The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (92 page)

Two tramps are walking down the street when one of them starts sniffng the air. He says to the other tramp, “Have you shit your pants?”

The other tramp replies, indignantly, “No!”

The first tramp says, “Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

“Pull your pants down and let me see.”

So he pulls his pants down and reveals that they are full of shit.

“See, I told you you had shit yourself!” says the first tramp.

“Oh, right,” says his mate. “I thought you meant today.”

A tramp finds a £5 note in the gutter, so he takes it to the off-licence and buys himself a bottle of white wine. After knocking back the plonk, the tramp collapses in a drunken stupor in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. The quick-thinking fudge-packer whips down the tramps trousers and gives him a good seeing to. As the turd-burglar is just about to leave, he feels a pang of conscience and tucks a £5 note into the tramp’s hand.

Upon waking up the next day, the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good luck, he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the plonk and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same player-of-the-pink-oboe passes the alleyway and spies the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the arse bandit divests the tramp of his shitty boxer shorts and gives him another seeing to. Again he leaves £5 out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up, the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so makes his way back to the off-licence. The sales assistant sees him enter the shop and automatically reaches for the usual bottle of cheap white wine. To which the tramp responds, “No thanks, I’ll have a bottle of red.”

“Why the change?” the assistant enquires.

The tramp says: “I like the white wine, but Christ, it doesn’t half make your ring piece sore.”

Two tramps were sitting in McDonald’s when one them caught of a whiff of something foul. He asks the other; “Did you just shit yourself?”

“Oh, yeah,” says the second tramp.

“Why don’t you go and clean yourself up then?”

“I’m not finished yet.”

How do tramps connect wirelessly?

Brown tooth.

Two tramps were walking along the railway track one day when one tramp said to the other, “I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

“How’s that?” asked the other tramp.

“Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20 note. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was pissed for three days.”

The other tramp said, “Not bad, but I think I’m the luckiest man in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago when I found a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the woods and I had sex with her for two days.”

“Jesus,” said the first tramp. “Did you get a blow job as well?”

“Nope,” the other tramp replied ruefully. “I never found her head.”

A tramp is weaving his down the main street of the town, blind drunk. Somehow he manages to stagger up the steps of a cathedral, where he goes inside and crashes from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had observed all of this and he enters his side of the confessional. The priest sits in silence for a couple of minutes, then says, “I thought perhaps you could use some help, my son.”

“I don’t know,” comes the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any paper on your side?”

    I was in a very affuent part of London the other day when this homeless person came up to me. He said, “Sir, I haven’t tasted food in a week.”

“Don’t worry,” I reassured him. “It still tastes the same.”

Which is better, being born black or gay? Black, because you don’t have to tell your parents.

How do you know if your best mate is gay?