The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (69 page)

“So what’s the problem?” his boss snapped.

“The blue light on his motorcycle is still fashing!”

A student of criminal psychology is writing his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals. In particular, he is studying men who molest sheep. He takes a fight to Australia where he meets a sheep farmer. The farmer agrees to an interview about the mechanics of sex with sheep.

“Well it’s quite simple, you Pommie bastard. You grab the sheep by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in.”

The student thanks him and travels to New Zealand where he asks a farmer there the same question.

“Ah, we’re with the Aussies on that one. Grab the bastard by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind.”

Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it.

“Well it’s bloody awkward, see – first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that.”

The student enquires: “If you don’t mind me asking, why don’t you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?”

The Welsh farmer looks bewildered. “Fuck it from behind? How are you supposed to kiss it?”

A farmer has successfully grown a crop of dildoes. Unfortunately he’s having trouble with squatters.

A young journalism student at Swansea University was assigned to write a human-interest story, so he went up into the mountains, where he found a farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, “Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?”

The farmer thought for a moment, then said, “I remember one time my neighbour’s daughter, a fne looking girl, got lost, see. So we formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her.”

“I can’t print that!” said the young student. “Can’t you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”

The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. “Oh! One time a neighbour’s sheep got lost, see. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it.”

Again, the young man said “I can’t write about that either. Let’s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?”

The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, “This one time, I got lost . . .”

Two farmers are in a bar. One says to the other, “I think my dog is gay.”

“How do you work that out then?” the other one asks.

“Because his cock tastes like shit.”

At the World Women’s Conference, a feminist speaker from Germany stood up: “At last year’s conference we talked about being more assertive with our husbands. After the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful full roast with all the trimmings.” The crowd clapped and cheered.

A second speaker from America stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his ironing and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own ironing but my ironing as well.” The crowd clapped and cheered.

A third speaker from England stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I wasn’t going to do his laundry any more and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

Feminists: if only they put all that passion into their cooking.

A man and a woman meet in a bar. They click, have a couple of drinks and end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment and, as he shows her around, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves on the bedroom wall, containing what must be hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, lovingly arranged in rows covering the entire wall. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf and massive teddy bears all the way along the top shelf. She didn’t think it was odd for a man to have such a large collection of teddy bears: on the contrary, she was quite impressed because it demonstrated his sensitive side.

Anyway, they share a bottle of wine, and then another, and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Maybe this guy could be the one! Could this be the father of my children?” She leans over and kisses him on the lips. They embrace and the passion builds, then he takes her in his arms, gently sweeps her off her feet and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make passionate love.