The Makeover (21 page)

She continued to
wiggle but her strength grew weak after fighting him for several minutes. 
She eventually collapsed against him, melting into his strength, wrapping her
arms tightly around his middle.  She pressed her cheek against his heart
that beat out a warrior’s thump, a challenge declaring that he would not lose
the battle she had taken them into.

And she
yielded, knowing deep down in a place that had been untouched by Pride,
Rebellion, Fear, and Rage, that she could not win the battle. 

She knew she
could not win because she was facing a soldier in God’s Army.

So she
surrendered against him, filled with a deep longing to be held forever in his
arms.  She allowed herself to cry out her pent-up loneliness, her fear,
her disillusionment, and her pain. 

Most of all she
cried in relief, that someone had held her, really held her, because she had no
strength left to hold herself.

Chapter 13

Have I now
become your enemy by telling you the truth? (Galatians 4:16)

And Paulo held
Phoenix in that spot for at least a half hour, letting God speak through him in
that hug.  No words were needed until they were needed.  He didn’t
have to defend God or himself or even Phoenix to herself.  He knew he just
needed to hold this woman and let her know that someone cared.

After her tears
wrung her dry, and she wilted in his arms, he pushed her far enough away to
give her a tender look.  She was sapped beyond her anger, her pride, and
her blame.  She was empty.

Which made it
perfect timing to fill her with God’s truth.

Paulo grabbed
her hands and walked her towards her sofa.  He sat her down and grabbed
the iced tea and helped her take several swallows, as if she were a small
child.  He wiped her eyes with a napkin from the table, then dabbed at her
nostrils.  Feeling that Phoenix was unable to lash out, he smiled. 
“Why is it whenever you see me, you’re crying?  No wonder I can’t find a
wife.”

Phoenix started
to giggle before it dawned on her that Paulo was single.  Her voice was
hoarse as she answered him, “I didn’t see a ring but I wondered if there was
somebody…”

“Why?” Paulo
asked gently, arranging himself next to her, before pulling her into another
hug. 

“Because you’re
a good man…and very…handsome.  So I wondered,” Phoenix answered in the
voice of a six-year-old.

“I see. 
Uh, thank you for the compliment.”  He paused, considering her
words.  Relaxing himself degree by degree, he carefully leaned back. 
He settled her against his chest, instinct from the Spirit leading him beyond
even his own discomfort. 
God,
he pleaded,
where is this
headed?  I want to comfort her and show her Your love, but is this what
she needs?  Is this what
I
need?  I can’t do this again only
to find out I’ve brought her more harm than good.  Is this what You
want?  I don’t want her getting the wrong idea, Father.  I’m supposed
to help her learn about the Gospel and help her achieve her goals, right? 
Father, please, tell me if this is what You want me to do?

As if hearing
his
groanings
and fears, Phoenix lifted her
head.  “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your being a friend to
me.  I am so sorry for again lashing out.  I didn’t realize how much
I just needed, just really needed, someone to hold me.  I know you’re just
being friendly…brotherly, I guess.  But it feels so…good.  It’s what
I needed.
 
I needed it from my mom, she refused, my friends just
made fun of me.  There was no one to just…hold me, you know?  Thank
you, Paulo, so much.  I…” her voice trailed off as her heart filled with
gratitude and peace.  She wrapped her arm around his middle and pressed
her cheek deeper into his chest, as if she could blend into him.

Paulo closed
his eyes to shut off God’s direct confirmation.  He had to because while
he was helping Phoenix, he was fighting himself, refusing to let himself feel
what he was feeling.  The electric pulses that palpitated between them did
not help at all.  But, God, did it feel good when her softness pressed
into the hard places of his chest and the still-hardened places in his
heart.  He swallowed and held on, trying to think of Jesus and how he
would present his Savior to Phoenix.

After several
minutes, Paulo began to feel drained himself.  But he struggled against
the feelings swirling and battling within the depths of his soul.  He was
exhausted, he was afraid, and he was enjoying the feel of the pliant softness
of Phoenix’s round frame a lot more than he should.

He was starting
to care a lot more than he thought he could.

But that was
not the point. 

“Phoenix,” he
said, clearing the thickness out of his throat.  “Honey?  Can I talk
to you?”

“What is it
now, Paulo?” she groaned, even as her heart fluttered from hearing him call her
‘Honey.’  Forcing herself out of the cloud of joy, she prepared for his
words.  She was afraid that the moment she had spent so long yearning for
would be snatched away by more debates about God.  She began to pull away.

“Where are you
going?  Stay right there.  I need this hug-fest just as badly as you,
only I didn’t know it before now.  Don’t go anywhere.  I need you
here, next to me,
Querida
.”

Phoenix’s mouth
went dry.

And just like
that, she fell in love.  She knew it as her heart swelled to bursting and
began to rise inside her and float. 

“For real?”
 she asked with her eyes wide, hopeful.

“You know we’re
friends now, right?”

And just like that,
her heart fell.  She knew it as her heart turned back into stone and
dropped right back into its dead place.

“Phoenix?”

“Um, yeah,
friends, got it.” she murmured.

“And I am
beginning to care a lot about you.  I want you to be happy.  But I
want you to know the truth.  I don’t want to upset you, but I wouldn’t be
a friend to you if I didn’t tell you the truth, God’s honest Truth.”

“Okay…” she
exhaled, struggling to keep the bars of pride from rising up and locking her
mind in an impenetrable fortress.

“So I want you
to hear me out.  If you end up disagreeing with what I say to you, then
fine.  I’ll leave it alone.  Please, just hear me out, okay?”

“Okay,
fine.  It’s the least I can do after what you’ve done for me.”

Paulo’s heart
filled with relief and a desire to ease her pain.  It flowed from his
depths. 
God, speak through me. 
“Phoenix, I know you feel
that God did all of this to you.  And to a certain extent you are right…”

Phoenix’s eyes
blinked rapidly.  “I didn’t expect you to say that.”

“Hear me out,
Sweetie.  God did allow you to go through certain things…may have even
ordered certain things to come about in your life, but believe me, it was for
His purpose and for your good.” 

He held her
close and stroked her shoulder when she tried to move away from him again.

When she
settled against him quietly, he continued.  “Yes, He allowed you to go
through what you’ve gone through…and he made you as you are, but you fail to
realize that you are not ugly in any way.  In God’s eyes, we are all
beautiful to him—”

“Great! 
I’m beautiful in God’s eyes.  Wonderful!  If only I could go out on a
date with God, fall in love with God, and have kids with God.  It’s just
perfect that God would choose to make me beautiful in a way that only
He
would find beautiful.  That helps a lot.  Thanks, God!”

Paulo
chuckled.  “You are beautiful, Phoenix, in your own way.  You just
can’t see it because you don’t see yourself the way God sees you.  More
importantly the Bible tells us that while man thinks about our outward appearance,
God is more concerned with our hearts.”

“And that’s all
well and good, except I was put here to live with
man
.  And
man
doesn’t
bother to know your heart unless he is attracted to your outward
appearance.  Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

“I am not
trying to make you feel better.  I am trying to help you understand the
truth.  Hopefully the truth will help you feel better.”

“Continue.”

“God does not
want you to feel ugly.  Nor does he want you to abuse your body.  It
is supposed to be honored and treated as a temple,
His
temple.  You
can’t blame God for the way you look.  Yes, He may have chosen your skin
tone and the texture of your hair.  He may have designed your body type,
sure.  And in a perfect world, all skin tones, hair textures and body
types would be considered ideal.  But we live in a world that’s full of
evil, selfishness, hatred, and worse, sickness, disease, and death.  The
devil lies to all of us, telling us that we ought to prioritize the wrong
things.  He tells us that we ought to do what we want, treat others how we
want, and live however we want, no matter the cost.  Then, when we end up
in situations it is difficult to get out of, we blame God.”

“I know you’ve
said a lot of this in the park the day we met, but what are you saying
exactly?” Phoenix snapped, as she pulled away again.

Paulo again
pulled her right back to his side.  “I’m saying that you chose this. 
You didn’t choose your skin or body type, but you chose what you did with
them.  You chose not to exercise or eat healthy.  You chose to put
the wrong people before yourself, and worse, before God.  You chose not to
manage and take care of what God has given you, including your body. You chose
to focus on what was wrong with your life rather than being grateful for what
you have.”

“Like
what?  What do I have that I’m supposed to be so grateful for, huh?”

“You have
problems that can be easily fixed, Phoenix.  So many people have to deal
with things they can never overcome without a miracle right from Heaven. 
Thank God you only have issues that can be fixed with a little prayer, hard
work, and dedication.  You may have a few pounds to lose, but isn’t that
better than being born with some disfigurement or handicap?  Thank God for
sparing you from living a life blind or deaf or mute.  How about the fact
that all your limbs are intact?  You complain about your relationship with
your mother, but how about thanking Him for allowing you to have a
mother?  So many don’t even have that!  At least you have a chance to
allow Him to make things right between you both.  You say you fail, but
when He sends you help, you reject it.”

Phoenix rolled
her eyes but remained silent. 

He continued.
“And as far as relationships are concerned, you went looking for love in all of
these different places.  You tried to win it, buy it, earn it, plead for
it, analyze it, and create it.  Did you ever think about accepting love
that is being offered to you, rather than trying to get it from sources that
cannot provide love to you?  You are searching for love from men that only
want to use you, from friends that drain you, and from a mother that does love
you, but is too broken to show you right now.  How about the love God is
ready to show you
right now?”

Phoenix looked
away in a huff.

“He’s not asking
you to buy Him things or pay His bills or solve His problems or look a certain
way before He can love you.  He is simply offering you His love, through
Jesus.  He is offering you a love that He sacrificed to give you, rather
than asking you to sacrifice to receive it.  All He
does
ask you
for is your trust in Him.  To admit you need Him.  To acknowledge
that you believe that He loved you enough to send His Son to die on the
cross.  To believe He can heal all of this brokenness, foolishness, and
selfishness you’ve been living through and contributing to.  That’s what
real love is, Phoenix.  And you’re choosing again to cast it away.”

Phoenix
breathed through the pain his words were causing to rise up within her. 
She didn’t want to lash out, couldn’t even if she wanted to. 

But it just
seemed too easy. 

“Paulo,” she
said, pushing away to look at him.  “I can’t buy this, Man.  It seems
like you have all the answers but I can’t roll with them just like that. 
Yes, I can admit to making horrible choices, and not fighting to achieve the
goals I have for myself.  But again, God allowed it to be hard.  Why
create me to have to fight through my issues?  Why not just spare me these
issues in the first place?”

“I can’t answer
those questions, Phoenix.  God can, if you choose to ask Him.  All I
know is that we have free will.  He gives us a life and has a plan for
it.  If we choose to do things our own way, there are consequences. 
If you do things His way, you are spared many of the painful  struggles
you could avoid.  But like I said, if you accept His love, His mercy, His
gift of salvation now, it’s not too late to allow Him to turn your life
around.”

“And how do I
do that, Paulo?  Repent?  Admit I am a sinner?  Ask Jesus to be
my Lord and Savior?  Yeah, I’ve heard it all before.  Been there,
done that, and got the tee shirt!  I know the drill, but then what?”

“What do you
mean ‘then what?’  What then is that you allow God to take control of your
life.  Your pray and you fight.  You let Him lead you to achieve all
the goals and purposes and plans He has for you.  You give Him your
struggles and wait on Him to help you in His way.”

“And then
what
? 
Go through another failure?  Hmmm?  Admit that even with God’s help,
everything I’ve ever wanted is impossible?  Is that what?”

“Luke 1:37 says
that nothing is impossible with God.”

“The Bible also
says to ask and you shall receive.  If that’s the case, how come my
prayers did nothing to help me, huh?  You don’t think I’ve prayed? 
Begged? Pleaded?  You don’t think I’ve gone to church seeking Him and His
help?”