The Language Inside (30 page)

then Toby goes off to play soccer

like it’s the most normal day of the year

Mom and Dad and I

go for a walk as the sun sets

and Mom picks up leaves

crimson, russet and gold

and the cold settles down upon us

as I update Dad

on school

Model UN

and Zena

skipping right over

Samnang

neither of them mentions dinner at Chris and Beth’s

though Mom has probably filled him in

and maybe mentioned to him

something about Samnang

about Samnang and me

and what she might have thought

               was

but actually

               is not

Dad brought ingredients

for
okonomiyaki

so when we get back to the house

he and I chop cabbage and scallions

peel and devein shrimp

mix the batter and cook

the big pancakes in a skillet

after we’ve started eating

Mom shuts her eyes as she chews

and tells us she could swear

she was back in Japan

but then a neighbor’s car alarm goes off

she opens her eyes, says
guess not!

Toby says
wait—close your eyes again

and he whispers for us to make Japan sounds

so we do—

train crossing gates

temple bells

ambulances

min-min
cicadas

musical trash trucks

motorcycle gangs

whistling kites

five-o’clock chimes

train announcements

lost-elderly announcements . . . 

all in a crazy messy sequence

that has us cracking up

and YiaYia shaking her head

until Toby decides to throw in

some farts and burps and

that’s the end of that

after dinner we go out for ice cream cones

because that’s what Mom wants—

peppermint stick with chocolate sprinkles

or
jimmies
as YiaYia and Dad call them

but when we get home

suddenly it’s not fun anymore

it’s time for going over all the details

of tomorrow

               Mom’s bag for the hospital

               the forms

               the instructions for YiaYia

I go upstairs to the room I share with Toby

sit on the bed with a pillow and atlas for a desk

but instead of homework

I take out the notebook

I use with Zena

stare at a blank page

and finally write

the word I’ve been

avoiding

    
fear

and I think of other times

I’ve felt it

and write

    
floors and walls

    
ceilings and lights moving

    
when they shouldn’t

I turn the page

and stare at the paper

and think

and write

    
hope

then

    
outside repaired homes

    
Madoka’s cousins roll a ball

    
for a snowman

I think some more

and write

    
a missing breast

    
on a running woman

    
is hardly noticed

I’m about to turn the page

when my phone buzzes

and there’s a text

from Samnang

good luck to your mom tomorrow

will call after school to check

               with no apology or explanation

               about that girl Serey

and I suppose I’m glad at least

to have this much from him

I text back

39

Dad comes into the bedroom with Toby

and they sit down on the edge of my bed

and I put the phone

and notebook away

Dad holds us close

one on each side

kisses us in turn

tells us not to worry

we have a tough mother

and it’s a tiny bit of abnormality

that they want to remove so it doesn’t spread

and the prognosis is good, good, good

and we need to hold on to that word

good