The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (170 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very nice, quite stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.
My life was so dull and predictable that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did crazy, impetuous things and firted with all my mates. She made me miserable more times than she made me happy. She was great fun at first and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found this smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. Unfortunately she was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a bird with big tits.
A Jew, a Roman Catholic and a Mormon were talking one day and the subject of family size came up.
The Jewish man said, “My wife just gave birth, so now I have enough children for a basketball team.”
The Roman Catholic chipped in, “With the recent addition to our family I now have enough kids for a baseball team!”
The Mormon replied, “When I marry my next wife I’ll have enough holes for a golf course.”
A bloke was walking across a bridge one day when she saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump. He ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Are you religious?”
He replied, “Yes.”
“Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
The man replied: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.
Religions in Brief
Taoism – shit happens.
Buddhism – if shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam – if shit happens, blame the infidels.
Protestantism – shit won’t happen if I work hard enough.
Judaism – why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism – this shit happened before.
Catholicism – if shit happens, it’s because I deserve it.
Hare Krishna – shit happens, Ramah Lama Ding Dong
TV Evangelism – end more shit.
Jehovah’s Witness – knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism – there’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science – shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism – maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism – let’s smoke this shit!
Existentialism – what is shit anyway?
Stoicism – this shit doesn’t bother me.
Atheism – no shit.
A man dies and he goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says: “Come with me. You get to choose your eternal punishiment.”
He walks by the first room and sees a man being whipped by a 300-lb transvestite and he thinks to himself, “Oh, God no!”
He walks by the second room and sees a man being burned with cigarettes by a 200-lb transsexual vegetarian. Again, he thinks, “No way in hell will I choose that.”
He walks by the third room and sees a beautiful blonde giving an old man a blow job. He says to Satan, “Okay. I’ll choose this one.”
Satan agrees, walks up to the blonde and says: “You can go now, chuck. I’ve found your replacement.”
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the twenty-first century. “I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously. “Did you?”
“I don’t know,” shrugged the other. “What was her maiden name?”
An old man in a nursing home walks up to a little old lady and says, “Guess how old I am!”
She unzips his fy, puts her hand inside his pants, then rummages around for a couple of minutes. “You’re 82!”
He says, “That’s amazing! How do you know?”
She replies, “You told me yesterday.”
A group of old people were talking at the breakfast table in a nursing home.
“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of arthritis in my neck,” said a third, at which the rest nodded weakly.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another added.
“That’s nothing,” said another old man, “I’ve had two triple-bypass operations, a hip replacement and new knees. I’ve battled prostate cancer and have diabetes. I’m half blind, I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take twenty different medications for my blood pressure that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I also have episodes of dementia and my circulation is so poor that I can no longer feel my hands or my feet. To be honest, I can’t remember if I’m eighty-fve or ninety-two.”
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said yet another lady, and again they all nodded in agreement.
Then there was a short moment of silence. “Well, it could be worse,” said one old woman. “Thank God we all still have our driver’s licences.”
’ One evening a family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home. The next morning the nurses bathed her, fed her a good breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely fower garden. She appeared to be perfectly okay, but after a while she slowly started to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straightened her up. Again she seemed to be okay for a while, but after a couple of minutes she started to tilt to the other side. Again, the nurses rushed back and brought her upright. This went on all morning.
Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So, mum, how is it here? Are they treating you well?” they asked.