The Mill House (43 page)

'He thinks by the end of the day tomorrow.' Fen regarded her sceptically. 'Is that possible?' Julia nodded. 'Provided I can restrain myself from visiting any more disasters on my own head, then yes, it should be,' she answered. 'In fact, it could prove an absolute godsend of a distraction if Josh continues to insist we have a break - plus, I've started to have some ideas for a book of my
OWN.'

Fen's eyebrows rose with interest. 'Can I ask what it's about?'

Julia laughed wryly. 'Would you believe a
woman who's spent most of her life cultivating an

image of cool sophistication, total self-confidence and unshakable calm, while underneath it all she's a hot-blooded whore who's shagged more married men than she's sold hardback copies.' Fen laughed. 'You're basing it on Sylvia?' Julia's eyes rounded in innocence. 'Did her name cross my lips?' she challenged. Then, 'Actually it started out as a plan to make her leave Josh alone - I thought if I threatened to go public with some of the high-profile men she's had affairs with, she might just disappear into the ether, but then I asked myself, why would I do that to their wives? Then the more I thought about it, the more I could see what a pathetic little character she really is, hiding behind her ice-queen image, pretending she's above wanting what other women want, parading her success, using her sexuality, befriending women just to seduce their husbands - can you believe I was so stupid as to think she'd never use that technique on me? It's all a power trip, a game, a charade, because underneath it all she's just a sad and lonely forty-year-old bitch who hasn't found what she's really looking for, what we're all looking for, which is to be loved and appreciated, and to feel that we matter to the one person we love as much as they matter to you.'

Fen was regarding her curiously, though her eyes were starting to narrow as she said, 'As your lawyer, as well as your friend, I hope you're planning to weave in enough fiction to avoid a lawsuit.'

Julia smiled. 'Actually, I'm not really a vengeful sort of person,' she sighed. 'Sometimes I wish I were, but as much as I'd like to give that bitch everything she deserves, when it comes right

down to it I have to ask myself, do I really want
to spend the next year focusing so intensely on her? The answer has to be no, but even if I did would I really let it be known that the main character is based on her, in order to make sure it was published?'

'Well, definitely hold onto the thought,'Fen
advised, 'because it would be great publicity if you
did, which would guarantee sales, and go quite some way towards settling the score.'

Only if she doesn't have Josh,' Julia responded quietly. 'If she has him, then the score will never be settled.'

The following morning, having already spoken to Dan on the phone twice, on his way to school and again at break, Julia finally settled down to make a start on Hamish Kincaid's manuscript. Since she always worked best when there was some kind of music or chatter in the background, she had the radio on low, which together with the sound of the rain outside should have lulled her smoothly into the story, but this morning it wasn't happening. Her head was simply too full of Josh and Shannon, and the fact that neither of them had spoken to her when she'd called Dan first thing, even though they'd both been in the car, nor had Shannon answered her text. Though she couldn't claim to be surprised, the hurt and worry were increasing to a point now where she kept tormenting herself with visions of rifts that went on for years, and resentments that could never be healed.

However, eventually, after reading the first few

pages several times, she found herself starting to let go of her turmoil and even registering some of what she was reading, until finally she became so engrossed that it was gone midday by the time she looked up again. Almost immediately she wished she hadn't, for suddenly reconnecting with reality caused a painful twist in her heart. Since there still hadn't been a call from Josh, she gave up reading for the moment and went to make herself a coffee while she decided whether or not to call him. The trouble was, she had nothing in particular to talk to him about, and she desperately didn't want to get into another row, or be any more hurt by the coldness of his manner, but nor did she want this silence to drag on for much longer.

In the end, though it was against her better judgement, she decided she had to call him because she couldn't stand this waiting any more, but even as she turned towards the phone it started to ring. Hoping and praying it would be him she quickly put down her coffee and reached for it.

'Hi, it's me,' Rico said.

Her disappointment was so intense that it sent a flash of anger through her. 'Hi, how are you?' she said, somehow managing to sound friendly, though she was already preparing an excuse to ring off.

'I am fine,' he answered. 'I am ringing to let you know that I will fly back to Italy tonight.'

Her relief was quickly swamped by a horrible surge of guilt. Brief as their love affair had been, it had clearly affected him deeply, and now he was doing this for her, even though he obviously didn't want to. 'I'm really sorry,' she said softly, 'I didn't

mean to hurt you, I just - it's ... If things had been different if I weren't married and perhaps a little closer to your age ...'

'Please don't say those things. I care nothing for them. I love you and I want you to come with me, so that we can always be together.'

'You know I can't,' she responded gently.

'Not now, but maybe later you change your mind.'

Feeling for him in his despair, while not wanting to lend him false hope she said, 'You must try to forget me now, Rico ...'

'Please let me come to say goodbye,' he interrupted. I want to look at you and hold you and kiss you one more time.'

'No, you mustn't do that,' she said. 'It'll only make it harder, for us both.' 'You can't stop me coming,' he said stubbornly. 'I know, but I'm asking you not to.' There was a long pause, then she heard the terrible anguish in his voice as he said, 'I will not give up hope, Julia. In my heart I know you are mine. You have made me so happy and so sad, maybe soon you will make me happy again.'

'No, someone else will do that,' she said softly. 'A beautiful Italian girl...'

'I don't want to hear you say those things. Please, don't say them, just tell me that you love me a little too.'

'It would be wrong of me to do that,' she replied.

'I will call you again when I get to my home,' he said abruptly. 'Please don't tell me not to, because I must.'

'OK,' she answered, not having the heart to refuse him, even though she knew she should.

'I go now,' he said, and before she could respond he'd put the phone down.

As she rang off too, she was imagining him in his room over at the house, packing and crying and knowing all the torment she was feeling in herself, and a very strong part of her wanted to go and comfort him. But it was for the best that he left now, without them seeing each other again, and before his feelings became any deeper, because there really never could be a future for them. She had much to thank him for though, not least the way he'd accepted her need for him to go.

If only Sylvia were so easily removed from Josh's life, she was thinking, as she continued to stare down at the phone. As the dread of what might be happening between them, even right now, this minute, took hold, an overwhelming panic started to seize her. It was so black and despairing and consuming that she could feel herself being sucked in deeper and deeper, so that it was hard to breathe and her whole body was shaking. Josh, please, please, she was crying inside. Don't do this. Don't leave me.

It took a while to steady herself, to make herself accept that she was creating scenarios that had no basis in reality. She had no idea where he was now, he might not be with Sylvia at all, and he could well be feeling just as bad about what was happening as she was. She wondered if it would make her feel any better if he asked about Rico, even if only to demand she gave him up, or to find out if he was still there, but since the day

Shannon had gone back, Rico's name hadn't been mentioned between them again - and now she was unable to stop reading all sorts of things into that.

Deciding that it really wouldn't be a good idea to call him while she was still so on edge, she started back to the table, telling herself that he might call first if she left it a while longer. She gazed down at the manuscript, trying to find the will to go on, then registering the voice on the radio behind her she quickly spun round, intending to cut the programme dead. Instead she froze as she heard Sylvia laugh airily and say, 'Oh yes, he's very special. Very special indeed.'

'Have you known him long?' the interviewer asked.

'Actually yes, but it's only recently that we started to fall in love.'

Julia stared at the radio in horror.

'So if you won't tell us who he is, what will you tell us about him?' the interviewer probed.

'Oh, let me see. Well, he's very handsome, and very successful, and he knows exactly how to handle me.' She laughed playfully.

'What does he do exactly? I mean as a profession. I take it he is a professional man?'

'He is, but right now I'll go no further than that.'

'Then when can we expect the big announcement?'

'But you've just had it,' Sylvia protested with a laugh, 'I'm in love with the most wonderful man, and he's in love with me. Isn't that enough?'

'But at some point, if, as you say, you're going to settle down with him, we'll have to know who he is, so why not now?'

'You're rushing me,' Sylvia chided.

'Then I have to ask if he's married.'

'To which I have to reply, he might be. Actually he is, but not for much longer ...'

Julia snatched up the phone and, hands shaking, somehow punched in Josh's number.

'Is she talking about you?' she demanded breathlessly when he answered.

'What?'

'Sylvia's on the radio and I need to know she's not talking about you.'

'I don't even know what she's saying,' he retorted furiously.

'She's telling everyone about the married man she's in love with, who's in love with her, and ...'

'Then of course she's not talking about me,' he cut in, 'now calm down, will you?'

'What do you mean calm down?' she almost screamed. 'She's just announced to the fucking world that you're not going to be married much longer ...'

'I'm not getting into this.'

'Don't you dare ring off. I want to know why that bitch is on the radio talking about the breakup of my marriage when you haven't even discussed it with me?'

'And nor have I discussed it with her. So whoever she's talking about, it's not me.'

'Then who is it?'

'How the hell do I know?

'You know what games she plays, and the timing of this ... Josh, what else am I supposed to think?'

You can think what you like, it doesn't make it a fact'

'Then I want to know if you've seen her.' 'You're in no position to be asking that question,' he said coldly. 'Tell me,' she shouted.

'I'm ending this call now, we'll speak again later when you've got yourself under control.'

'You bastard!' she screamed as he rang off. 'You bastard, you bastard,' and dropping the phone, she doubled over in anguish and despair. 'I'm going to kill you, or her, or somebody, because I can't take any more of this,' she sobbed, and suddenly grabbing the phone again she jabbed in Sylvia's mobile number.

'I want you to listen to this,' she raged as Sylvia answered, 'and I want you to listen hard, because these are the names that are going public if you go anywhere near my husband again.' Then in a voice shaking with fury she listed two top-level government officials, three senior publishing executives, one media mogul and several sportsmen, all married and all still very much in the public eye. She then rounded it off by saying, 'You're a slut, Sylvia, a sad, sorry, pretentious little slut who preys on other women's husbands because she can't get a man of her own. I know, better than anyone, how you got to where you are, because you shagged Jack McKenzie - an eighty-seven-year-old man who was your boss and mine - when you were only twenty-three, and then you promised him more if he did the right thing with your book. And he got more, didn't he, because you'll turn it on for anyone, as long

as you get what you want out of it. Oh, I'm not saying you don't have talent, but you're even better as a whore. And now you're trying to get your claws into Josh, thinking you'll be able to take from me the one thing I've always had that you never have, a man who totally loves you. Well, dream on, Sylvia, because it's not going to happen. You don't have what it takes to hold onto a man - if you did, you'd have done it by now. You think the whole world finds you fascinating and mysterious and sexy, but you're nothing but a waste of space. No-one has any real time for you, so why don't you do us all a favour and drive a stake through your own heart?'

She was about to hang up when Sylvia said, 'Pretty speech, darling, but I have to wonder what you're getting so worked up about if you're so certain Josh still loves you,' and before Julia could respond she cut the line dead.