The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (24 page)

My wife and I decided to try a threesome with my best friend last night.

It was some of the best sex we’ve ever had. And I know he enjoyed it as well. His tail hasn’t stopped wagging since.

A man goes to the doctor’s and says, “I’ve got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?”

“Okay. Let’s have look.” So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down and the doctor examines him. “Yes, sir, I can remove that mole. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to report you to the RSPCA.”

What’s the worst thing about washing your cat?

Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a huge hole in my arse.”

The doctor says, “Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look.”

The man does as he’s told. “My God!!” exclaims the doctor. “What could have made a hole as big as that?”

He replies, “I’ve been fucked by an elephant.”

The doctor says, “An elephant’s penis is long and thin . . . this hole is enormous!”

“I know. He fingered me first.”

I had sex with a chicken last night. It turns out the chicken came first, after all.

I put my dick inside my daughter’s pet rabbit. He is not a happy bunny.

I was forcing the dog to give me a blow job this morning when he suddenly turned on me. Fortunately his arse was just as good.

A miserable-looking man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a treble whisky. “Wow, that’s some strong poison you’re ordering, you must be miserable,” says the barman.

The man replies, “Well, I just found my wife in bed with my best friend, so yes, I’m feeling pretty bad.”

The barman is deeply saddened by the man’s plight so he gives him the drink on the house and encourages him to tell him the fully story.

“Well, I came home and walked into our bedroom, then I saw them together. I told her that we were through and to pack her things.”

“And what did you do with your friend?” the barman enquires.

He replies, “Well, I looked him right in the eye and I said, ‘bad dog!’”

“
I love a nice tight pussy. That’s why I’m in big trouble with the RSPCA.
”

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, “This is the pig I have been fucking.”

His wife replies, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.”

The man replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck inside the chicken.

What’s the worst thing about giving anal to a horse?

The horse’s turn.

Why did the zoophile cross the road?