The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (47 page)

Marvin Gaye’s dad.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Diana, Princess of Wales.”

“Sorry, but I don’t open the door for dead people.”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Mother Theresa.”

“I said I don’t answer the door for dead people!”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Elvis Presley.”

“Hurry up, Burger King shuts in half an hour . . .”

Roy Castle finally made it into the
Guinness Book of Records
. They gave him six months to live and he did it in two.

Did you hear they had to pull Steve Irwin’s line of sun care products?

Apparently they don’t protect you from harmful rays.

What’s blue, hangs from the ceiling and doesn’t fit any more?

Ian Curtis.

Gene Pitney’s undertakers have said that it will take ten weeks to make him a coffin from oak . . . or twenty-four hours from balsa.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

He doesn’t, he’s dead.

I met a girl the other day and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, “Where the hell did you get her from, son? She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged and all her teeth are black!”

I told him, “Dad, there’s no need to whisper, she’s also deaf.”

Why did the deaf boy’s girlfriend wear tight jeans?

So he could read her lips.

Why do deaf women masturbate with one hand?

So they can moan with the other.

How do deaf people have phone sex?

By fax.

A deaf mute walks into a chemist’s to buy some condoms. He has difficulty making himself understood and can’t see any condoms on the shelf to point to. Out of sheer frustration he unzips his trousers and flops his cock on the counter then puts down a £5 note next to it.