The Makeover (40 page)

Even though she
had no idea why she felt the need to keep fighting.

And more
frequently than anything else, Paulo would pray for Phoenix to return fully to
the Lord and for the Lord to remove whatever was still holding her back.

And after each time
Paulo prayed those
worfs
, Phoenix had to bite her lip
to prevent herself from blurting out the truth—that she was planning to come
back and rededicate her life, but could not do it until she took care of
something first.  Once she took care of her plan to make Cedric pay, she
would be free—free to love God, free to love Paulo, free to love herself, and
free to live her new life.

She continued
to work out with Paulo five days a week at his fitness center and make Saturday
mornings their day to walk-jog at their park.  Saturday afternoons were
spent in their one-on-one Bible study.  Saturday evenings were saved for
more romantic evenings filled with long conversations, laughter, cuddles, and
kisses.  Saturday nights were saved for each of them to have their time
alone, yearning, missing each other, while reliving the time they had spent
during the week.

Phoenix had
lost a total of twenty pounds and several inches off her thick waist.  Her
clothes fit her better and her new lifestyle was making her skin healthier.
 She went from a size sixteen to a twelve—sometimes ten!— and was feeling
more attractive and confident than ever. 

Each week when
Paulo weighed and measured Phoenix, and she realized that she had lost another
pound or inch, she would hug him and shout, “I’m finally becoming beautiful!”

And without
missing a beat, Paulo would say, “You were always beautiful.”

And she would
fall in love with him a little more with each word.

And as their
friendship grew, their love grew, expanding with each new realm they achieved,
contracting with each new challenge that tested them, only to have their bond
grow  even stronger than before, when they overcame it.  As they
learned each other, pushed each other, held each other, enjoyed each other, and
prayed for each other, they began to realize that they were made for each
other.

  
After another two glorious weeks spending time together, they attended church
again on a Tuesday night.  It had been a total of ten weeks since the
first time attending church.  When Paulo and Phoenix left the mid-week
service, they found a mild late-November evening awaiting them. 

Paulo decided
to take Phoenix to her favorite restaurant in Harlem, Dinosaur Barbeque.
 Paulo felt it was time for a celebration, because that morning, Phoenix
had discovered she had lost another five pounds.  Paulo believed in
rewarding Phoenix for every achievement she made that was a building block to
her ultimate goal.

And for
Phoenix, the ultimate celebration was to be rewarded with whatever food she
wanted, even if it was just for one night.

So over thick
cut slabs of barbecued ribs, sliced brisket, macaroni and cheese, baked beans,
and mayonnaise-drenched carrot and raisin salad, Paulo held up his glass of
(diet) orange soda.  “To twenty-five pounds down!”

Phoenix giggled
and pushed her regular soda against his.  “To thirty-five pounds to go!”

Paulo waved his
hand.  “That will be a breeze compared to what you’ve been through,
Baby.  I am so in love with you.”

And they froze.

Phoenix dropped
the cup of soda that drenched parts of their table, some of the food, his
shirt, and her neck.  “What did you say?”

Paulo was
stunned that he had blurted the truth the way he had.  She was still
wavering about returning to Christ.  And he certainly had not planned to
share this news like this, over ribs and soda, in a college hang out.

But he had.

So after
allowing the shock and dismay to wear off, he allowed the joy and relief to set
in.  “I said, I am so in love with you.  I think I fell in love with
you right from the beginning, Phoenix.  I love you with all my heart.”

Phoenix
struggled to see Paulo’s eyes, but they blurred in the river of tears flowing
down her cheeks.  Instead she focused on using a napkin to clean up the
soda that was now everywhere.  She struggled to speak but could not. 
She could not believe that God had loved her enough to send a handsome, kind,
successful, spiritual man like Paulo to love her.  She couldn’t believe
all of the blessings in her life.  And she knew, in her heart, that she
didn’t deserve God or Paulo.  Not yet anyway.  She was filled with a
dangerous need that she just couldn’t let go of, no matter how much God worked
in her spirit and Paulo worked on her heart. 

Why can’t I
just let the past go?
She cried silently. 
I can’t tell him how I
feel about him.  It wouldn’t be fair unless I solve this issue first.

Paulo watched
Phoenix as she cried.  He didn’t know if he should reach over to hold her
or let her experience her tears.  He eagerly awaited Phoenix to speak when
she was ready.  He couldn’t wait to hear her say the words he had been
longing for her to say.

“I—” Phoenix
faltered. 
I love you, Paulo,
the words tried in vain to push past
Phoenix’s clenched teeth.
 

Paulo leaned
forward eagerly.  Oh, how he would be full with those words!

But after
Phoenix’s tears had dried, the words did not come.

The light in
Paulo’s eyes faded away as he struggled against disappointment.  He
believed with every word, look, kiss, touch, and smile that Phoenix felt the
same exact way. 

So why hadn’t she
responded? 

Phoenix,
however, chose to stare down so hard at her ribs, that someone watching would
have thought she had never seen a rib before.

Why doesn’t
she say something, God?
Paulo thought frantically. 
Am I wrong in
believing she feels the same way?  Is she scared?  What’s holding her
back?

An image of her
crying in the park, telling her what Cedric had done to her, formed in his
mind’s eye.

No
way.  After all this time, I don’t think she’s still holding on to Cedric,
is she?  Does she still love him?

Paulo’s eyes
narrowed.  No way would he go through this again.  He couldn’t bear
to love another woman that could not love him the way he needed.  No way
could he go through losing another woman with whom he wanted to spend his life.

God, You
wouldn’t put her into my life, and allow these feelings to grow, if You were
going to take her away, would You?

But the Lord
did not answer that time.

Phoenix
continued to stare at her plate, methodically picking at the ribs that had lost
their appeal.

Lord,
Paulo
prayed,
please don’t let me continue to love her if You’re not going to
allow me to have her.  I know she has yet to return to You.  Is that
what is holding her back?  Please, Lord, remove all obstacles keeping her
from You.  And when You’re ready, please remove all obstacles keeping her
from me.  You told me she would be my wife, didn’t You?

But the Lord
did not answer that time either.

But from His
place on the throne, God commanded the test to begin.

And the Holy
Spirit moved, commanding the Spirit of Truth to descend upon them.

And Satan
walked right to their table and began to command his army to throw up a wall
blocking their communication.  Fear came and began to whisper to
Paulo.  Bitterness came to remind Phoenix of her plans for revenge. 
Pride touched both of them.

And as the
angels of darkness drew their swords, the angels of Light drew theirs.

The Spirit
watched and moved Paulo to pray.

Paulo excused
himself from a silent, stoic Phoenix and rushed to the restroom.  Every
nerve of his body was tingling and every inch of his stomach was
churning.  He had to get to the bathroom.

Locking himself
into a stall, Paulo remained silent for a moment, getting his bearings. 
Something had happened.  What, he had no idea.  Had he angered God
for professing his love to a woman who had walked away and still had yet to
return to His Kingdom?  Wasn’t God married to the backslider? 
Technically, they were at different places spiritually, but wasn’t Phoenix on
her way back to the Lord?

He wanted to
pray but was afraid.  What if he discovered that what he had believed was
false?  Could he bear another disappointment with a woman he loved?

As the Spirit
nudged Paulo to pray, Fear whispered to Paulo about his deceased wife. 
Thoughts began to form and plant roots in his mind, stretching and connecting
to the roots that had lain hidden in his heart.  Paulo remembered that the
wife that he had prayed for, and longed for, and fought for, had committed
suicide while he was out talking to the very God that took her.

Who was to say
that God wouldn’t take Phoenix away while he prayed for her, just as He had
chosen to do with Elizabeth?

I am
here, My son.  Cast your burdens unto Me and I will sustain you.  I
never let the righteous fall…

The famous
words of Psalm 55:22 pounded against Paulo’s raging mind.

But Fear and
Pride spoke into his heart.

The Spirit
continued to nudge Paulo, urging him to pray.

“Father…” Paulo
began.

Then the demon
named Unbelief stepped in and decided to help.

Did God help
your wife?  Why should you believe that He will help Phoenix?  You’ve
prayed enough.  Now it’s time for you to protect yourself before you get
hurt again. 

“No,” Paulo
whispered, swallowing his tears.  “No.  God has always…”

Always disappointed
you when it came to love.  For some reason, He has given you all that you
can ask for—He gave you a business, the blessing of doing what you love and
being successful at it.  You own your own building and your dream
car.  You are in the best health in your life.  But for some reason,
God won’t give you the most important desire in your heart…

“Love,” Paulo
said.  “I’ve never been blessed with love from a woman that could be my
wife.” 

Pride stepped
in. 
What more can you do for God to bless your relationship? 
You’ve sacrificed your time, energy, finances, and given all that you
could.  You’ve done enough praying.  God is either going to answer or
not.  If He wants Phoenix to be with you, He has to handle it.  You
have nothing more to give.

So in anger,
Paulo left the stall.

The Holy Spirit
was grieving as He watched His son leave.

Watching
Phoenix at the table with her head down, Paulo wanted to storm over to her and
demand to know what her problem was.  As Pride manipulated Paulo’s heart, he
raged.  He had done all that he could for her.  He had treated her
like a queen.  He had helped her with her weight problems and bought her
things she could not afford to buy herself.  He had romanced her in every
possible way and still respected her space.  He had been the perfect
gentleman.  What more could he do?  How dare she not appreciate him
for who he was and what he had done?

How could she
continue to pine away after the man who had broken her heart?

Walking slowly
to the table, Paulo struggled to slake the fires that were building in his
heart, knowing that his wounded self-esteem could cause his tongue to set his
life on fire.  He sat down in silence and waited.

And when she
looked up at his with her beautiful brown eyes, red-rimmed with unshed tears,
that same raging heart threatened to break in two.

Pride struggled
to shout at Paulo, but his mind was trapped in Phoenix’s beautiful eyes. 
She looked so innocent and fearful, like a small child who had been warned by
her daddy not to play with a priceless heirloom, only to do so, and break
it.  Her look was expectant as though she were waiting for her punishment.

Paulo longed to
reach out to her but his hand felt like there was a ten-ton boulder sitting on
top of it.  He stared at her as she stared at him.  Knowing there was
no way to restore what had been stolen from them on this night, he closed his
eyes and finally turned to the Lord.

Father,
Paulo
prayed, as Phoenix continued to look on,
I need You now.  I feel
horrible right now, Lord.  I feel like something is happening and I have
no control over it.  I just told her I loved her and she didn’t even
respond.  I am so angry because I feel rejected.  I asked You if I
was wrong about her and You didn’t choose to answer.  I am so confused and
I don’t know how I got here, because everything was going beautifully, until I
decided to open my big mouth about my feelings.  Is this because we are
unequally yoked?  I thought since she was being called that you were also
preparing her for me.  Was I wrong in pursuing this?  I don’t have
the answers and I don’t want to continue jumping to conclusions.  I am
asking You, Lord, to step in.  I am praying You have Your way
tonight.  Let the truth come forward and let Your will be done between
us.  Regardless of our relationship, Lord, I ask for Phoenix to return and
rededicate her life to You.
 
I ask that You heal her heart of her
pain and please heal me of the anger I still feel about Liz.  Forgive me
for my sins and Phoenix for hers.  I love You, even when I can’t get my
way.  In Jesus Name, I pray, Amen.  Oh, and thanks, God.

When he looked
back up, Phoenix gave a weak smile.  “You done?”

“Done what?”
Paulo asked as he picked up a cold rib from his plate.

“Praying”
Phoenix answered, as she also picked up a rib and bit into its cold meat.

“Not even
close, I guess,” Paulo answered.  He wanted to reach out to hold her free
hand but felt awkward even thinking about it.

“What were you
praying about?” Phoenix asked, desperate to reach out to him, but suddenly
feeling out of sorts.