The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex (39 page)

Talking in a frank manner at the start of a relationship also opens the door to nonsexual discussions as well.
It allows you both to sense how serious and committed you are to each other.
While one of you may be dreaming of monogrammed towels, the other might be thinking of his next good time.
Any sexual discussion often brings forth these important issues.

Before relaxing your safe-sex policies, determine what STDs your new partner has had or still has—and not just HIV!
Herpes will not go away and condyloma probably won’t either.
Hepatitis B, if chronic, can be passed between partners as HIV can.
It is possible to keep from catching an STD from your partner, and knowing if one of you is a carrier helps.
Then and only then can you make an educated decision as to whether to continue and what precautions, if any, you’re both going to take.
If he bolts because of something you admitted, then look on the bright side:
It’s better that he left early on than after you’d solidified your bonds.

Even though you set sexual boundaries early in your relationship, you probably will want to reevaluate the subject periodically.
As relationships strengthen or even deteriorate, what once worked may no longer be applicable.
Most couples reach a point in their togetherness when they recognize their commitment to each other—which may or may not imply sexual monogamy.
Disagreements must be dealt with.
Again, knowledge and honesty are key.
If your partner wants you to have sex with only him and you know you can’t, then tell him.
You may try to give up other men, but be honest if you fail.
Therapy can be extremely beneficial as you try to work through differences.

Clearly a truly monogamous relationship is the best protection
you have against an STD.
Many couples abandon safe sex once they are committed and
both
HIV negative or positive.
If you find yourself in a once-monogamous relationship that is no longer working and you’ve begun to have sex with others, then you must tell your partner.
Your fear of admitting the truth puts him at risk as long as he continues to have unprotected sex with you.
I know you’re thinking that you always wear a condom for anal sex with others, but I hope you’ve learned by now that there is plenty more you can bring home besides HIV.
You might be totally safe and participate only in low-risk activities like mutual masturbation, but low risk does not mean no risk.

Just because your doctor tells you that you have an STD when you know you’ve been faithful doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner strayed.
I know it’s hard, but try to keep an open mind.
Certain STDs can be in
your
body for years and you just never knew you had them.
You may have had mild herpes attacks in the past that only now became painful.
Urethritis, prostatitis, and many other infections can also be chronic and so mild that you were unaware until you had this recent flare-up.
Warts are probably the most common example of STDs that can stay dormant until something triggers an outbreak.
Even if your current partner is the only guy who’s ever penetrated you, it doesn’t mean he’s the one who gave you the disease.
Fingers, toys, and skin-to-skin contact with prior partners can pass STDs.
And the same holds true for your partner.
If he did give you the STD, he might have had it for years but been unaware.
His flare-up could make him suddenly more contagious and able to pass it on to you.
So before you point a finger (or anything else), remember, a new STD doesn’t prove cheating, and
you
might have been the one to bring it to your relationship.

For some couples, sexual monogamy is not the answer.
They have sex with other partners, or a couple might have
sex with others in a three- or foursome (or even more).
One patient I treat routinely goes to a bathhouse with his lover of many years and they take separate rooms, have separate experiences, and then leave together at an appointed hour.
Most couples in open relationships know that each is free to have sex outside of their relationship, but this doesn’t lessen their commitment.
Again, knowledge and honesty will keep you physically and mentally healthy.
You must set boundaries that you both adhere to.
If you agree to have other partners, then discuss what is allowed.
You might draw the line at anal sex or forbid frequenting high-risk places.
You know the risk of each type of sexual behavior, and you must decide how far you’ll both go.
If your partner does not want you fucking someone else but jerking off is fine, then tell him if you can’t respect his wishes.
If he’s on his back with his legs in the air, he has a right to know that you haven’t had high-risk anal sex with others.

I have a patient who tells me that anytime a relationship goes beyond the third date he insists that they both get HIV-tested.
Even if his new boyfriend tells him he’s negative, my patient wants to know for sure.
Moreover, he wants to be able to reassure his boyfriend that he is negative as well.
This isn’t to imply that my patient wouldn’t date anyone who is positive; he has.
He wants to know so that he can come to the relationship knowing how stringent his safe-sex practices will be.
If a lover is positive and you are negative, you might not have anal sex or might have oral sex without ejaculation or only if he wears a condom.
The point is that you can make your choices only on the basis of knowledge.
If you are an HIV-positive man, you have a responsibility to protect your negative partner even if he doesn’t wish to be protected.

Although my patient’s third-date rule may seem a little
harsh, I agree that it is wise for partners to be tested early on in a relationship.
This isn’t because I believe that one of you might be lying (although it has happened) but because many men do not realize they have HIV.
Many couples relax their safe-sex practices as their relationship progresses, something that you may not want to happen if one or both of you is positive.
As mentioned, men who are HIV positive have a higher likelihood of carrying other STDs and may even have resistant strains of HIV that can pass between partners.

I also advise couples in long-term relationships to undergo periodic HIV testing to be sure that neither one has become infected.
It is best to have a set date each year (an anniversary or birthday is easy) so that suspicions of infidelity are not raised should one partner come home and suggest that they both be tested.

I treated a man who first came to me with herpes, which he picked up while having
protected
anal sex in a bathhouse.
A few months later he returned to my office with molluscum—also from a bathhouse.
When he came in with condyloma (guess where he got it?
), he finally admitted that his relationship with his lover wasn’t working.
(Hello?
) Anal sex was very important for my patient, and his partner refused to fulfill this sexual need.
Rather than discussing it or terminating their relationship he chose to cheat on his partner, having anal sex in bathhouses.
I suggested couples therapy, because my patient was allowing a relationship that wasn’t working to impact negatively on his health.

No one formula will work for everyone; each relationship is different.
Dialogue between partners is crucial, as is honesty.
If your situation changes or your needs are not being met, then talk to your lover.
If an unhappy partner confronts you, getting defensive will only worsen the situation and terminate any chance at meaningful discussion.

Sex between men is too dangerous in this day and age to be taken lightly.
Keep your sex hot, safe, and honest.
Once sexual boundaries are established, they must be respected.

Monogamy isn’t right for everyone.


Try to assess your relative risk for catching an STD from a potential partner by asking pertinent questions.


Before having sex, look for signs of STDs.
Keep the lights on, your eyes open, and the experience hot.


If you’re worried that he has “something,” masturbation is usually safe.


Wear a condom.


After sex, wash up with an antibacterial soap.


You can’t usually tell if someone has HIV just by looking at him.


Discuss sexual boundaries with your partner and work toward an agreement.


An open relationship is fine as long as you’re honest with each other.


Even men in monogamous relationships should have periodic HIV tests.


Knowledge and a condom are your best protection against an STD.


A new STD doesn’t have to mean cheating.