The Matter Is Life (14 page)

Now, I ain’t quite learned bout who makes all the big rules in life, but life sure can be mean and hard sometime. It didn’t have to happen, but it did. Two months later, when my life was goin on pretty fine, I realized I was pregnant! I tried to hide it, til I could decide what to do, or if there was anything I could do. But, in some way, my mama could tell what was happenin to me in my body.

She asked me, “Who did it? Who did this to you?!”

I told her, “Your favorite! Wallace did it!” I was scared to say he raped me. I didn’t want big trouble. I sure didn’t want her to think I let him! So I just answered her question.

Then she said, “Well, that little man will just have to marry you!”

I liked to died! I pleaded, I begged. “Please don’t make me marry him! Don’t do it, Mama! Please. Let me have my baby on my own. I’ll take care of it. I’ll work. We don’t need him.”

But she insisted. “I’m callin him over here right now! He gonna do the right thing by you. He is goin to marry you!” She called him.

I begged her not to do it, but she did it anyway.

He came over, not even shamed. Just lookin proud and mannish. They the ones who talked. Nobody ask me nothin! And it was my baby and my life!

You know what he said, “If she hadn’t ask me to do it to her, I wouldn’ta. But you know I like your daughter. So … I did.” He stared at me like I better not correct him!

My mama asked him, “Well, do you love her at all?”

He told my mama, “Yes, I love her and I’ll marry her!”

I begged him, begged him, not to do it, but he did it anyway.

With my mama behind him, believing him, we got married. I cried all through the ceremony down at the city hall. They thought I was cryin cause I was happy. Some people did look at me kinda funny tho, cause I know my face didn’t look like no happiness! With me holding on to the doors tryin to keep from goin through? I know I didn’t look happy! But people tends to believe what is SUPPOSED to be is. I whispered to everybody would listen, “Don’t let em do this to me.” But they did it anyway.

Oh! I hated it. I hated him! I didn’t love him at all! I didn’t want him to touch me on my weddin night. The most precious moments in a woman’s life. I spent mine cryin while he had his honeymoon on me.

Bout seven months later my little beautiful brown baby was born. Oh! I loved it! It was mine. Not his. Mine.

Life became a regular thing for me. By regular, I mean he regularly beat me cause I didn’t enjoy his lovemakin. I mean he regularly had other women, by the dozens. They called the house and came by when they got ready. Didn’t think nothin of me. I told him not to let them do that, but they did it anyway.

Why did he marry me? And who in the world would WANT to call him? Why didn’t he marry them?

He drank, regularly. Got traffic tickets, accidents, all
that. I told him not to drink like that, but he did it anyway. He spent his money on other women, gambled, everything! I told him not to do it, he did it anyway. He fought me, abused me, gave me nothing of value for ten years. Ten years of pain, fear, tension, sadness, and finally boredom, even with fear and disgust. Cause I hated him on top of me. He just stare down at me while he tryin to make sex. I’d tell him not to do it, but he did it anyway.

I came to slavery and hate. Yes, I slaved. And I hated. He wanted all things in all the wrong times. Midnight, he wanted supper, specially if I was sleeping. 4:00
A.M
., he wanted breakfast, specially if I was sleeping and I usually was. Isn’t everybody? All day, every day, any hour, he wanted sex and he was using other women too! I was scared to say yes because I didn’t know if he had just got some disease from somebody, I was scared to say no cause I was tired of bein beat! I’d tell him not to do it, but he did it anyway. Every time.

I had gonorrhea eight times, siftless three times. I PRAYED he didn’t bring nothin home they couldn’t cure. Oh, I told him not to do it, but he did it anyway.

Now … I am not a mean woman. I am not a jealous woman, at least, not of him. I haven’t ever had a chance to see if I would love and be jealous of anyone else, he has run my life so much. I am not an envious woman. But I HATED. I hated him. I told him what he was doin to me, but he did it anyway. Just stare me down, laugh and walk on away.

Round bout that time, whenever it was, I started gettin jobs. Because we was always short of money all the time, naturally, cause he had to pay for his fun. My husband worked good, when he didn’t have a hangover or was layin
round tryin to sue somebody from some accident that was his fault! I tried to save some little of whatever I made. Cause I had a child, and I had a dream! I had that dream ever since the first minute I got married. But everytime I got some money together, he would find it! Then spend it! On liquor and women. I told him not to do it, but he did it anyway.

I just felt lost. Lost! Well, what can I say? What do you feel when everything keeps gettin lost? Your dreams, your money, your life?… and seems unreal? My life was so unreal. I KNEW people was livin better than I was. I knew people was in love with the person they married. I knew families was happy together … sometimes! Not me. Not mine.

I had two kids now. He just took it, raped me when he wanted to. I told him not to do it, but he did it anyway. And we still wasn’t a family.

Now, life didn’t leave me all out in the wilderness by myself. God is good. I had made a friend, down the street here, at the gasoline station. The man who owned it, Mr. Evers, a little older-type man, but very kind, very nice. So different from that man I was married to. Mr. Evers helped me get a little ole car on credit from his gas station. He knew Wallace tore up every car we got and I had to get to the baby-sitters and things so I could work. That’s the kind of person he was. He knew I needed help and so he gave it. I liked him.

When I got my car, such as it was, I told Wallace not to drive it. I needed it and I never knew when he’d be home. He just stared at me like I was crazy. And sometimes when he came home he had had a accident and our car would be unable to drive. Of course, you know, Wallace drove my car
when he felt like it. When he came home, it usually have a new dent in it. If he didn’t hit something while he was gone, he hit my tree I planted side the driveway long time ago. My tree I named Baby. I loved my tree too. He was killin it! I hated that cause I took care of my things. I’d tell him not to do it, but he did it anyway.

I didn’t have any friends. He didn’t like nobody I liked. Said they wasn’t no good, would lead me wrong. Lord! Him and my mama had done that! But my mama wasn’t so crazy bout him as she used to be. He was still nice and mannerable in front of her, but she could see them black eyes when I had em, and that time I had the broken arm. She knew. But she didn’t ever say anything to me about it, because she knew I had told her not to make me do this, but she did it anyway.

My life was just in shambles. All I had I could truly say I enjoyed was my children, cause I counted them mine. I was just miserable allll the time. I cried for what looked like to everybody else no reason. Just out the clear blue sky.

I thought about killin myself, taking my own life! After I thought about it awhile I knew I didn’t want to leave my children. And I told myself, “You ain’t got no business wantin to kill your own self! Your self ain’t the one makin your ass unhappy! He is! Don’t kill yourself!” So I didn’t.

Meanwhile, I was doin a little extra work for Mr. Evers, the garage mechanic man with the fillin station. Typin, filin, billin, cleanin up the place, things like that. He paid me well cause he knew I needed the money real bad.

Then, that time came when Wallace wrecked my car real bad, Mr. Evers got it down to his shop for me. I was cryin. He hugged me, for the first time, and told me not to worry,
just pattin my shoulder. Then I felt his hand slide down my back a little too far. But I didn’t have no money and didn’t want to worry bout my car, so I didn’t say a word bout that hand. Just stood there cryin and leanin on Mr. Evers.

He said, “You know I always liked you, Ella Lee.”

“Did you, Mr. Evers?” Sniff, sniff.

He smiled and patted. “Yes.”

I sniffled. “I’m sure glad somebody do.”

He rubbed. “I’ll fix your car for you.”

I sniffled loud and wailed, “But, I ain’t go no money, Mr. Evers.”

He rubbed harder. “Wellll, we’ll work somethin out.”

I looked up at him, sniffled softer. “What we goin to work out, Mr. Evers?”

He looked down at me, still rubbin. “Well, we’ll see. Do you like me, Ella Lee? A little?”

“Oh! Mr. Evers, sure I like you. You bout the only friend I got.” I didn’t count my mama too much since she was the one made me marry that Wallace. She didn’t have no money for my car either.

He bent his head down to me, “But … I mean, do you like me a pretty good piece?”

I kinda laughed. “I like you a whole lot!” I did, too! He was always kind to me. Concerned for me. I sure did like him! I needed that.

His hand slid all the way down my back and patted. I liked it cause it was gentle. He didn’t GRAB me and GOUGE, PULL me round like Wallace did!

Somebody drove in and he moved away, said, “Well then, we’ll work it out.”

And we must did, cause my car got fixed.

Now, Wallace was very jealous and mean-minded, so the only way Mr. Evers and me could make this thing work out was for me to work longer hours for him in exchange for him fixin the car and later on he would give me extra money on the side. It worked. I’m so glad. I needed kindness.

I really started likin my job. I always liked mechanical work anyway. Grease and all. Don’t know why, just do. I was learnin how to do a whole lot of things on a car as well as the book-work too.

I, also, got to likin Mr. Evers too. He was real nice. When we would slip off together to “get along,” he was so different from Wallace. He was gentle … and kind. He would massage me, all them pains Wallace gave me. He would bring along a little gin with orange juice, put them old Billie Holiday records on, and then make love to the music, real slow … and gentle. First, I thought it was cause he was older. Now, I know it’s cause he just know what he’s doin. Yes, sir! I grew to like him a lot. He was the first man I had picked for myself. The second man in the whole world to make love to me. And he really cared … for me. If I told him not to do something, he didn’t do it!

I still was havin a horrible life at home with Wallace. He had just lately found my new hidin place for my money I saved for my children. He took it, spent it on just nothin! His women! I told him not to do it, but he did it anyway. He beat me pretty bad bout hidin that money too. Throwin me all up side the wall and all. Two black eyes, arm twisted so bad it untwisted like a telephone cord almost! I begged him not to do it, but he did it anyway.

Mr. Evers was really mad, but what could he do? Wallace would kill ME sure-nuff! He wouldn’t do nothin to Mr.
Evers! He ain’t gonna hit nothin but a woman. Not going to hit no man.

Now … I love my ass. And I was pretty damned tired of havin it beat!

When I was a little better … almost, Mr. Evers said out the clear blue sky, “Let me show you how to fix your car so nobody will be able to steal it without bein hurt.” I watched and learned how to fix them wires round and do a couple things extra I knew already on my own. I already had one dream. Now I added a plan.

Now, please don’t think I am a mean, ugly person. I am not. I was just tired of bein so abused, not listened to. Lord, have mercy on me, I sure didn’t mean to do nothin to nobody. To hurt nobody!

But, I did fix my car with the wires and everything, right on the side of my house where I lived with Wallace, in my driveway. And I did, when he came in half-drunk from somewhere off with his women, tell him I had to go off … and “NOT TO USE MY CAR CAUSE I WAS GOING TO USE IT WHEN I GOT BACK.”

I started down the street, went back to the house and said again, “Wallace, DON’T USE MY CAR. I MEAN THAT.” Then I went on bout my business.

Least I thought I could. I really had not gone far when my mind told me, no matter what anybody did, I didn’t have no business gettin mean as they were. I turned round and started runnin back home. I was goin to tell him what might happen if he use that car before it got fixed. But I was too late! I saw him steppin into the car. He saw me comin. He
laughed that ole ugly laugh of his. Stepped on the starter before he closed the door.

I screamed, “DON’T DO IT, WALLACE, DON’T START THAT CAR!” But he thought I was still tellin him what to do, and … he did it anyway.

Now … I don’t know how all this happened. It was just gonna be a little ole small explosion. But good thing Wallace hadn’t closed that door. The car blew up! Wallace was blown sideways out the car door, then he went straight up! Don’t ask me how all that happened, where all that power came from. I guess that car didn’t like him neither! He went straight up in the air, don’t know how many feet, and he came down in my tree, Baby! Baby like to beat him to death as he was fallin down through the branches. I told Baby, “Get him, Baby, get him!” Baby got him! When he hit the ground he had whelps all over his whole body I could see, from them tree branches whippin his behind! And you know how he use to always STARE at me, like he was tryin to scare me or something? Well, he don’t stare at nobody no more, cause when he finally came down and hit his head on that cement in the driveway, one eye looks up and the other looks down! They don’t look in the same direction no more! But … he can still see. One thing at a time.

Well … I told him not to do it. But he did it anyway.

It didn’t kill him. I didn’t plan to. I wasn’t goin to mess my car up so bad I couldn’t find it and fix it!! I wasn’t plannin on goin to no prison neither for no man on this God’s earth! But, he did have to go to the hospital for some broken bones and things. And bout his eyes, but seems they couldn’t do nothin right away. Said one day they may just
straighten themselves out. He was gone four, five weeks and after that he came out on crutches.

So … I had time to save for my dream. My dream … since the day I was married, was my divorce. And I got one!