale. And she’d already taken the precaution of hiring extra security for the big day.