The Language Inside (40 page)

Samnang sighs

shakes his head

my mom wishes it

and Serey and I sometimes fake it

because Serey has a boyfriend

from the community college

that her parents don’t know about

so it helps her get out of the house

if she goes with me

and now I’m totally baffled

you fake it? you pretend you’re together?

he nods

do Beth and Chris know you aren’t?

he tilts his head

I don’t know

what about the other dancers?

Samnang says

oh, they know Serey has a boyfriend

and it’s not me

we come to YiaYia’s street

and Samnang stops at the corner

then doesn’t proceed—

he’s looking at me

you’re going back to Japan, right?

I nod

January, right?

that’s what your grandmother said

the day you had the migraine

I try to read the meaning in his eyes

lit by dashboard and street light

I think we’ll be here the full year

my parents don’t say anything

about January anymore

Samnang says

you want to go back?

and I say
well, yeah, that’s my home

and after the earthquake and tsunami

I just feel like I should be there helping out

like it’s wrong to be here

I tell him about Madoka’s aunt

               just found

and her cousins

and their destroyed schools

I’d be more useful in Japan
I say

I hear you
he says

then shifts in his seat

well, tell your mother and everyone

hello and I hope she recovers fast

and it’s not till after I get out of the car, wave

and he’s driven off that it occurs to me

               when he asked if I want to go back

               there was another way

               I could have answered

               like I derailed a conversation

               that could have been

Mom is able to walk a bit

the next day

and after school

I help her take small steps

up the sidewalk

as far as the stop sign

then back again

down the street

on the other side

after that

she’s exhausted

but it’s warm enough

for her to sit on a lawn chair

wrapped in a blanket

with a cup of hot
yuzu
tea

bathing in the afternoon sun

before it starts to drop

I sit with her

but she doesn’t let me stay still for long

insisting that since she can’t work I should

she makes me grab a rake from the garage

and rake leaves into piles for YiaYia

               which I do

but Mom tells me I don’t rake right

don’t put enough strength into it

don’t know what I’m doing

               which is true

well, duh, I want to say

I was raised in Japan with yards

so small we picked the leaves out by hand

               but I don’t

I’m sweating

shedding layer after layer

scarf, jacket, sweatshirt

as I make a huge pile of leaves

beside her chair

so she can smell them

and reach down

to touch them

the colors are more intense

in Vermont
she says

and I wish we could see Vermont

before the leaves drop

before the snow

a little later she gets chilled

I help her inside, get her set up on the bed again

then find Dad who shows me how to rake the leaves

onto an old sheet and carry the bundle

over my shoulder to a compost pile

Dad is here till the weekend

Gram and Gramps staying nearby

cousins and old friends

of Mom’s and Dad’s drop by

and YiaYia’s house is full of traffic

our meals noisy

though Mom is often

too exhausted to join us

there is not much time

to think of poems

or even scribble

in my journal

but sometimes like a meteor

a streak of thought

or a poem line

               shoots through my head

but by the time I open

my journal

late at night

               it’s vanished

when I see Samnang at school

I try to stop to talk

say more than
hey

even though there isn’t time

between classes

for much more than
hey

I ask him about the school dance club

if he’s friends with anyone in it

if he knows Tracy or Claire or the two guys

but although he danced with some of them once

he doesn’t know anyone well

we make plans to have pizza

after our work at the Newall Center

on Wednesday