The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (131 page)

Bill and Doris were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly plunged into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Doris promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Bill out. When the head of hospital became aware of this heroic act, she immediately ordered Doris to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to inform Doris of her decision, she said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged. As you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news, unfortunately, is that Bill, whose life you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt, right after you rescued him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

“That’s sad,” said Doris. “But he didn’t hang himself – I put him there to dry. When can I go home?”

Why do Mexicans eat burritos at Christmas?

So they have something to unwrap.

What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawn mower? Unemployed.

What do you call a Mexican who can swim?

A Texan.

What did Jesus say to the Mexicans?

“Don’t do anything until I come back.”

What are the frst words in a Mexican cookbook?

Steal a chicken.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila.

Three mice are sitting at a bar drinking. The first mouse puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, “I’m hard, me. You know how hard I am? Well, you know that poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast, lunch and dinner!”

The second mouse looks unimpressed and says, “That’s nothing. You know those big fucking mousetraps they got all over the place? Well, I jump in and out of them for fun. That’s how hard I am!”

The third mouse knocks back his drink and heads for the door.

“Where are you going?” asks the first mouse.

He replies: “See you guys later. I’m off home to shag the cat.”

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because very few of them know how to dance.

Why haven’t scientists find a cure for AIDS yet?