The Makeover (29 page)

But he deserved
it.  He had grieved the Holy Spirit and he was being commanded to pray.

His heart
resisted, but his mouth submitted.  It opened and Paulo began a prayer in
God’s unknown tongues.

Letting out a
powerful roar, Satan disappeared from the presence of the Lord.

The strange
sounds and groaning tumbling from his lips were led by the Spirit of God, and
Paulo was the vessel through which the Spirit was interceding.  Paulo did
not know if the Spirit was praying to the Father for Phoenix or for
himself.  All he knew was that he could not move under the weight of God’s
Holy Fire.  He could only allow God to have control.

And he prayed
for more than half an hour, right there on his office floor.  He called
out to the Throne of Grace, by the power of the Spirit, until something inside
of him began to rattle and shake.  Images began to fill his head.  In
his own mind, Paulo could see that the Lord was dealing with his anger, and
remnants of bitterness about losing his wife that still lingered in the roots
of Paulo’s soul.  Paulo could see himself trying to help his wife as she
battled for years against a crushing, annihilating manic depression before her
sudden death. 

Paulo had been
quietly raging about not being able to help his wife for almost ten
years.  Only Paulo had not realized it until right then, as the Lord was
interceding on his behalf.  Paulo had once believed he could
help
God
save his wife.  And he had tried.  It was her illness that had led
them both to seek God in the first place, leading to their accepting Christ the
year before her death.  Paulo had believed that the Lord would supernaturally
heal his wife once they had accepted salvation, but when it did not happen
right away, Paulo took matters into his own hands. 

And Paulo, for
the past nine years, had always felt as though he had failed.

The Spirit
allowed Paulo to revisit memories, while He interceded.  Paulo remembered
how he had been just as impatient with his wife when she used to share her own
insecurities and self-loathing, whenever her grandiose manic episodes would
flip into devastating depression.  Instead of comforting her, or
listening, Paulo would try to fix it by giving her a pep talk, getting her to
exercise, or throwing scripture at Elizabeth.  God also allowed Paulo to
comprehend that Phoenix’s thoughts and comments about herself was reminding
Paulo of his wife.

Only Paulo
didn’t know it until right then. 

And he was
pushing Phoenix away because deep down, he was starting to feel strongly about
her.  Although it may not have been based on the physical, he had felt a
strong attraction for Phoenix from the very first day he had seen her, when the
Lord caused him to begin praying on her behalf.  Paulo had decided to
focus on the spiritual issues at hand, rather than exploring his feelings
because they didn’t make much sense.  Even right then, as the feelings
began to take shape, he felt strongly that he could deal with her imperfections
and he could deal with the weight.  But he couldn’t bear the thought of
loving another woman who was too weak to love herself.

And he couldn’t
bear the idea of falling for a woman who had not fallen for God.

And he was
angry that all of this seemed to be happening again, nine years later.

When the Spirit
completed His prayer in tongues, He said,
I never called you to save
anyone.  That is My job.

 Paulo
began to weep.  “Why Lord are You doing this to me?  Why are You
allowing me to be tempted…tested with all this?  I can’t face this,
Lord.  Why are you allowing me to fall for another woman who doesn’t love
herself?  A woman who is so broken?”

My son,
you learned to love yourself because of My love for you.  Show Phoenix My
love, by showing her your love
. 

“I don’t know
if I can deal with this, Father,” Paulo sobbed.  “What if she continues on
like this, consumed with self-hatred?  At least with Liz, it was her
illness doing most of it.  With Phoenix…I don’t know.  She is so
afraid, so broken.  Her self-hatred is like a wall around her mind and
heart and I can’t get through.  What if I let myself love her and lose her
because of it?”

Trust Me,
my Son.  You didn’t trust me for Elizabeth, but you were a spiritual baby
then, still drinking milk.  You have since been eating solid food and are
maturing in your faith.  You can trust Me.  Just have faith. Trust Me
with Phoenix.

“But God, I
thought I was going to help her find You and help her achieve her goals. 
I had no idea You placed her in my path for more…”  Paulo’s words trailed
away as he stretched out on the ground before him, placing his forehead to the
floor.

My son,
My ways are not your ways.  He that finds a wife finds a good thing..
.

“Wife?” Paulo
jumped off the floor.  “Wife?” He began to pace.  “Wife?  God, I
can’t do this again.  I can’t—” he gulped.  “I’ve decided to stay
single, Lord.  I can’t do this again.  Besides, she’s not even saved,
Lord and—”

Whenever I decide to do something through you, I first will
get you from where you are to where I am.

“God, I don’t understand—”

You will, My son.  Just continue to show her My love
by showing her your love.  Be kind and compassionate.  Be salt and
light.  Help her.  Cast your cares unto the Lord and I will renew
your strength.  My will be done.

At the final tone of the Spirit’s words, Paulo surrendered
with the dropping of his shoulders and the shutting of his eyes.  “Okay,
Father.  I give in.  I will trust You for her growth, salvation, and
to take our relationship where You have purposed for it to be.  Thank You,
Lord.”

My son…

“Yes, Father, here I am,” Paulo sighed in relief as the
crushing presence of God began to lessen degree by degree. 

Repent for your behavior
.

Chuckling,
Paulo went back to his knees.  “Father, in the Name of Jesus, I confess my
bitterness, my pride, my fear, and my anger.  I confess being unkind with
Phoenix because of my own issues.  I confess running from You when I could
have dealt with this Your way.  Please forgive me.  I repent and
surrender to your complete control,
again.  
It is not by my
power or  might that I will see the victory both in Phoenix and in myself,
but by the Holy Spirit.  Spirit of God, please give me the grace to love
this woman as You want me to.  Show me how to minister, in word and
action, so that she may accept Christ.  Please send other messengers and
mentors that may spur her to seek You as well.  And Lord, teach me to love
her, even when she is too weak to love herself.  Teach me to love her
enough for the both of us and teach her to love me back.  Teach us both to
love You first and keep You first, no matter the cost.  Thank You for
dealing with my lingering roots of bitterness that I didn’t realize were still
there.  I nail it all right now on the cross, Jesus.  Please lead me
to do Your will for You to bring glory to Your Name through me.  And
please help me to wait on You to bring her to salvation before pursuing her in
an unequally yoked fashion.  In Jesus’ Name, I pray.  Thank you,
Lord.”

And when the
Spirit’s presence receded, Paulo could fully breathe again.  He was
thankful whenever the Lord, in His mercy, felt the need to bear down upon him
in that way.  But it was terrifying to experience the presence of God in
that way, too.  He sighed as he got off the floor.  He chuckled at
the idea that he could actually avoid God.

“Yeah right,”
Paulo chuckled.  “Who do I think I am, believing I could get away with it
so easily?  And I was so mean to her.  Man!”

He considered
calling Phoenix but knew she was at work, so he decided to let the Spirit lead.

“Father, I want
to speak to her before our session tomorrow.  I owe her an apology and
some type of explanation.  Please lay it on my heart when to call or stop
by and what to say when I do.  Give me the wisdom and the prompt regarding
when to share my own experiences with her.  Thanks, Lord.  In Jesus
Name.”

Feeling at
least a hundred pounds lighter, Paulo left his office to pick up lunch since
his breakfast had been God’s solid food.

Phoenix had a
pretty uneventful day at work, finishing her fieldwork appointments by
noon.  She had rescheduled the last two for the following day because,
frankly, it became too unbearable to deal with her miserable, psychotic clients
when her own situation was a mess.  She knew it was better to deal with
someone’s mental health problems when she wasn’t being choked by her own.

She couldn’t
get over Paulo’s funky attitude that morning.

She emailed her
professor regarding her absence from that evening’s class, as well as the
assignment that was due.  As she thought about what went wrong, she’d had
a nourishing meal of turkey breast, low-fat cheddar, and raw spinach—all
organic—on seven-grain flatbread.  She enjoyed her glass of water with
lemon and ate grapes to fill that little space in her stomach that was normally
resolved for her after-lunch Snicker’s bar.  She felt good as she recorded
her meal in her new food diary that Paulo’s manual recommended.

She watched a
Property
Virgins
marathon on HGTV  for a few hours before she got ready to go
to Cara’s, thinking about all of the wonderful outfits her stylish new friend
would put together for her.

But then the
doorbell rang.

Hoping it was
Paulo, coming to give her an apology, she rushed to open it without asking who
it was.

And who it was
stood, at her door smirking.

“What in the
world do you want, Cedric?” she snarled.  “Matter of fact, I don’t
care.”  She tried to slam the door in his face.

Cedric placed
his foot in the way.  “Come on, Girl.  I know we ended things but I
just came to check on you.  Let me in.  Come on, don’t be like that.”

Phoenix tried
to push the door with all of her might, but what was a few days of working out
really supposed to do?  Without effort, Cedric pushed open the door,
almost knocking Phoenix to the floor.  He reached out to grab her arm to
steady her, but Phoenix snatched away.  “Don’t touch me!” she shouted, her
voice echoing down the hallway.

Cedric shrugged,
“Hey I was trying to help you out.  My bad.”

“What do you
want, Cedric?  Where is your little slut?”

Cedric walked
past Phoenix, letting his arm brush her as he did.  She hated herself for
the involuntary shudder she felt when his skin touched hers. 

“She’s at
school.  Why?  You want to invite her for a girl’s night out or
something?” Cedric sneered.

“Look,” Phoenix
yelled from her open doorway.  “I am about to leave here in a
minute.  I don’t have time for this mess.  What do you want, Cedric?

But Cedric had
already made himself comfortable on her sofa and was already flipping channels
with her remote.

“Are you
kidding me right now?” Phoenix yelled, slamming her door and marching into the
living room.  “Listen, what are you doing here?  I am leaving in a
few and—”

“Where you
going?  To meet ole boy?” Cedric tried to make it seem as if he couldn’t
care less, but Phoenix knew he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t.

“Maybe. 
Why, you want to invite him to a guy’s night out or something?”

“Well you never
know, Fe.  Maybe we’ll do the double date thing.”

Phoenix lowered
her head and walked over to her armchair, dropping down slowly in defeat. 
“Cedric, I really, really can’t do this right now.  Why did you come
here?  I only have a few minutes.”

“Like I said, I
came by to check on you,” Cedric answered, with eyes now glued to ESPN.

“And why would
you do that?” Phoenix, now curious, kept staring at him.

“Because,
believe it or not, I
do
care about you.”

Phoenix
snorted.  “Well, if that is called caring, stop caring please.  Your
type of care could land me in a grave.”

Cedric
guffawed.  “Now that wasn’t nice.”

“Listen to
me.  I don’t want to be friends with you.  You hurt me and you are
now with the girl you cheated on me with in my home.  I don’t want to
pretend like we’re cool ‘cause we are not.  I actually
hate
you.”

“Yeah, okay,”
Cedric snapped, clicking off the television.  “You hate me, huh?  Why
‘cause you found someone new?”

Phoenix thought
about the way she felt in Paulo’s arms.  “Exactly,” she answered, with a
smug look in her eyes.

“So how long
you know this cat anyway?” Cedric’s eyes narrowed.

“None of your
business.  I stopped answering your questions the day you stopped living
here.”  She jumped up to head to her bedroom.  “I am leaving in one
minute so you better be gone.”

She changed
clothes and grabbed a large bag to take to Cara’s in case she had a lot to
carry.

When she
returned, Cedric was standing by the window.  “So you happy, Phoenix?”

“Absolutely,”
she laughed.  “Why would you even care?”

“I just want to
make sure the dude isn’t taking advantage of you.  He’s a nice-looking
dude, even though I ain’t into dudes, and I was wondering what this guy was
doing with
you.”

Phoenix
gasped.  “What are you saying?”

“I mean, after
we saw each other at the café?  I couldn’t stop thinking about how you met
this guy.  Like I said, he didn’t seem to be at your…level.  So I got
worried about you.  I hoped Dude wasn’t trying to use you or something.”

Phoenix stared at
the man she had once loved with a blinding, white-hot fire that threatened to
tear her heart in two.  She began to tremble as she shouted, “Are you
serious?  You’re telling me you’re worried about me because Paulo is
handsome and you’re worried that he is using me?  You come in here in my
face and say this after you used me to almost two years?  Are you out of
your fu—”