The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (22 page)

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” the man replies.

“Then can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands through his beard.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” says the barman breathlessly. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her finger through his hair.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender just manages to say.

“Tell him”, she whispers, now sliding two fingers inside his mouth, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ room.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he goes to the cigarette-vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine he hears a voice coming from it: “You’re a fucking prick,” says the voice. “You’re a cunt and a waste of space. Piss off, you tosser, before I insult you some more.”

He runs to the bar and complains to the barman. The barman apologizes profusely: “I’m sorry, sir, the cigarette machine is out of order.”

What’s the most manic and psychotic animal in the world?

A bear wakes up in the forest and goes behind a bush to take a shit. While he’s taking a dump he sees a little rabbit nearby doing the same. “Hey there, little fella, what you doin’?” the bear says, trying to strike up a friendly conversation.

“Hi there, Mr Bear,” replies the rabbit. “I’m taking a dump.”

“You ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” enquires the bear.

“Nope,” replies the rabbit.

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

A bear walks into a bar in Boise, Idaho. He sits down and says to the barman “I’ll have a beer, please.”

The barman replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.”

The bear persists, “Give me a break, I’m really thirsty.”

The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.”

So the bear says, “Look, I’m spitting feathers here. I’ll pay you double.”

But again the barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.”

The bear is really angry by now so he grabs the woman sitting in the stool next to him, rips her head off and eats her whole. Then he says to the barman, “Give me a fucking beer or you’re next!”

The barman replies, “Look, I already told you we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise, and we certainly don’t serve it to bears on drugs!”

“Drugs, I’m not on drugs!” roars the bear.

“Why of course you are,” says the bartender. “That was a bar bitch you ate.”

A koala bear from Australia took a holiday in London to experience a different culture. After arriving at Heathrow and getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk. After touring Soho for a few hours he noticed several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff.

The koala bear approached one of them and asked, “What are you doing?”

The woman replied, “I’m a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?”

The koala bear immediately replied that he was.

“Do you want sex?” the prostitute asked.

“Well, I think so, I did come here to live the true London experience,” said the bear, with a grin on his face.

The prostitute grabbed the bear’s hand and directed him to her dingy flat, where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of bed and headed for the door.

The prostitute shouted, “Where do you think you’re going?”

The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go. “I’m a prostitute. You have to pay me!” she protested.

The bear said with disgust, “Since when do I have to pay for sex?”

The prostitute replied, “Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It’s in the dictionary, look it up.” The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves to look up the word “prostitute”. It said: “A woman who has sex in exchange for money.”

The koala bear then remarked, “Okay, to make it even, why don’t you look up the word koala bear?”

The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up “koala bear”. The bear said, “Go ahead, read it aloud!”

The prostitute read the definition out loud: “An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves.”

How do you make a bear cross?

Nail a couple of them together.

What you call a bear with no paw?

Rupert the bastard.

What caused audiences to scream so loud at Beatles concerts?