The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (177 page)

One less drunk.

What’s green and gets a Glaswegian drunk?

A Giro
.

A Scotsman is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. Grinning from ear to ear, he announces that his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing twenty-five pounds, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar.

Congratulations are showered on him from all around, although nobody can quite believe the baby’s size. When challenged about this, the Scot just shrugs, “That’s about average where I come from. My boy’s a typical Scottish baby boy.”

Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The barman says “Aren’t you the father of that massive Scottish baby? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The barman is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? You said he weighed twenty-five pounds the day he was born.”

The Scot takes a slow swig from his whisky, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, then replies, “We had him circumcised.”

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, goes straight up to the counter and said, “I’m looking for a job.”

The man behind the counter replied, “Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary is £150,000 a year.”

The Scouser said, “You’re bullshitting me!”

The man behind the counter replied, “Well, you fucking started it.”

Why do Geordies rarely marry Scousers?

They are afraid their kids will be too lazy to steal.

What’s the difference between a cow and a tragedy?

A Scouser wouldn’t know how to milk a cow.

Eminem’s gig in Liverpool is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence and, of course, the booze. Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and “judge the Liverpudlians for himself”.

What’s long, hard and fucks Scousers?

High school.

John Lennon Airport in Liverpool was shut for eight hours due to a “suspicious car” found within the perimeter. Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

Did you hear about the ambidextrous Scouser?

He can sign on with both hands.

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked, it would get mugged.

Apparently 85 per cent of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower.