The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (50 page)

A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. One day he is amazed to see a stunningly curvaceous female scuba diver walking out of the water, looking as though she had been poured into her wetsuit. He runs to greet her and tells her she is the first human contact he has had in three years.

“Sounds like you could use a drink, honey,” she says, as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a fask of single malt whisky.

“That’s the best drink I’ve ever had!” he tells her.

“No problem. Would you like a smoke?” she asks, as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar.

“This must be the best cigar in the world!” he shouts, as he blows smoke rings in the air. As she begins to unzip the front of her wetsuit, she asks with an alluring wink, “Would you like to play around?”

“No shit!” he shouts. “You got golf clubs in there as well?”

An elderly man died and his wife put a death notice in the local paper, noting that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a relative phoned and complained bitterly: “You know very well that he died of diarrhoea.”

The widow replied:, “I know. I nursed him night and day.”

“So why did you claim he died of gonorrhoea?”

“I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”

If one out of ten people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that the other nine enjoy it?

“Doctor, I need some help. I keep shitting myself. I think I suffer from hereditary diarrhoea.”

“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” replies the doctor. “Diarrhoea is not hereditary.”

“Are you sure? It’s in my jeans.”

We took dad to Australia for his eightieth birthday. We were in this really nice restaurant in Sydney when suddenly he shouted out: “I fucking hate aborigines!”

We said: “Dad, you can’t say that here.” But he just wouldn’t shut up.

Again he shouted: “I fucking hate aborigines!”

“Dad, you just can’t say that in a restaurant. And in any case, it’s pronounced aubergines.”

I was out with the wife having a meal at the local pub when I decided to sneak into the kitchen to see how hygienic it was. To my shock, I saw the chef using his false teeth to put the edgings on the pastry for the pies.

I said, “You dirty bastard, haven’t you got a tool?” He replied, “Yes, but I use that for putting the rings in the doughnuts.”

One cold winter’s evening, a little elderly couple walked slowly into a McDonalds. They looked completely out of place among all the young families and young couples eating there. Lots of customers looked at them admiringly. “Look,” they were all thinking, “there is an old couple who has been through a lot together, probably for sixty years or more.”

Eventually the little old man shuffed up to the cash register and placed his order, then paid for their meal. The couple took a table and started taking food off the tray. There was just one cheeseburger, one order of French fries and one Coke. The little old man unwrapped the cheeseburger and carefully cut it in half, then placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two small piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. Then he took a sip of the Coke, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his meal. “Ah, that poor old couple,” everyone was thinking.

As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man walked over to them and politely offered to buy another meal. “No thanks,” replied the old man, “we’re just fne. We are used to sharing everything.”

The young man returned to his table and sat down. He couldn’t help noticing, however, that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipping some Coke. Again, the young man went over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were happy sharing.

As the little old man fnished eating, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely knocked back again, he fnally asked the little old lady, “Madam, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything.”

“We do,” she replied. “I’m waiting for my turn to use the teeth.”

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the speciality of the house. When his meal arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. “These, senor,” replies the waiter, “are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.” The American swallows hard but tries the dish anyway and to his surprise finds it delicious. He enjoys it so much that he returns the next evening and orders the same item. When he has fnished, the waiter asks him if everything was okay.