The Makeover (14 page)

Phoenix’s eyes shimmered and this time she let the
tears fall.

Nic’s face crumpled as she threw a pillow at
San.  “You are one cold-blooded fish!  Fe,” she continued, softening
her tone. “We’re sorry, but it’s true.  I always wish we can take you to
more places with us, but you never have a good time.  You spend half your
time worrying about how bad you look and the other half upset that no one paid
you any attention.  Then you drink and start complaining about how you
need to get in shape and how you hope some dermatologist can help your
skin.  It’s pitiful, Girl.  We didn’t want to have to deal with all
that on our vacation.  We love you, Fe, but you got to love
yourself.  You bash yourself worse than anyone I’ve ever seen.  It’s
kinda
…well…” Nic lowered her eyes.  “It’s pathetic,”
she finished quietly.

“Part of me wants to say that I guess you’re
right.  But again, why couldn’t you guys talk to me about it, or help me
with it?”  Phoenix was still starving, in spite of being hurt to her
deepest core.  But now she was afraid to grab a snack from the trays of
food San had ordered from
D’Agostino’s
for their
monthly movie lunch date.   Then just as swiftly, her hunger was
replaced by nausea as her words hung in the air.  They sounded very
familiar.  She was puzzled as she tried to remember why her own words were
hurting her so deeply.

Then it hit her.

Those were words she’d had to ask every single
person that ever meant anything to her in the past month.  One month prior,
she had said those exact words to Cedric as he explained why he had broken her
heart.  Two weeks after that, she had asked her mother the same when her
mother had basically told her she was worthless because of her looks. 
Right then, she was asking her friends the same question.

The fact that every single person who was supposed
to have her back was dumping on her, abandoning her, and accusing her filled
Phoenix with a bitter poison that started to take root in her stomach.  It
pulsed and grew until it began to eat away at every single loving,
compassionate, and generous cell that had shaped the personality of Phoenix
Jean-
Baptiste
. 

The toxic pain swirled and churned within her, as Phoenix
stared at her friends.  “So my needing help in this area of my life caused
me to be a drag to you guys, huh?”  She deadpanned, gazing into San’s
eyes.  “Basically, I cramp your style.
 
Is what you’re trying to say?”

Nic jumped up, eyes wide.  “No, Phoenix—”

But San sighed before giving tossing up her
shoulder.  “In a word, Fe, yeah.”

Nodding, Phoenix rose from the armchair with a smile
on her face.  It was like a mask on her lips, carved out the same
materials that were turning her heart to stone.  “I see.  Okay, well,
it is what it is, right San?  I guess I
oughta
get out of your house, before I continue to cramp your style.”  She
grabbed her bag and looked around for her shoes.  “I guess I need to stop
pulling you guys down with me.”

Nic walked over to her, hand outstretched, but
Phoenix yanked back before her friend’s hand could make contact with her
arm.  “No, Fe, don’t be like that.  Don’t leave.”

Phoenix looked at her sweet friend.  She knew
Nicola had a caring heart but was often influenced by Sandra, who had to
control everything.  She loved the both of them, with all of their
flaws.  She really did.  These women had been her friends for more
than fifteen years.  But at the end of the day, it boiled down to nothing
but the fact that they felt she was hindering them.  The fact that her
looks made her friends look down on her in such a way felt worse than Cedric’s
infidelity or her mother’s lack of sympathy. 

“Fe, you don’t have to leave just because I was
being honest with you, okay?  I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but we
needed to be real with you,” San spoke then looked away.  San, no matter
how critical she could be, had always been intuitive.  She sensed she had
pushed Phoenix to a place where the dynamics of their friendship might forever
be altered. 

“Yeah, Fe,” Nic said in a small voice.  “You
always say you want help, so being honest with you about how we feel is our way
of helping you.”

Phoenix had started to walk towards the long hallway
to the front door of the brownstone building San and her husband owned. 
But then something about Nic’s words caused her to laugh.

She turned to her friends.  “Are you for
real?  You both call telling me that I’m a drag, who cramps your style,
helping me?”  She dropped her bags.  “Not inviting me on trips or
returning my phone calls while you’re on the beach showing off in your bikinis
is friendship?  And even though you went away, I know you guys got my
messages!  Y’all check your phones every few minutes.  So tell me how
avoiding me during one of the most difficult times in my life is the right way
to show me you care about me?  Wow.  Maybe you both and I have
different definitions of the word help.  I don’t know, call me crazy.”

This time San jumped up.  “You know what,
Fe?  You want to sulk and stomp off and have another pity party, you go
ahead.  Only this time, you ain’t getting me to RSVP to this one.”

Phoenix laughed.  “Funny.  You were always
funny, I’ll give you that.  Cold, true.  Judgmental and stuck-up,
yes.  But at least you were always funny.  And it’s also funny how
you’ve forgotten how many times I have had to help you.  Yeah, you judge
and criticize me, make fun of me, because I asked for help from you guys to get
in shape, maybe to give me a makeover.  I thought it was a compliment to you
both that I admired how beautiful you both are and how you dress so well,
making it look so effortless.  I wanted some of that and if I had it,
maybe I could have been a big girl with confidence and spunk, like your sister,
Nic.  But you chicks refused to help me, getting impatient with me,
because it took more time than you wanted to spare.  I have never asked
you guys to help me with anything else in my entire life.  I was always
the one you turned to.  When you needed advice, I was there.  When
you needed an emotional pick-me-up, I had your back.  When your baby
father dumped you, Nic, after your son passed his second day on earth, and you
were practically suicidal, I was there.  And you, San.  How many
times did I have to literally hold your hand through something you needed?”

“Like what?” San shouted, eyes blazing.  “I am
grown woman!  Since when did you have to hold my hand for anything?”

“Oh, it’s funny how you never forget when someone
does something
to
you but conveniently forget when someone does
something
for
you.  Do you remember when you first met David? 
Remember you told me how this man had an M.B.A. and you didn’t even have your
GED, how it felt you could never win his heart because you had nothing to offer
him?  Remember how hard it was for you to go back and get your GED, after
you dropped out in our senior year to pursue that modeling thing that never
happened?  How quickly you forget that I am the one who called the school,
who walked you in there to register, who studied with you for the pretest, and
helped you finish the course.  I am the one who stayed up with you for
several nights to help you study.  I drove you to the testing site, and
when you failed the first time, I helped you study the math for weeks so you
could pass and get your GED the second time. 

Then I tried to encourage you for about a full year,
before you decided to take classes at City College.  It wasn’t until you
wanted David to propose that you really started worrying about his preference
to be with an educated woman, remember?  It was then that you finally felt
motivated enough to go to college.  Even then, I had to again physically
take you to the school, help you complete the application, and submit it. 
Heck, I even paid the application fee for you!  It was again Phoenix who
tutored you through every class, practically rewrote all of your half-done
papers, and helped you to study for all of your exams.  I encouraged you
through until the very day you graduated with your degree in Public Relations.
 And even now, when you need me to edit your statements and reports for
your clients?  You—” 

“So you’re throwing that in my face now, Fe?” San
rolled her eyes.  “And that’s fair?”

Phoenix swallowed as familiar words again haunted her. 
“No, it’s not fair.  Just like it isn’t fair for you to tell me that I can
only help myself.  Funny how you don’t feel that way when you need someone
to help you achieve your goals.”

San stood there, her arms crossed, with her eyes
conveniently trained on the floor.  “Again, it’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it?  You had a desire to get an
education and you needed someone to hold your hand, practically drag you
through the process, and I did it for five years, and here you are.  I
have a desire to lose weight and maybe do some kind of makeover, and maybe that
would take six months tops, and yet here
I
am, being told you’re sick of
my pity party, that I am a drag, and I don’t deserve the same help and support
with my goal as I gave you with yours.  Yeah, you’ve always been funny,
San.”  Phoenix struggled to lower her voice.  “So I wasn’t as
fashionable or glamorous as you both are.  So I wanted some
guidance.  Big deal.  But I guess I’m a drag for that.”  Phoenix
sneered.  “What if I had told you that you were not smart enough to hang
with me at all my college functions because you only had a GED?  What if I
had called you a drag?”

Phoenix turned to Nic, who was standing in between
her and San, just watching the events play out.  She wanted to remind Nic
of all the times she had to lend her money to help her through the effects of
her out-of-control shopping addiction, even though she made thousands more a
year than Phoenix as a celebrity fashion stylist.  She wanted to remind
Nic how she helped her to avoid eviction when Nic chose to spend her money many
times on Christian
Laboutin
pumps rather than her
bills.  She wanted her friend to recollect all the calls she had made to
get her an attorney, and how she had attended all the court hearings for
several months.  She wanted to jog Nic’s memory about sitting with her
each month, over the course of a year, to hold her hand through paying her
bills on time, and budgeting her monthly income.  Phoenix also wanted to
remind Nic of the additional year she had spent helping Nic clear her credit
history.  But she didn’t.  She didn’t because Nic, at least, was
still her friend.

And friends should not have to remind friends of all
they had done for them before getting help from them.

Phoenix was aware that it was wrong on some level to
throw what she had done back in their faces.  But she felt it was equally
wrong for them to be selfish in her time of need.

Phoenix told herself that she had been forced to say
those words  and that she was done with San.

Nic sighed.  “Don’t be mad at San for telling
you the truth.”

These chicks are crazy.  Why can’t anyone see
how selfish it is to take and take from me for years, only to turn around and
refuse to reciprocate the love and kindness I give them? 
Phoenix raged as the thoughts consumed her. 

“Matter of fact,” Phoenix whispered, “I’m finished
with the both of you.”

“You know what?  This thing went out of hand,”
San began, with a stricken look on her face.  “I don’t even know how we
got here.  You were talking about this guy and whether you should call him
and accept his help and—” San clenched teeth and let her statement trail away.

Phoenix knew San was trying to redirect the
conversation, just like she understood that it was San’s pride that was keeping
her from admitting her hypocrisy. 

What Phoenix didn’t understand were the forces at
work behind this bizarre conversation.

Phoenix picked her bags up from their place on the
floor.  “Bull.  We got here because I needed help and you didn’t want
to be bothered, San.  We got here ‘cause you finally got off your chest
all the things you’ve always wanted to tell me while you were avoiding me or
cutting me out of planned trips to Miami.  Frankly it doesn’t even matter
how we got here.  Only thing that matters is that we’re here.  And
here is where we’re
gonna
stay.”

Phoenix walked to the front door and turned to look
back at her friends with a sneer.  “I don’t even know why I thought you
guys would ever help me.  After all, what would you get out of it? 
Besides, you’re right.  I prayed and God sent me some help.  And I
was stupid enough to wait this long to make use of it.  Enjoy your movie
date, ladies.  Hope this conversation didn’t cramp your style.”

Phoenix felt her eyes burn, as she stormed out the
door, but she was done crying.