The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (167 page)

Lost for words, he manages to blurt, “Er . . . no . . . what happened?”.

The neighbour replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. The weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some really sick bastards out there!”

How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

I was in New York riding the subway when a black man came up to me and said, “Do you know if the Yankees won?”

I replied, “You haven’t heard? Yes, the Yankees won . . . you’re free!”

Two Alabama cops are patrolling one afternoon when a young black teenager rides past on his bicycle. Seeing him, the first policeman takes out his gun and shoots the boy in the head. His partner says, “Why did you do that?”

“Because there is a strict six o’clock curfew on all niggers,” replies the shooter.

His mate says, “Yes, but it’s only 4.30.”

“I know,” says the shooter, “but I know where he lives, and he’d never get home by six o’clock.”

A black guy dies and goes to Heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter. St Peter says, “Heaven is very full at the moment and we are restricting entry only to people who have done something amazing with their lives. Have you ever done anything amazing in your life?”

The black guy replies, “In fact I have. I fucked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Ku Klux Klan.”

“No way!” says St Peter, “That is truly amazing! When did that happen?”

“Oh, about three minutes ago.”

A young black boy is helping his mum to bake bread in the kitchen when he gets four all over his face. He rubs the four around a bit and turns to his mum and says, “Look, momma, I’m a white boy!”

His mother slaps him hard across the face and says, “Go and tell your daddy what you just did!” The boy goes to his dad and says, “Look, dad, I’m a white boy!”

His father grabs the boy, throws him over his knee and slaps his arse really hard and says, “Go tell your granddaddy what you said!”

The boy finds his grandfather and says sheepishly: “Look, grandad, I’m a white boy!”

The grandfather grabs the boy, drags him to the bathroom, puts a block of soap in his mouth and begins to scrub his tongue with it, before sending him to his room with no dinner. Later that evening his mother calls him down to the lounge, where his family are all seated, and says, “Have you learned anything?”

The boy replies, “Yeah. I was only white for five minutes and already I hate you black motherfuckers.”

Five racists corner a Pakistani down an alley. They hand him a dice and tell him: “Throw a one, two, three or five and we are going to kick your head in.”

Seeing a possible escape route, the Pakistani cleverly throws a six.

“Well done,” says the ringleader. “You get another go.”

What do you call 100 black men buried up to their necks in soil?

Afro turf.

What is the difference between a black slave and snow tyres?

Snow tyres don’t sing when you wrap them in chains.

My boss is black and this week he called me into his office and accused me of being racist. I replied: “I don’t like your tone.”

Why did Terry’s launch a white chocolate orange?