The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (93 page)

He gets an erection when you take him up the arse.

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A fruit stand.

How do you know if you’re at a gay barbecue?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

How do you get four homosexuals on a bar-stool?

Turn it upside down.

Colin comes home one day and says to his room-mate, “Can you do me a favour please. It feels like something’s stuck up my arse. Could you check it out for me?”

His room-mate lubes up his fnger and shoves it up Colin’s arse, has a good feel around, and says, “I can’t fnd anything.”

“Trust me,” says Colin. “There’s defnitely something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.”

So his room-mate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up. He feels around and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

“I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your arse.”

Colin starts singing, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you . . .”

Dr Watson is working away one day when suddenly he is hit on his head and becomes unconscious. When he wakes up, he is stripped naked and bent over a chair. Sherlock Holmes is squeezing a lemon and the juice is running all over his buttocks.

“Good grief, Holmes. What are you doing?” cries Doctor Watson.

“A lemon entry, my dear Watson, a lemon entry.”

What do you call a gay man’s scrotum?

Mud faps.

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?

For traction in the shit.

How do you make a fruit cordial?

Say something nice about his shoes.

What do you get when a homosexual gets Alzheimer’s?

A bloke who spends all day wondering why his arse hurts.

A man about to get married is confding to his best man on his stag night. “You know, I don’t think my bride is a virgin. She says she is, but I don’t believe her.”

“No problem,” replies his friend. “There is an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. On your honeymoon, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

“How will that help?”

“When you get into bed, if she laughs and says they are the funniest bollocks she’s ever seen, you simply hit the slag with the shovel.”

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to their friends that all was not well. So the groom’s best man took him aside and asked him what the problem is.