The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (156 page)

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy.”

What’s the difference between paedophiles and politicians?

Politicians don’t keep pictures of the little people they fuck.

What do politicians use for birth control?

Their personalities.

A man gets stuck in traffc near Parliament. He asks a police officer what the hold-up is, and is told: “The prime minister is so depressed about the UK’s debt that he’s stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself alight.”

“What are you going to do?” asks the man.

“We’re putting together a collection for him,” says the officer.

“How much have you got?” asks the man.

“About forty gallons,” says the officer.

When politicians die, why are they buried in a hole thirty-six feet deep?

Because deep down, they are all nice people.

What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What’s the difference between an MP and a bucket of dirt?

The bucket.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Dad, what is politics?”

His dad replies, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she takes care of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has filled his nappy, he goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand politics now.”

The father says, “Well done, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”

A politician dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, St Peter takes one look at him and says, “Sorry, no politicians allowed in Heaven.”

The MP pleads that he’s a good bloke who’s done lots of good work.

“Oh yeah? Like what, for example?” asks St Peter.

The MP says, “Why, just last week I gave £20 to Children In Need, £30 to Help The Aged and £50 to Comic Relief.”

St Peter thinks for a while then says, “Wait here.”

He goes inside for a while, then comes back. “Sorry mate, I’ve had a word with God. He says, ‘Here’s your £100 back, now fuck off!’”

The Pope falls seriously ill and all the cardinals are very worried. They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing helips. Eventually one of the cardinals says: “There is only one doctor left that we haven’t tried, he is the best in all Italy.”