The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (158 page)

Why do women watch porn?

To see if the characters get married at the end.

Gay porn. What a load of bollocks.

A man was working in the Post Offce sorting area one day when he came across a letter in shaky handwriting simply addressed to “God”. As there was no other forwarding address, he thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an eighty-six-year-old widow, living on a very meagre pension. The other day someone stole my purse. It had £50 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas Eve and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money I have nothing to buy food with. As I have no family to turn to, you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Yours sincerely, Ethel.

The postal worker was very moved by the letter and showed it to all of his fellow employees. Every one of them stumped up some money – by the time he made the rounds, he had collected £46, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. They all felt happy in the knowledge the old lady would be able to share a meal on Christmas Eve with her friends.

Christmas came and went and a few days later another letter arrived, addressed in the same shaky handwriting, again addressed to God. All the Post Offce workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity I had a lovely Christmas Eve with my friends and I told them all about your wonderful gift.

Yours sincerely, Ethel.

P.S. There was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving cunts at the Post Office.

Three married women were sitting around discussing their sex lives. The first said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.”

The second woman said, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”

The third fell silent until one of the other two asked. “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?”

She said, “The postman.”

“Why the postman?”

“Because he always delivers late and most of the time it’s in the wrong box.”

The Post Office has released a new stamp depicting a clitoris. It isn’t selling too well. Apparently only 2 per cent of the population know how to lick it
.

A postman was on the last delivery of his career. Everyone on his route knew him and gave him presents to say goodbye. Eventually, he got to the very last house to deliver his final letter, when the front door of the house was opened by a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a scanty robe. She grabbed his hand and took him inside. For the rest of the day and all though the night they made passionate love. The next morning when the postman awoke he thought it had all been an amazing dream. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the beautiful, naked woman lying in the bed beside him. She got up and made him breakfast and poured him a cup of coffee. As he was finishing his breakfast he noticed a pound coin underneath the saucer.

“What’s the pound coin for?” he asked.

The women replied: “That was my husband’s idea. I asked him what to do for you on your last day. He said, ‘Fuck him! Give him a quid.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

What’s 100 yards long and smells of piss?

The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

My wife is from Taiwan. People often ask me if she was a mail-order bride and I find this very insulting. The Royal Mail lose around two million letters and parcels each year and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is extremely insensitive. I got her via DHL next-day delivery.

I was invited to a function at the Premature Ejaculation Society. When I asked if there was a dress code, they said, “No, just come as you are.”

Premature ejaculation isn’t all bad news. I made ten sex-line calls last month and my total phone bill was less than two quid.