The Language Inside (61 page)

when I can finally see her on the screen

seated at her desk

face brightened by her study lamp

her favorite sax-player posters

               Sadao Watanabe, Kaori Kobayashi and Mindi Abair

barely visible in the dark behind her

I take a long breath and say

I won’t be coming back with my father

there are too many reasons to stay—

my mom, Zena, dance

Samnang . . . 

she smiles, wearily, says it’s okay

she hadn’t expected I would

and had worried that I actually might

even though I shouldn’t

when I squint at her, puzzled

she elaborates

just take care of your mother

that’s your obligation now

and I marvel at how in just a couple months

my thinking seems to have shifted slightly

like a fault slip in an earthquake

away from Madoka’s clear-cut view of life

with obligation guiding everything

and I’m glad that I made this decision

not just by ranking my obligations

maybe I have

become a little more of an

amerika-jin

but Miyagi
I say

your relatives need so much help

your grandparents, your cousins, those towns

up and down the coast of Tohoku . . . 

Emma
she says

it’s just a half year or so, right?

and besides, other people are helping, too

that’s everyone’s responsibility, not just yours

well, tell your cousins

I haven’t forgotten them
I say

and that I’m starting a project

to raise money for their schools

so we’ll want to know what they need—

can you ask them to make some lists?

talk with their teachers, start thinking

of what they might purchase

with funds we raise?

I explain my dance idea—

Tracy’s crazy suggestion

of
tanko bushi
at halftime

and the full Dance for Tohoku program

for the one-year anniversary

Emma-chan, sugoi!
—great!

they need so much
she says

               
band instruments, sports uniforms, cameras . . . 

everything was swept away

then she tells me about the service for her aunt

changes in her grandparents’ town

and the plans for rebuilding

we’ll do what we can to help
I say

after we end our Skype

I shut myself in my room

and make a card

using the outline of a runner

I find on the Internet

shaped a bit like my mother

traced again and again

to create a woman speeding

across the page

inside

I write my message

with my revised poem

    
a healing breast

    
on a running woman

    
is hardly noticed

early afternoon I give my mother the card

and I tell her I look forward

to being her pacer

when she starts running again

in spring

and suddenly she’s bawling

like she hasn’t ever let herself cry

through any of this cancer mess

YiaYia comes running

followed by Toby

and at first they wonder

what I did now

to upset Mom

but I tell them my decision

and Toby does this new high five

he’s been trying to teach me

and my mom smiles through her tears

and YiaYia hugs me tight

then I call my father in New York

and he is so relieved

he sounds like he might cry, too

finally I call Samnang

hey
he says

hey
I say

you decided
he says

I decided
I say

well?
he asks

can you come get me?
I say

now? I’m at my mother’s

and I’m watching Lena and Van

can’t someone else stay with them?

he takes forever to think this over

and I have to summon all

my Japanese patience

as I wait

let me see what I can do
he finally says

it may take me half an hour, okay?

finally an hour later he rings the doorbell

sticks his head inside to tell YiaYia

he’ll have me home by dinner

then takes my hand

on the walkway I pause to face him

as he eyes me with anticipation

I ask if he can take me to a place

where we can see water

               if not the sea

               at least a pond

               or lake

               or river

so we can talk

there are about two hours

left of daylight

he looks toward the car

examines the sky

scrunches his face

let me call Serey
he says

and I squint at him thinking

what?

for a while

he paces up and down the sidewalk

smiling, waving his hands

jabbering into his cell phone

then he returns to me

I asked her to come,
too
he says

and to my quizzical look

he bursts out laughing

pats my shoulder and says

kidding!

she was giving me directions