The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (82 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
“That’s a good idea,” says God, “but where?”
“What about Jupiter?” suggest Moses. “Lovely scenery.”
“Mmmm, but the gravity gives me a backache,” says
God.
“Okay, what about Saturn then? Impressive rings!” “Yes, but a bit too cold and dull. I fancy a bit of excitement.”
“Well, if it’s excitement you want, what about Earth? It’s the happening place to be.”
“Earth?” God says in disgust. “No way. Last time I was there, I got some bitch pregnant and I haven’t heard the end of it for the last 2,000 years.”
A boy says to his mother, “Mum, is God a man or a woman?”
His mother thinks carefully for a while and says, “Well, son, God is neither man nor woman.”
The son is confused, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
The mother replies, “God is both black and white, dear.”
The son, still curious, says after a while, “Is God gay or straight, mum?”
The mother, getting a little anxious, answers, “Son, God is both gay and straight.”
The son thinks about it, then his face lights up. “Mum, is God Michael Jackson?”
Three golfers, Tom, Dick and Harry, are looking for someone to make up a foursome. Tom mentions that his friend Bob is a pretty good golfer so they decide to invite him along the following weekend.
“Thanks, guys, I’d love to play,” says Bob, “but I might be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
The weekend rolls around. Tom, Dick and Harry arrive at the first tee promptly at 9 a.m. and find Bob waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new golf partner, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following weekend.
“Sounds good to me,” says Bob. “But wait for me because I might be ten minutes late.”
The following weekend all four golfers show up on time, but this time Bob plays left-handed and still beats them all easily. As they are getting ready to leave, Bob says: “See you next weekend, but I might be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
This goes on for several weeks and Bob always turns up on time and plays out of his skin – right-handed, left-handed, it doesn’t seem to bother him. Every week, he leaves his golfing friends with the same message.
After a couple of monthis, the other three are fairly irritated by this routine, so Dick says, “Hang on a minute, Bob. Every week you give us the same old crap. You say you might be about ten minutes late, but you never are. And what’s with this left-handed, right-handed shit?”
“Well,” says Bob, “I’m very superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed. If she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.”
“So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Dick asks.
“Then I’m about ten minutes late,” says Bob.
Two men had just fnished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious to one of them that his friend was having a bad day. “You’re just not your old self today. What’s the matter?”
His friend looking glum, said, “I think my wife’s dead.” “My God! That’s terrible,” said his friend. “But what do you mean, you think she’s dead. Aren’t you sure?”
“Well, I just don’t know,” he responds. “The sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up.”
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will make the effort to search for a golf ball.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately fell to the ground and rolled around in agony clasping his groin. The woman rushed down to the man, and began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”
“No, no, I’ll be okay in a few minutes,” the man protested, even though he was still obviously in agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. She persisted, however, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes and asked, “How does that feel?”
“Pretty good,” he replied, “but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
’ A man takes a week off and decides to spend every day improving his golf. First thing Monday morning he sets off on his first round and soon catches up with the player in front. He notices that she’s a very attractive woman. He suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and she turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the eighteenth hole. He congratulates her on her game and offers to give her a lift home. All in all, he has had a really enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s game and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much for ages. “In fact,” she says, “I’d like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.” He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he’s ever had.
The following day he sees her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. This time he’s very competitive – his sense of pride is slightly dented by the fact that she beat him the previous day. Once gain they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a good competitive round of golf. Yet again she pips him at the last, yet again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation with a blow job. This goes on all week, with the lady beating him narrowly every day.
In the car on the way home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fantastic week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant, followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of an expensive hotel. To his surprise, she bursts into tears. He can’t work out what the fuss is about but eventually she sobs: “I can’t go with you. You see, I’m a transsexual.”
At this he swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a halt and curses madly and violently.
“I’m sorry,” she repeats.
“You scumbag!” he screams, red in the face. “You cheating bastard. You’ve been playing off the women’s tees all week!!”
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early. What’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee,” she said.
“Where,” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.
He nodded, and said, “Your stance is far too wide, madam.”
Frank and Emily met on holiday and Frank fell head over heels in love. After a couple of romantic weeks, during which Frank took Emily out to various night clubs, restaurants and concerts, he was convinced that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. On the very last night of his holiday the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. “It’s only fair to warn you that you’re going to be a golf widow,” Frank said to his new ladyfriend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem you’d better say so now!”
Emily was quiet for a moment. Then she took a deep breath and replied: “Since we’re being honest with each other, there’s something you also need to know. I’m a hooker.”