The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (89 page)

A few days later he received a parcel with a note: “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head – and with your wooden leg, you will be perfect as a pirate.”

The man was annoyed about their lack of tact and felt they had completely missed the point by emphasizing his wooden leg. He returned the costume with a very terse letter complaining about their appallingly inappropriate advice.

A week passed and he received another parcel and a note, which read: “Dear Sir, we are very sorry. Please find enclosed a Monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

Now the man was really annoyed and upset because they have added insult to injury by making a feature of his baldness. This time he wrote the company a very rude letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note, which read –

“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple, you cunt.”

Hollywood are making a film about Dr Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. It’s going to be called
The Old Dear Hunter.

What’s the difference between Harold Shipman and the government?

Shipman actually did something about the NHS waiting lists
.

What did Harold Shipman and Gary Glitter have in common?

They both enjoyed euthanasia.

Harold Shipman’s last meal was a curry. He said it was okay but he could have murdered a nan.

Knock, knock?

Who’s there?

Doctor.

Doctor who?

No, Doctor Shipman. Is your gran in?

One day God says to St Peter, “We have a problem, Pete. Heaven is full to bursting. However, we have a number of celebrity candidates waiting at the gates and we are suffering from falling popularity. So I’m going to chuck out Mother Teresa and let in one of the high-profile dudes at the gate. You’ll have to go and decide who is most suitable.”

St Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di waiting for him.

He says: “I’m afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a plausible reason for admission into Heaven.”

Freddie says, “I’ve been gifted with one of the most amazing voices to ever grace the earth. I’ll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better.”

Gianni says, “I was earth’s greatest fashion designer. I will clothe the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions – long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better.”

Diana looks around nervously and seems lost for words. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St Peter says, “Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day.”

Freddie and Gianni are furious. “What the hell’s going on here? We could make Heaven look and sound better than ever before and she performs a pornographic act, but she gets in and we don’t?”

St Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry lads, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.”

A Pakistani dies and goes up to Heaven. He knocks on the gates and St Peter opens them. “What do you want” asks St Peter. “I am here for Jesus,” says the Pakistani. St Peter turns around and shouts, “Jesus, your taxi’s here.”

Three friends die in a car accident, and before they are allowed into Heaven, St Peter asks each of them one question. “When you are in your coffin and family and friends are grieving for you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first man says, “I would like someone to say that I was a terrific doctor and a great family man.”

The second man says, “I would like someone to say that I was a marvellous husband and a great school teacher who made a huge difference.”

The third man replies, “I would just like to hear someone say: ‘FUCK . . . HE’S MOVING!’”