The Makeover (42 page)

They had no
idea that the battle was not over. 

Paulo finally
asked, in a tearful voice, “And please, God, turn whatever had been meant for
evil around for our good, in
Jesus’s
Name.”

Chapter 23

You may
think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no
excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning
yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things (Romans 2:1)

“Sweet Lord,”
Phoenix breathed, shuddering, as she dried her tears.  When she got her
bearings again, several minutes later, she whispered, “I can’t believe all
that, Paulo.  I just can’t believe you said all that to me.  I know
you couldn’t have possibly loved me with my being so…”

Paulo, whose
own eyes were puffed up and filled with regret, grabbed her hands. 
“Phoenix, listen to me.  I am in so very much in love with you.  I
am.  I love you, Baby—”

Phoenix
continued to shake her head.  “No you don’t ‘cause—”

Paulo held her
cheeks with both his hands and forced her to look deep into his golden
eyes.  “Baby, I am in love with you.  And I am sorry.  I know I
can’t take it back, or excuse my tone.  I am sorry for being disrespectful
to you in my anger and the way I spoke to you.  I am sorry and I love
you.  But please, realize that there was some truth to what I said.”

“Oh, you mean
about my being weak? Or was it when you said that you’re sick of weak women who
are stubborn and mess things up?” Phoenix retorted with narrowed eyes.

Ruefully, Paulo
nodded as he looked away.  “I am not trying to be judgmental or lash out
at you.  I don’t have any excuse for what I said or how I said it. 
My bad temper still gets the best of me when I am pushed too far.  I am
not perfect.  All I know that we need to clear the air here, before we tear
our…whatever this is apart.  First, I have to ask.  Will you please
forgive me for hurting you?”

Phoenix
searched his eyes and waited for some instinct to kick in.  Should she
trust him?  Hadn’t people hurt her before and apologized, only to turn
around and do it again?  She was sick of the
hurt-Phoenix-then-apologize-then-hurt-Phoenix-again cycle she always found
herself locked into whenever she opened her heart to someone.  She looked
away, refusing to answer.

He turned her
face back to his with a finger under her chin.  “Phoenix, I said I was
sorry.  Please forgive me for how I spoke to you.  Will you, Baby?”

Her heart
melted as she looked into his tender eyes. 
Someone should outlaw that
word as a weapon of mass destruction.  How many women have been destroyed
behind that word?

“Baby?” Paulo
leaned forward until his forehead touched hers.  His eyes, now a
greenish-blue, bore down on hers.  “Please?”

Phoenix sucked
her teeth and pulled away.  “But why?  Why did you treat me like
that?  Even before we argued in the car, you were being shady with me in
the restaurant.  What happened?”

Paulo
sighed.  “I apologized Phoenix, what else do you want?”

“I want you to
tell me what happened.  Be honest with me,” Phoenix stood up.

“I want you to
be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you.”  Paulo followed her and
wrapped his arms around her from behind, kissing her earlobe and the spot
behind her ear.  She leaned against him, immediately filled with a
yearning that filled every part of her with liquid warmth.  She turned to
kiss him, deepening the kiss until they were both aching with dangerous need.

“No,” Paulo
breathed, stepping back from Phoenix.  “We’ve already gotten into trouble
tonight.  We don’t need more.  Please sit with me and
talk
to
me.”

In spite of her
ill feelings, Phoenix was still trembling with a fire she could not
quench.  It would have been easier if he just made out with her.  She
would have felt better.  She wasn’t used to talking things out in her
relationships.  She wasn’t used to receiving an apology when she was
hurt.  She was used to being ignored or being given grudging intimacy to
shut her up.  She never once actually resolved things with Cedric whenever
they’d had conflict.  After confronting Cedric about his actions, Phoenix
would be filled with such fear that he would leave her, that she would quickly
back down, or try to initiate intimacy to make up with him.  Cedric would
go along with the intimacy, acting as though he was doing Phoenix a
favor.  And she would be so grateful for his attentions, that she would
forget all about the thing he had done to hurt her in the first place. 
She never had a man care that he had hurt her before.  She never felt she
had the right to draw the lines of boundaries in her previous relationships. 
What right did she have to demand respect when they were giving her a chance in
the first place? She realized then, with a renewed hope, that perhaps Paulo did
actually love her.  Maybe she was actually experiencing a love that she,
as a woman, did not have to work so hard for.  Phoenix understood that it
wasn’t always going to be easy, but maybe she didn’t have to sell her soul to
get it or keep it.

She now
understood the difference between her past relationships and one led by God.

Paulo stood, waiting
for Phoenix to decide to sit and talk to him.  He was nervous.  He’d
never had a committed relationship with a woman who had the mental capacity to
discuss the difficult things.  Sure they had a horrible argument, but
Phoenix was in her right mind.  There was no paranoia, mood swings, fear
of long-term depression, or suicidal thoughts to contend with.  He did
have to watch her feelings and respect her, but he didn’t have to fear pushing
Phoenix over the edge.  In spite of her frailties, Phoenix was strong
enough to handle difficult conflict.  Of course, Paulo knew that he did
still have to be delivered from his fiery temper and would spend more time in
prayer and fasting about it.  However, he’d never before experienced
intense communication, with a woman he loved, that allowed issues to be
resolved through discussion, rather than hospitalization.

She reluctantly
sat on one corner of the couch as he took his place on the other.  “What
do you want me to be honest about?” she asked finally.

Paulo closed
his eyes as the humiliation he felt earlier washed over him.  It took
everything in him to shut out the voices telling him he was a fool, that he was
begging for her love, and that he should not have to beg for something in
return that he had given freely.  He struggled against his pride. 
Father,
help me to speak from my heart and not worry about my ego.

“Paulo, what is
it?” Phoenix snapped.  “I’m over these dramatic pauses already!”

Paulo’s eyes
snapped open.

“See!” Paulo
jumped up.  “That’s what I’m saying.  You want to rile up the
situation and then get upset when you
receive the response you were
searching for.  Why are you talking to me like that?  Don’t talk to
me that way.  I am trying to figure out how to open up to you and you give
me sarcasm.  I am struggling with my own temper and you keep igniting
it.  Don’t do it, if you don’t want to get burned, Phoenix!”

“No,
you
don’t
play with fire if you want to avoid an explosion!  I have had people
taking advantage of my kindness all of my life.  I am not about to let it
happen again with you.  I know you probably feel I should be grateful that
someone like you took such a liking to me, for whatever reason, but I am not
going to go there with you.  You don’t get to treat me like crap just because
you are so attractive, while I wasn’t, and you gave me a chance.  I may
owe you for helping me out, but I am not going to owe you for wanting to date
me.  I may not look like much but I have a lot to offer in here!” Phoenix
said, jabbing at the place over her heart.  “And in here!”  She
jabbed at her temple.  “And I am not going to let you treat me however you
want just because you’re handsome and—”

Paulo stared at
Phoenix.  “What are you talking about?  What are in the world are you
insinuating?  Listen to me.  I am not Cedric, okay?  I have
never held your weight against you or your looks.  I never mistreated you
because of how you look.  I liked you right away.  The only thing I
felt was that you needed to be healthy and feel good about yourself.  I
never held how you looked against you.  You did enough of that on your own
anyway.”

“What is that
supposed to mean?” Phoenix shouted.  “You are no different than
Cedric.  Why else would you say what you said about being sick of weak
women?”

Paulo ran his
hand through his hair, throwing his curls in various directions.  “I have
no idea what’s going on here, but we both need to calm down.  I asked you
to forgive me for what I said.  I am sorry.  Clearly things are still
troubling me about my past.  And clearly things are still troubling you
about your own past!”  Paulo struggled to lower his voice.  “I guess
that’s why you didn’t say anything when I told you that I am in love with you.
You just ignored me and I felt like such a fool.  I lashed out at you because
I didn’t understand how I could open myself up to you so much, and try so hard
to win your heart—”

Phoenix gasped.
“
Win
my heart?  Why would you feel you need to
win my heart?  I mean, look at me and look at you!”

Paulo threw up
his hands.  “Why are you still saying that stuff?  This doesn’t have
anything to do with our looks!  When are you going to figure that
out?  First of all, you are beautiful.  You needed to lose some
weight.  So what?  Big deal!  You act like you had a tree branch
growing out of your back. Come on!  I’m decent looking, I guess, but you
act like I am a god or something.  I am not God, a god, or even all that
good.  God has done a lot of work on me and I am still not where I need to
be as a Christian or as a man.  I have a horrible temper—still after
walking with Christ for years!  I literally have to speak scriptures to it
all day just walking through the streets of New York City.  I have a pride
thing going on too.  It’s hard for me to relinquish control.  After
nine years of celibacy, I can also be overcome with lust, which is why it is
time for me to get married and…”

When Phoenix’s
eyes got so wide they looked like they would fall out of her head, he
paused.  “Never mind the lust thing.  My point is that I have lots of
flaws.  And each time God reveals and heals a flaw, He exposes another
one.  And I do have tons of physical flaws as well.  I have the
ugliest feet that anyone—”

Phoenix
snorted.  “Feet?  Really?”

Paulo laughed,
removed his shoe and sock, and pointed.  “See!  They look like boulders
with toe carvings in them.  I ran the jungles of Brazil barefoot for
years.  My mother was too poor to always get me shoes that fit, and I was
an athlete as a teen here, plus I run now.  No matter how many pedicures
I’ve had, they are just ugly.” 

Phoenix giggled
as Paulo put on his sock and shoe.  “Yeah, they look like you’ve been
kicking rocks.  Wow, was that a bunion I saw?  And I think one of
your toe nails is dead, Man.”

“I know. 
And as a man, I think my butt is too round because—”

Phoenix swallowed. 
“Uh uh. 
That
thing is just fine, ask any girl out there.”

 “And—”
Paulo hid a grin as he bent down and pointed at his hairline.  “I was
balding before.  After my wife died, my hairline was suddenly at the back
of my neck!  I went and joined one of those hair clubs for men!”

Phoenix covered
her mouth with her hands.  “You’re a client of one of those places?”

Paulo nodded,
with wide eyes.  “Yes!  Cara dragged me to one of their offices
kicking and screaming.  I went through several sessions for hair transplants. 
Cost me thousands.”

“Really?”

Paulo nodded
again.  “It’s my own hair.  Feels natural, doesn’t it?”

“I had no
idea,” Phoenix said, running her hands through his curls.

“And my skin is
prone to breakouts as well.  I used to get these horrendous razor bumps
that turned red.  I had to wear a beard for years.  Cara also
convinced me to see a dermatologist and to have facials every week.  
I stopped using my own razor and see a barber every couple days to shave, which
is why I am not clean-shaven today.  Now my skin is clear.  But you
should have seen the mess!  Women wouldn’t even look at my face when
speaking to me.  They spoke to my neck or shoulder.  It was
horrible.  Some of us have to work hard to look our best, Phoenix. 
It’s not just you.  It’s just that we have to take care of the bodies God
gave us.”

Phoenix knew he
had been large in a former life, but it was still difficult to picture the
lesser attractive Paulo with his additional flaws.  As she watched this
tall, muscular, smooth-skinned, golden-hued man, she wrinkled her nose and
figured he had to be lying.

“You’ve already
seen how large I allowed myself to become, so I understand struggles with
weight.  How can I judge anyone for their flaws when I have so many of my
own?  I am not perfect.  I am perfectly Paulo because it’s how God
chose to make me.”  Paulo touched Phoenix’s cheek.  “That’s why I get
so frustrated when you put yourself down, like you’re some piece of garbage
that I need to scrape off my shoe.  The physical things you wanted to
change were easy.  You’ve already changed about eighty percent of it.”

Phoenix
sighed.  “But I am nowhere near—”

“Just stop
it.  If you want to focus on not being near something, then focus on
this:  Why haven’t you gotten closer to God?  You once gave your life
to Him and backslid.  Fine.  I get it.  It happens.  And I
am not asking because I want you to get saved for me.  I am asking because
I am a Christian and I am called to share the truth with you.  Why are you
wasting time?  You have been coming to church for several weeks, praying
with me daily, coming to the Bible studies.  Yet, each time you feel led
to return to him, you stop yourself.”