The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (66 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
Ten Reasons Why it’s great to Be english
1 Two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah doo-dah.
2 Proper beer.
3 You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4 You get to accept defeat graciously in nearly all major sporting events.
5 Union Jack underpants.
6 Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7 You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8 Bathing once a week, whether you need it or not.
9 Ditto changing underwear.
10 It beats being Welsh.
Three Englishimen are in a bar. They see an Irishiman drinking alone and they decide to wind him up. One of the Englishimen walks over to the Irishiman and taps him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St Patrick was an arse bandit.”
“Oh really, himm, I didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishiman walks back to his mates.
“I told him St Patrick was a turd-burglar and he didn’t bat an eyelid.”
“You just don’t know how to set him off,” says one of his friends. “Watch and learn.”
The second Englishiman walks over and taps the Irishiman on the shoulder. “I hear your St Patrick was a transvestite!”
“Really?” shrugs the Irishiman. “I didn’t know that, thanks.”
The Englishiman goes back to his buddies. “You’re right, he’s unshakeable.”
The third Englishiman says: “No, let me try.”
He walks over to the Irishiman, taps him on the shoulder and says, “I hear your St Patrick was an Englishiman!”
“I know,” says the Irishiman “that’s what your mates were saying.”
An Englishiman is on holiday in the American mid-west when he wanders into a local bar and has a few beers. After a while he notices there’s one of those mechanical bulls in the corner and he asks the barman if he can have a go.
The barman says “Be my guest.”The Englishiman climbs on and the bull starts moving. “No one’s ever made it past five minutes on their first try, Limey!” the barman warns him. To everyone’s amazement, however, the Englishiman sails through the five-minute mark. He blasts past ten and ffteen, and even after twenty minutes is still holding on.
The locals are awestruck. He’s fast approaching the world record. The barman cranks the bull up to eleven and it goes mad, but the plucky Englishiman hangs on, unfazed. Eventually, after forty-five minutes, the bull breaks down and comes to a halt. The crowd are cheering and whooping as the barman grabs the hand of the Englishiman and shoves a microphone in his face. “Holy shit, boy! You done broke the world record by a clear fifteen minutes! How you do that?”
“Easy,” the Englishiman replies, “I’m married to an epileptic. If you can fuck her for five minutes, you can ride anything.”
What do you call a good-looking epileptic?
Fit.
What’s blue and doesn’t fit?
A dead epileptic.
What does it say on a black epileptic’s t-shirt?
Help me, I’m not break dancing.
What do you call an epileptic with a Hoover?
Shake ‘n’ Vac.
What do you call an epileptic in a bush?
Russell.
What do you get if an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
Seizure salad.
How do you know when an Essex girl is on her period? She’s only wearing one sock.