The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (180 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
According to recent research, more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. This means that, by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.
An elderly man goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with my sex life.”
The doctor asks, “Can you describe the problem?”
“Well, I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work.”
“Okay . . .” the doctor replies.
“I haven’t finished yet. I go for a walk in the park and shag my girlfriend in the bushes. Then at lunchtime I go to the pub and shag the young barmaid a couple of times. I go back home and shag my wife again in the afternoon. Then I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep.”
“Well, I don’t see what the problem is.”
“Well, doctor,” says the old man, “it hurts when I have a wank.”
I met a much older woman in a bar last night. She was looking a bit ropey but she wasn’t bad for fifty-eight and she had a massive pair of tits. We had a few drinks and flirted, then she asked if I’d ever had a mother and daughter combo.
I said, “No.”
We had a couple more drinks then she told me that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place, barely concealing my excitement.
Then she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: “Mother, are you still awake?”
A little boy and his grandad are playing in the garden. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandad, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you £5 you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. His grandad hands the little boy £5, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another £5. The little boy shakes his head: “Grandad, you already gave me £5?”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A young lad went to his father and asked, “Dad, what’s the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thinks for a moment and then replied, “Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Sean Connery for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
So the lad went to his mother and asked: “Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?”
His mother replied, “Definitely, I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his older sister and asked: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?”
His sister replied: “Would I fuck Brad Pitt? Too fucking right I would!”
The lad thought about it for a few days and went back to his father. His father asked him “Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The lad replied, “Yes, dad. Potentially we’re sitting on two million quid. Realistically, however, we’re living with two slappers.”
The father replied, “That’s my boy.”
Jimmy’s dad asked him, “Do you know about the birds and the bees?”
“I don’t want to know!” little Jimmy cried, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Christ, dad . . .” Jimmy sobbed, “. . . when I was seven, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. When I was eight, I got the ‘There’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then when I was nine, you gave me the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Jimmy and Jenny are just ten years old but they are in deeply in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Jimmy goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Jimmy bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr Jones, me and Jenny are in love and I would like your permission for her hand in marriage.”
Mr Smith smiles, “Well, Jimmy, you are only ten. Where will you two live?”
Without hesitation, Jimmy replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely.”
Mr Smith says: “Okay. How will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job and you’ll need to support Jenny.”
In an instant, Jimmy replies, “Our allowance: Jenny makes £5 a week and I make £5 a week. That’s about £40 a month, and that should do us just fne.”
By this time Mr Jones is a little taken aback by Jimmy’s self-assurance. After a few moments he says: “Well, Jimmy, it seems that you have got everything all fgured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Jimmy shrugs his shoulders. “That won’t happen, she only lets me shag her up the arse.”
A mother and her thirteen-year-old are sitting watching the television when there’s a sex scene. The daughter shifts in her seat uncomfortably but mum thinks it’s a good time to show her daughter that she’s an open-minded parent, and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and so forth.
“So,” says mum, “is there anything you want to ask me about dating?”
“Oh, you know how it is,” replies the daughter uneasily, feeling very uncomfortable about where this is going.
“Really now . . .” says mum, “. . . you can ask me anything. It’s really important for mums and daughters to talk about these things.”
“I don’t know,” answers the daughter.
“Don’t forget,” says mum, “I was a teenager once.”
“Okay,” says the reluctant daughter. “For starters, how do you get spunk out of your hair?”
A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for her birthday. The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”