The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (81 page)

The brick gets laid.

What’s the best thing about being black?

You won’t have ginger kids.

Why did God invent colour blindness?

So someone will fancy the ginger kids.

What do you call a good-looking woman with a ginger man?

A hostage.

I’ve just seen the new Harry Potter film, but it’s pretty unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

On the sixth day, God created the duckbilled platypus. And God saw that it was good and said, “Let’s see the evolutionists try and figure out this motherfucker.”

Why did God make homosexuality a sin?

Because his boyfriend thought that would make sex hotter.

What if God is a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why.

God says to one of his angels: “I’m absolutely knackered. I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

The angel says, “What are you going to do now?”

God replies, “Fuck it, I think I’ll call it a day.”

One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah, love, I want you to make me a new ark.”

Noah replies, “
Au naturellement
, anything you want, oh Mighty One, you’re the boss!”

God continues, “But I want this to be a very special ark, Noah. I want an ark with not just a couple of decks, I want twenty decks, one on top of the other.”

“Twenty decks?” says Noah. “Okay, Lord, whatever you say, you’re the boss. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”

“Yes, that’s right. Well, not exactly. This time I want you to fill it up with fish,” says God.

“Fish?” says Noah.

“Yes, fish. And not just any old fish, Noah. I want carp.”

“Carp, oh Mighty One?” queries Noah.

“Yes, Noah. Just carp.”

Noah looks to the skies, “Okay, God, let me get this right, you want a new ark?”

“Correct.”

“With twenty decks, one on top of the other?”

“Correct.”

“And you want it full of carp?”

“You’ve got it.”

“Please,” says the perplexed Noah, “may I ask why, oh Lord?”

“Well,” says God, “I just always fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”

The Yorkshire Ripper died and went to meet his maker. When he arrived, St Peter opened the pearly gates and let him in, whereupon God hit him thirteen times with a hammer and then kicked him directly in the bollocks.

The Ripper, doubled up in pain, gasped, “Why did you do that?”

God replied, “You killed thirteen women. That was a blow for each of your victims.”

The Ripper said, “Yes, yes, I understand that, but why kick me in the balls?”

“For blaming me.”

Moses and God are walking around Heaven when God complains of being bored. Moses suggests a holiday.