The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (73 page)

A hummusexual.

What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?

Crust.

Have you tried the new German–Chinese fusion cuisine?

The food is okay, but an hour later you’re hungry for power.

A small frog goes to see a fortune teller. The medium tells the frog: “You are soon going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog replies, “That’s brilliant. When will I meet her and where? In a bar? At a party?”

“No,” the fortune teller replies. “Next term, in her biology class.”

A princess is skipping alongside a pond in the royal gardens when she spied a really ugly frog. Being a very simple princess, she picked the frog up anyway and immediately recoils at the unfortunate creature’s totally hideous appearance.

“My!” said the princess. “You really are a very ugly frog!”

“I know, I know,” replied the frog. “I got a really bad spell cast on me.”

“Well, I’ve seen frogs with spells, but never one as ugly as you,” said the princess.

“Yeah, yeah, well, it’s like I said,” explained the frog, “this was a really, really bad spell.”

“Nevertheless,” replied the princess, “I will kiss you, and you will turn into a prince.”

“As you wish,” replied the frog. “However, I’m afraid it is not going to be quite as simple as that. I’m afraid a spell this bad will almost certainly require a blow job.”

A man walks into a bar. “Hey, barman, I’m a bit strapped for cash. If I show you something truly amazing, will you give me a free beer?”

“Everybody tries that one on and I’ve seen it all,” says the barman. “But you’re certainly welcome to try me.”

The man reaches in his pocket and takes out a frog and a tiny piano and sets them on the bar. The frog begins to play the piano so beautifully that it brings a tear to the barman’s eye.

“I have to admit, that was pretty amazing,” says the barman, wiping his eye. “Here’s your free beer.”

A few minutes pass, and the man finishes the beer while the frog continues to play.

“Barman, I could use another beer. If I show you something even more amazing, can I drink for free all night?”

“You’re pushing your luck,” says the barman. “This had better be good.”

The man takes a hamster from his pocket, sets it next to the piano, and it begins to sing while the frog plays the piano!

“Well, bugger me, that’s a hell of a show,” says the barman. “You can drink all night for free.”

Meanwhile, another customer sidles up and sits next to him.

“Say, pal,” he says. “I’ll give you fifty quid for that there hamster.”

“Sure, it’s a deal,” he replies.

The money changes hands and the customer leaves with the hamster.

The barman says: “Are you mad? You just sold a singing hamster for fifty quid. You could have a lifetime of free beer with that thing!”

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” says the man. “The frog is a ventriloquist.”

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

“Christ, we really do taste like chicken.”

What’s green and red and goes round and round and round?

A frog in a blender.

A buxom brunette goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the shop, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: “Sex Frogs – complete with instruction manual, only £20 each. Money Back Guarantee!”