The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex (42 page)

You’re probably always “cleaning up” after your partner’s binges, explaining why he missed work or that important appointment.
Sure, you’re helping him out of a difficult spot, but he needs to feel the consequences of his actions if you expect him to change.
Drugs feel great.
No one gives them up unless they realize the harm they’re doing.

Enablers may encourage a partner’s drug use for more personal reasons.
If your partner is stoned, you may find it easier to control him.
When high, some men drift into their own world, and you get a welcome break from a difficult lover.
Some men use drugs for sexual seduction.
If he can get it up only with a little Ecstacy, you’re probably only too happy to pass it his way.

Often enablers use their partner’s drug problem to keep themselves out of the spotlight.
If drugs turn your lover into the life of the party, you’re freed from holding up your end of the conversation.
If most of your relationship revolves around discussions of
his
drug problems, then it deflects attention from what is really wrong with the relationship and your own shortcomings.
Your drug-dependent partner becomes an easy target.
Everyone wants to talk about him and everyone offers you, the suffering spouse, support.
It’s a comfortable situation for someone afraid to examine his own issues.

Getting your lover help may be impossible, and many psychologists recommend that
you
get help first.
Learn how drugs affect your partner and your relationship and what
you’re doing to perpetuate his use.
Any good therapist will help you steer your partner toward treatment, and it won’t be easy.
You’ll bear the brunt of his anger, and it may be hard to take all the shit he dishes out.
Al-Anon offers excellent support groups for partners of addicted people.
You can’t do it alone, so give them a call.

Former First Lady Betty Ford brought drug dependency into the rarefied world of the rich and beautiful.
No longer a problem of lower socioeconomic groups, it almost became fashionable to admit to a stay at her clinic.
(Just imagine how quick you’d perk up party conversation dropping the little tidbit that Liza was in your group.
) Fortunately, gay men now have their own clinics specializing in drug and alcohol dependency and mental health.
Pride Institute, based in Minnesota with satellites in New York, New Jersey, Illinois, and Florida, and Alternatives in California are just two examples.
Check with your doctor or gay-specific classifieds to find other organizations, locations, and contact phone numbers.
Make the call.
It’s hard, but it’s the first step in your new direction.

Drugs and alcohol have always been prevalent in the gay community.
They are major obstacles in our efforts to eliminate HIV.
Abuse potential is high, and drugs don’t have to be illegal to be dangerous.

There are no standards for illegal drugs, and composition varies widely.


Drugs alter chemicals in your brain, so what starts off as a pleasurable ride often dissolves into a nightmare before it’s over.


Addiction or dependency begins gradually, and most men don’t realize they have a problem until it’s too late.


Drugs distort judgment, making safe sex less likely.


Drugs (alcohol included) can have harmful interactions.


Snorting, shooting, or smoking a drug makes a smaller dose more potent.


Drugs affect many other organs besides the brain.


If a partner is a substance abuser, you both need help.


If you have an addictive personality, let your doctor know.


Narcotics are sometimes necessary even if you’ve had drug problems in the past.


Marijuana is still illegal in the United States.