The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (157 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says: “I have good news and bad news, the Holy Father has cancer of the testicles, but the good news is he can be cured, all he needs to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman.”
The cardinals recoil in shock. Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the Holy Father and therefore must remain celibate. Unfortunately, there is no other way, so one of the cardinals approaches the Pope and explains the situation. “Holy Father, you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman.”
The Pope ponders this for a moment, then declares, “Ok, I’ll do it, but on three conditions.”
“Okay,” says the cardinal. “What are the conditions?”
“One, the woman must be blind, so she will never know who she made love with.”
“Okay, your Holiness, what next?”
“Two, the woman must be dumb, so if she ever realizes who she made love to, she will not be able to tell.”
“Certainly, your Holiness. And the third condition?”
“She has to have big tits.”
A man is at the barber’s having his hair trimmed by Italian Tony. He mentions to the barber that he’s shortly going on holiday to Italy with the wife.
“My homeland!” says Tony. “Where abouts you going?”
“Rome.”
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It’s nasty and overcrowded and dirty. You’re crazy to want to go to Rome. Go to my hometown, Palermo. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Alitalia,” is the reply. “I got a good rate.”
“Alitalia?” exclaims the barber. “You fucking crazy? That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are dirty, their fight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place near the River Tiber called the Hotel Roma.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. It’s a terrible tourist trap. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s a shit-hole. Stay somewhere else. So, what you gonna do in Rome?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“Don’t make me laugh!” snorts the barber. “Sure, you’ll see him. You and a million other people. He’ll look the size of an ant.”
Six weeks later, the man returns for another trim. Tony asks him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explains the customer, “not only were we on time in one of Alitalia’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were fantastic and the cabin crew waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel was amazing. They’d just finished a big refurbishing job and they upgraded us to a suite for free. Then we went to see the Vatican. We were really lucky, because as we were walking around, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“I don’t believe it! What’d he say?”
He says: “‘Tell me, my son, who fucked up your hair?’”
Old Hans was a minister in a small German town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Hans would like to ask. Old Hans didn’t have to think about it long. His first question was: “Will there ever be married Catholic priests?”
God promptly replied: “Not in your lifetime.”
Hans thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: “What about female priests then, will we have them one day?”
Again God had to disappoint old Hans: “Not in your lifetime, I’m afraid.”
Hans was a little disappointed to hear that. He decided to drop the subject. After having thought for a while, he asked the last question: “Will there ever be another German pope?”
God answered quickly: “Not in my lifetime.”
A mother is cleaning her son’s room when she finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she shows the magazine to her husband.
“Well?” his wife asks. “What do you think we should do?”
“I’m really not sure,” the father replies. “But it’s probably not a good idea to spank him.”
Twenty Lessons We have learned from Watching Porn
1 Women always wear high heels to bed.
2 Men are never impotent.
3 When going down on a woman, ten seconds is more than satisfactory.
4 If a woman is discovered masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist that he shags her.
5 Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.
6 Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7 Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
8 Women always achieve orgasm when men do.
9 A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10 All women are noisy fucks.
My wife said, “When you’re watching pornography, do you think of me?”
I countered, “When you’re eating a cake, do you think of dogshit?”
Why is porn like a KFC meal?
It feels great when you’re doing it, but afterwards, you feel really dirty and your hands are all sticky.
Actors are often advised never to work with children or animals. Except in the porn industry.
11 In the 1970s people were unable to shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12 A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.
13 There are Asian women, but no Asian men.
14 If you encounter a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend will not knock seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.
15 There is always a plot.
16 When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the bottom.
17 Nurses will suck patient’s cocks.
18 When your girlfriend discovers you getting head from her best friend, she will be momentarily annoyed before fucking both of you.
19 Women never have headaches.
20 When a woman is sucking a man’s penis it is important for him to remind her to “suck it”.
I discovered today that my grandmother once starred in a porno flm. I don’t know what disgusts me more, the fact she made it or the fact I carried on wanking after I recognized her.