The Language Inside (28 page)

Sam . . . Samnang offers me some juice

coconut or tamarind

I go for tamarind

and he pours from a can

into two glasses with ice

and gives me one

then in a corner of the kitchen

he lifts his glass to me and says softly

so the others don’t hear

here’s to different Americans

and I smile gratefully and

take a sip

and think

maybe, just maybe

he didn’t realize I was calling him

Sam

all this time

Lena and Van’s handkerchief skit

about a rabbit, goldfish and butterfly

who trick a noisy cicada

into being quiet

is followed by an amazing meal

set on mats spread on the living room rug

and Lily’s pleased to see

that we’re fine sitting on the mats

and that we love everything

Beth tells me it’s great that I’m running

to help eliminate stress and asks if I experience

creative bursts during migraines

but I shake my head

not so far

Mom asks Chris about his painting and design work

the classes he teaches at an art school

Lily asks Toby to teach her some Japanese words

Samnang talks about his upcoming performance

Van is begging for more handkerchief tricks

and though I’m eating foods I’ve never eaten before

and though we’re with a family in Massachusetts

we’ve never dined with before

this is the most I’ve felt at home

since we left Japan

then partway through dessert

Lily makes some reference

to Samnang’s friend Say-something

asks about her twisted ankle

and how she’s dancing

I keep my eyes on the coconut pudding

my spoon slicing through it

ask
how do you spell that?

so I don’t make any more name mistakes

and Lily says
S-e-r-e-y

it means
freedom

but in my peripheral vision

I catch Chris and Beth glancing at me

and at Sam . . . Samnang

and I can practically feel him

tensing on the mat beside me

Samnang says something to his mother

in Khmer

she answers him sharply

in Khmer

and he says something back

and I am no dummy

I notice

when Chris abruptly changes the subject

and talks over Lily when she tries to say

something further on the subject of Serey

later, when we leave

Samnang hangs back by his mother

and Beth walks beside me to the car

and whispers
sorry

I’m not quite sure what that was all about

but nobody needs to tell me

what it’s all about

Sunday I wake up way too early

in a way foul mood

and I wish things were as simple

as flicking switches

               some thoughts on

               some thoughts off

I find Samnang Gill on Facebook

but don’t friend him yet

I go for an early-morning run

and do sit-ups

and push-ups

and other self-inflicted punishment

I decline YiaYia’s offer to go to church

not really wanting to be near Lowell

just in case I see Sam . . . Samnang

I’m hoping Samnang will text

and say something like

               
sorry about that Serey stuff

               
she’s just my cousin

or something else to deny

that he has a girlfriend

then just after I’ve showered and dressed

Toby flies into the room

with the computer open

and there is Madoka

waving at me

oh my God!
I say

you forgot!
she says
didn’t you!

behind her are Kenji, Shin and Kako

and they are all laughing

because my hair is not even combed

and I really did forget that we had

emailed and agreed on this time

it’s so weird to see them there

in Madoka’s living room

while I’m here in YiaYia’s house

and we all start talking at once—

they’re asking questions

I’m asking questions

and the words get Skype-garbled

slow down!
I tell them

they ask about my school life

and how much I weigh

and then they all cover their ears

like I’m talking too loud

finally when I ask Madoka

about her grandparents and relatives

the others are quiet

Madoka says they’re doing okay

that it’s getting cold up there

that her grandparents will visit

Kamakura at New Year’s

your aunt?
I ask

not yet
she says

meaning they still

haven’t recovered

her body

then Madoka’s mother appears

Emma-chan, how are you?

take good care of your mother!