The Language Inside (57 page)

like how not right away?
he says

like . . . I’d be able to get my permit

and your license?

not my license

I’d go back with my father

to start school in January

I hear a door bang shut

or a book thrown

then he’s wheezing

and I count seven inhales

and seven exhales

yeah, but . . . 
he says

I know
I say

then I tell him I need to walk

for a bit, just think

that I need him to stay on the line

and he agrees

I go around to the front of the house

and make my way up the street

over the cracks and swollen

root wounds of the sidewalk

I like that he’s okay with silence

as if he’s walking with me

I like that he doesn’t feel the need

to fill the quiet every second

look

Samnang eventually says

I get it about being pushed and pulled

and pressure and guilt

but you can help from here

I know I can
I say

but now they’re saying I can go back

and I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what’s right

well, I can’t tell you what’s right
he says

I know, I’m not asking you to

but Samnang, whichever way I decide

I think I may have to try on the idea

before I make it final

Emma
he suddenly says
stay

he’s never spoken to me like this

with my name and a command

why?
I ask

he hedges

there are plenty of reasons
he says

but the vagueness bothers me

like?
I ask, just wanting to hear him say

but then his voice turns sharp

like figure it out!
he says

and hangs up

I hide out in my room

till YiaYia calls me down for dinner

which I hardly touch

then I go upstairs to write in my journal

but I end up just staring

at a blank page

the next morning

I get an email from Madoka

who must have heard from her parents

that my father’s going back

she says she’ll be preparing for high-school entrance exams

she says she’ll be busy but we can study together if I like

she says we can have dinner together now and then

but her words are muted

she doesn’t say she’s pleased

or is waiting for me

I disappear into homework

wishing Samnang would call

but he doesn’t

and I can’t say I blame him

Jae-Sun is mad at me when I mention

the possibility of my going back, saying

I already committed to Boston Model UN

so why can’t I just stay till that’s over

you flip-flopped
he says

my parents flip-flopped
I say

I decide not to say anything to Tracy

until I really know what I’m doing

Samnang is sullen

distant and cool

when we meet

in the halls at school

but by Wednesday

when we drive to the Newall Center

he’s thawed some

focusing less on later

and more on now

which is what I want to do

for a change

we skirt the topic of my decision

talk about our classes

our plans with Leap Sok and Zena

even dance

he tells me he consulted the dance troupe director

even checked with the other dancers

and they said I can join the practices

from next week after their performance

he adds
I asked about summers, too

in case you want to join in

whenever you’re back here

thanks
I say

               as he parks at the center

so grateful that he’s waiting

patient

not pressing me

for an answer

on my decision

we sign in

and elevator up

to the wards

to our patients’ rooms