The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (51 page)

“Superb, thank you,” says the American. “But these cojones, or whatever you call them, they were much smaller than the ones I had last night.”

“Yes, senor,” replies the waiter. “You see, the bull, he does not always lose.”

A couple go into a restaurant and order a meal. When the waiter brings out their soup course they notice he has his thumbs stuck in both bowls. Being English, they are reluctant to complain, so they shrug and laugh it off.

“Would you like anything else?” the waiter enquires. “We have some excellent lamb shank today.” They both order lamb shank, so the waiter goes off and comes back with two plates of lamb shank. Once again they notice that the waiter’s thumbs are in the gravy. Again, they let it go.

“Would sir and madam like any desert? Our special today is apple pie,” says the waiter.

“Fine,” they reply. The waiter returns with his thumbs stuck in the custard. By now they have just about lost their appetites but are still reluctant to force a confrontation.

“Would you like some coffee?” asks the waiter. They nod, and he returns with his thumbs stuck in the cups of coffee.

By now the man can no longer restrain himself: “I say, what the hell’s going on here? Every time you have come to this table you’ve had your thumbs stuck in our food!”

“I’m terribly sorry, sir,” mumbles the waiter. “I’ve got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place.”

“Why don’t you just stick it up your arse?”

“That’s where I put it when I’m in the kitchen.”

Little Jimmy’s next-door neighbour had a baby, which unfortunately was born without ears. When mother and new baby arrive home from the hospital, Jimmy’s family are invited round to see the baby. Before they leave their house, Jimmy’s father explains to his son that the newborn baby next door hasn’t any ears. His dad warns him severely not to mention anything about the baby’s predicament. To even mention the word “ears”, Jimmy’s dad tells him sternly, would invite the hiding of his life when they got back home. Little Jimmy tells his dad that he understands completely.

When Jimmy looks in the cot, he says, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother says, “Why, thank you, Jimmy.”

Jimmy continues, “He has lovely little feet and lovely little hands, a lovely little nose and really lovely eyes. Can he see?”

“Yes,” the mother replies, “we are so thankful; the doctor says he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great,” says Jimmy, “because he’d be fucked if he needed glasses.”

What is the best way to fuck a woman in a wheelchair? Slash her tyres.

One-armed waiters. They can take it, but they can’t dish it out.

Last night I had sex with a girl who was suffering from brittle-bone disease. What a little cracker she was.

What’s the defnition of perfect balance? A pregnant hunchback.

What’s the best thing about being a hunchback?

Being able to rock yourself to sleep at night.

What’s the difference between shagging a girl with arms and shagging a girl without arms?

When you are shagging a girl with no arms and your dick slips out you have to put it back in yourself.

A man was walking along the beach one day when he passed by a young woman who did not have any arms or legs. He couldn’t help noticing that she was gently sobbing to herself. “Why the tears?” he asked.

She said: “I’m eighteen years old and I’ve never been kissed.”

The man paused for a moment, then smiled and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. She brightened up a little and smiled, so he gave her a big kiss on the lips. They pause for an unsure moment, and then she said, “You know, I’m eighteen years old and . . . I’ve never been fucked.”

The man stood up, started smiling and grabbed the young woman by the hair and tossed her into the sea. As she started screaming and bobbing up and down, the man shouted, “Consider yourself fucked, love!”

Did you hear about the strawberry picker who hadn’t any legs?