The Mill House (46 page)

'Sure. So does that mean you're going to start your search again?'

Julia turned
TO
her. 'I have to know the truth,' she said. 'I mean, I know my father loved me now, and that it wasn't anything I did that made him go, but I have to find out what it was.'

Fen sighed and stared out towards the colourless horizon. 'It won't be that,' she said, being party now to Julia's worst nightmare,
'
I know it won't.' Wishing the evidence wasn't pointing so

strongly to it, Julia said, 'I'm sorry I told you now. If I hadn't, your memories would always remain intact.'

'No, I'm glad you did. I knew something wasn't right, that you were more nervous about what you were going to find than you were admitting to - and he was your father, not mine, so I don't have a right to ...'

'You have every right,' Julia assured her. 'You knew him for over twenty years, and considered him family.'

Fen was about to respond when an exuberant scream erupted from the waves, and they both turned to watch Dan gleefully wobbling about on his board, before crashing back into the surf.

An hour later, after changing in the cars with the heaters up high, they were all seated around the fire at the Oyster Catcher up on one of the headlands, sipping hot toddies, or, in Dan's case, a grandfather mug of thick, frothy cocoa. Outside rain was lashing the windows, and the sea was churning up ready for a mighty storm.

'You're going to sleep well tonight,' Julia said, ruffling Dan's hair as he yawned.

He nodded and let his head drop against her.

'You did good today,' David told him. 'He was up on the second go,' he informed Fen.

Julia smiled at his kindly face, and was just asking him about the times he'd taken her father surfing, when Fen's mobile rang.

Glancing at the readout Fen clicked on and said, 'Hi. Where are you?' After listening to the reply, she said, 'That's right... No, I haven't. You weren't too sure when we last spoke, so I thought... Yes,

we're here. You're virtually outside, so why don't you come and join us?' There were several seconds during which she didn't appear to be receiving the response she expected, then excusing herself she got up and walked away from the table. 'I'll have fish and chips when you order,' she called back over her shoulder to David.

'Consider it done,' David saluted, and turned back to the others. 'Must be Bob having a difficult time over something. So where were we?'

'You were going to tell Mum about taking Grandpa surfing,' Dan reminded him, but before he could answer Dan suddenly remembered the high spot of his own day, when he'd stayed up longer than David, and leaping forward he began excitedly to recount it.

Chuckling, Charles leaned in to Julia and said, 'Did you know David and I are trying to adopt? If we could have one like him ...'

Julia gazed at her son adoringly. 'I confess there's no-one else in the world I'd surf for in the middle of November,' she responded, 'and as for having sand in places where there shouldn't be sand, the last time that happened ...' Was with Josh on a moonlit beach in Barbados. She smiled weakly 'You probably won't want to hear about that,' she said.

Charles's eyes were twinkling. 'I think I get the picture,' he said. 'So now, when would you like me to pick up this box?'

'Oh, I don't want to put you to any trouble. I can bring it to you. I'd like to see your workshop anyway.'

'You're on, but it's a bit of a mess. We carpenters

aren't known for our orderliness. Well, not this one anyway. So, if you don't mind that, pop it along any time.'

'Thanks. It'll have to be when I get back from London now. We're leaving first thing.' She glanced up as Fen came back round the corner, then suddenly her smile drained and her heart stood still.

There was a long moment as she and Josh looked at each other, then Dan spotted him and yelled, 'Dad!' and charged into Josh's arms. 'I've been surfing today,' he told him, 'and I was really good. I got up on the second go, and I even beat David, who's really experienced and has been doing it all his life ...'

Josh was smiling, and sweeping Dan's hair back from his face. 'Sounds like you've been having a good time,' he commented.

'Oh yes, the best. And Mum's really good too. Well, not like David and Charles, but she manages to stay up sometimes, don't you Mum?'

Julia attempted a nod, but her insides were in freefall as she looked at Josh, who now seemed to be avoiding her - however, if she'd been in any doubt of how much she loved him, which she hadn't, it would have been swept away in these few seconds. The force of her reaction to his familiar face, and the pull inside her that seemed to connect her straight to him, were so overpowering that her entire body seemed to be locked in its might. 'I didn't realise you were coming,' she said, getting up.

'I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it,' he replied, his eyes still on Dan. David was on his feet. 'Hi,

it's good to see you again,' he said, reaching for Josh's hand. 'I don't think you met Charles the last time you were here.'

'No. it's a pleasure,' Josh said, shaking Charles's hand.

'Likewise,' Charles responded. 'I was just remarking to Julia what a great boy you have.'

Josh smiled and tilted Dan's face up to his. 'He's not bad,' he responded.

'I'm a champion surfer,' Dan informed him.

'With two new heroes, by the sound of it.'

'Oh, they're the best,' Dan assured him. Then to David and Charles, 'But you should see my dad when he skis. He goes down all the black slopes, and he's really, really good. Mum does it too, and sometimes they have a race and he lets her win.'

Julia laughed. 'Rubbish, I beat him every time,' she declared, wishing Josh would look at her.

Josh's smile was wry, but he added nothing to the banter.

'Can I get you a drink?' David offered.

'Just a beer, thanks,' Josh answered.

'Tell you what,' Fen piped up, 'if you two want to go somewhere else, we'll be happy to take care of Dan and bring him home.'

Julia looked at Josh, and felt her heart twist at the signs of strain on his face.

'No, here's fine,' he said, settling in next to Dan.

Struggling to hide her disappointment, Julia gave Fen a look to convey appreciation for the thoughtfulness, to which Fen could do no more than shrug until they went to the bar to order the food.

'He called me earlier,' she said. 'Apparently he

was seeing an author down this way, and thought he might come over. He didn't want me to tell you in case he couldn't make it.'

Though Julia knew Josh had an author in Launceston, she was doubtful that was the reason he'd come all this way, since he didn't normally make personal visits to clients who earned him less than ten thousand a year. So she could only conclude that he wanted to talk. She'd like to think it was about her going back, but if it were, he'd surely have waited until she was in London, which meant he could be here to discuss making their separation official.

'So how are you feeling now you've seen him?' Fen asked.

Julia's eyes closed as she took a breath. 'A moment ago I was nervous as hell,' she confessed. 'Now I almost want to go out and shoot myself.'

Fen's eyebrows rose, but there was no time for Julia to explain what she meant, as Dan turned up to make a last-minute change to his order.

Considering how awkward the evening could have been with so much tension between them, it somehow managed to pass quite smoothly, though Julia was horribly aware of how little contact Josh was making with her, and how her every attempt to engage with him was being politely, though effectively blocked. Whether anyone else noticed was impossible to tell, for they were certainly far too well mannered to let it show, though Fen's whispered remark as they left the pub was still resonating with Julia when she got back to the house.

'He's here, it's a start,' she'd said.

Julia only wished she could feel the optimism the words were meant to convey, but her heart was tight with foreboding as Josh carried a sleeping Dan into the house and together they struggled to undress him and put him to bed.

'I would have brought him back,' she said, watching him gaze down at Dan's face. 'I wasn't planning on keeping him.'

Josh made no comment as he stooped to kiss Dan's forehead.

'That's why you came, isn't it?' she said, trying to keep her voice steady. 'You were afraid I...'

'Do we have to have this conversation with him in the room?' Josh interrupted.

Refraining from pointing out that he was asleep, she kissed Dan too, then left Josh to turn out the light.

'Can I get you anything?' she offered when he joined her in the kitchen.

He shook his head.

For several moments they stood in silence, until he said, in answer to her earlier remark, 'It's not why I came.'

A faint flicker of relief stirred inside her, but soon died when his eyes failed to meet hers, and then the dread that she'd managed to keep in check all evening began to grow into a terrible burn of fear. He'd come because he, or Shannon, or both, didn't want her in the house tomorrow - or because he wanted her to respond to the papers his solicitor had sent. He could even be suing for full custody of the children ... Her heart was beating too fast, her mind was in turmoil, and in a futile attempt to stall whatever it was, she said,

'Are you planning to stay here tonight? I can always sleep on the sofa. It converts into ...'

'I've booked into a B & B just up the road,' he cut in.

Feeling the jolt of that as if it were a blow, she turned away and for something to do put on the kettle.

'I wanted to see you,' he told her, 'because I needed to find out how I'd feel when I did.' He took a breath. 'Shannon still insists she doesn't want you to come back, but I think she says it more for me now.'

Hardly daring to hope, she kept her back to him as she said, 'Does that mean you do?'

'I don't know.'

She turned round and wondered if she'd ever wanted to hold him more.

'I miss you, I'm not going to deny that,' he said. 'I just don't know if it can work.'

'Neither of us will know unless we try.'

His head went down as he slid his hands into his pockets. 'The problem is, I'm not sure I feel the same way about you now.'

Though her heart shrank from the words, she forced herself not to respond, and merely said, 'I wish you'd stay here tonight, for Dan's sake, if not for mine.'

His eyes narrowed, and for a moment he seemed to be considering it, but then he shook his head and said, 'No, it's best this way.'

She continued to look at him, willing him to bring his eyes back to hers, but he wouldn't. In the end, deciding to throw caution to the wind and just be truthful, she said, 'I want us to get

back together, Josh. I love you, I've always loved you and I've never stopped wanting you. Even now ...'

His hands went up as though to block her, though it was several seconds before he said, 'I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but for the first time in my life I feel nothing when I look at you, so if you were about to try and talk me into bed, please spare us both the embarrassment, because it's not going to happen.'

Her eyes flashed with hurt. 'Actually, I was going to say, even now, after all we've been through, I still love you more than I've ever loved anyone,' she replied.

A look of cynicism came into his eyes. 'Of course, it's young Italians you want to go to bed with, isn't it?' he said. 'Forgive my conceit.'

'Josh, don't do this,' she cried. 'Please just try to understand that the only reason it worked with him was because I wasn't afraid he was going to leave me. All my abandonment issues, the locked-in terror, the fear of really letting go, it's because I was afraid you were going to leave me, reject me the way my father did. But I don't think I have that fear any more. I can't say for certain ...'

'No-one's asking you to.'

'For heaven's sake, let's stop making this all about sex. We've got two children, a whole life, a history. You can't just want to throw it all away. It has to mean something. It has to be worth fighting for. If we can just give it a try. Josh listen,' she urged as his eyes moved sharply away. 'I've had to forgive you for Sylvia ...'

'It's not the same thing, and you know it,' he cut in angrily. 'I wasn't rejecting you ...'

'I know, I understand that...'

' ... it was you I'd have been with, if you'd let me. I'd never even have looked at another woman if you hadn't kept turning me away, but there clearly wasn't any problem for you when it came to Rico, was there? In fact, you were obviously so rampant for him that you didn't even give a thought for your own daughter.'

'I'm not going to attempt to make excuses for what I did,' she responded, trying to keep her voice down, 'it was wrong and I fully admit that, but it still has to be said, if you hadn't been sleeping with Sylvia, it would never have happened.'

'Oh for Christ's sake, make it my fault...'

'It was both our faults, but that's not what matters now, is it? What matters is not allowing it to do any more damage than it already has. Please Josh, let's try to find each other again. It's what I want, and I don't care what you say, I can't believe you don't want it too.'