The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (149 page)

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

What’s the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What is the biggest drawback for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

Norman is admitted to an old folks’ home. He’s very lonely, so he goes in search of a friend. After wandering around for a few days, he meets Madge and they strike up a friendship. Every day they meet at the swimming pool and chat, just passing the time of day. One day Norman says “Do you know what I miss the most about youth, Madge?”

“No Norm, what?” she replies.

“Sex,” he says.

“Oh, you randy old goat!” she shrieks.

“No, not like that, Madge. I just wish sometimes that somebody would take my old chap out and hold it.”

Madge doesn’t think it can do any harm, so out it comes. This continues for a week or so, nothing erotic, just gentle holding. One day Madge turns up to find that Norman is missing. Fearing the worst, she searches the old folks’ home before finally finding him at the back of the shed shagging another old woman.

“Norman!” she sobs. “What’s going on? What is it that she’s got that I haven’t?”

Norman replies, “Parkinson’s.”

Doctors have found a cure for swine fu. They inject you with Parkinson’s and you should be able to shake it off in a week.

I’ve always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali’s hand. Unfortunately Parkinson’s beat me to it.

Who is James Bond’s favourite bartender?

Michael J. Fox.

Which is worse - Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

Alzheimer’s - it is much better to lose half a pint than to forget where you left it.

What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?