The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (179 page)

Batman can go out at night without robin
.

An Irish girl had not been home to visit her parents for years. Upon her return, her father berated her. “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call? Can you not understand what you put your poor mother through?”

The girl, sobbing, replied, “Sorry dad. I was too ashamed. I became a prostitute.”

“What!!?” yelled her father. “Get out of here, you shameless slut! You’re a disgrace to this fecking family.”

“Okay, dad,” the girl sobbed, “as you wish. I just came back to give mum this fur coat and this diamond necklace. And for my kid brother, this gold Rolex and for you, daddy, the keys to the Mercedes limited-edition convertible parked outside, plus a membership to the country club. There’s also an invitation for you all to spend Christmas on board my new yacht in the Riviera—”

“Bejesus!” interrupts her father. “Come here and give your old man a hug! You scared us half to death, lass! We thought for a minute you said you’d become a Protestant!”

What is two miles long and has an IQ of forty?

An Ulster Orangemen march
.

Two old age pensioners are having oral sex. After a few minutes he chokes, “Sorry, love, the smell’s too bad down there, I can’t carry on.”

“That’ll be my arthritis,” she replies.

“I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before.”

“No,” she says. “It’s in my arms and hands. I can’t wipe me arse.”

An old man is kneeling by the bed. His wife says, “What are you praying for?”

“Guidance,” he replies.

She says, “Pray for stiffness – I’ll guide it in myself.”

What do you call a successful masturbation by a ninety-year-old man?

Miracle whip
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An elderly couple in their eighties just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel bridal suite she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. Meanwhile he is in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits . . . and waits . . . and waits . . . until she can’t wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.

“Honey,” she says, “what on earth are you doing? I’m eighty-six years old and can’t get pregnant any more.”

He looks up at her and says, “I know, darling, but you know how the damp affects my arthritis.”

What’s the best form of birth control after fifty?

Nudity.

A ninety-year-old man went to see his doctor for a check-up.

“How are feeling in general,” asked his doctor.

“I’ve never felt better,” replied the old man. “I have an eighteen-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly patient who likes to shoot rabbits. One day when he was going out he got a little confused and he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the woods, he saw a rabbit raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”

The ninety-year-old considered this for a few seconds and said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”