The Nanny (14 page)

Vanessa sat in the Monday morning status meeting hunched over her coffee, wondering why they didn't sell it in pints. Tallulah had woken her twice in the night, once at four and once at six, and it had taken her an hour to get back to sleep both times. Unlike all the other passengers in the train that morning, she'd been grateful when it stopped for ten minutes between stations because it gave her a clear run to do her makeup, catch her breath, and remember her name.

She'd sat opposite a teenager who was obviously on her way into town for a shopping day. She'd been unable to tear her eyes away from the young girl, trying to remember the teenager she'd been, able to do things purely for her own happiness in blissful ignorance of how selfish that would one day seem. It was as if the minute she'd become a mother, the definition of the word “selfish” had become gender-specific. A man could play golf all weekend and still be a family man. A woman could earn money all week, spend every spare moment with her children, and be selfish because she wanted both. One day she'd write a tome on the subject. When she had time.

“And that's it,” finished Tricia, Vanessa's junior. Vanessa stared at Tricia and was only a little surprised to find Tricia staring back at her. The girl must have finished updating.

“Thank you, Tricia,” said Vanessa, and proceeded to update everyone on the VC project so far. She was so tired she failed to notice an increasing intensity in Anthony Harrison's stare. And she was completely unable to surmise that he was matching up certain key facts about her to certain key facts about his dream last night.

“So,” she concluded, “I'll be seeing Miranda Simmonds, the marketing director for VC, again tomorrow, and after we've chatted, I'll be able to brief the creative team. Shall we say nine
a.m
. Wednesday?”

“We can't do nine, I'm afraid,” said Tom. “We've got a meeting with Happy Kids.”

“Afternoon?”

“Elephant plasters.”

Vanessa sighed. They had to get the ball rolling soon.

“How about 5:30?” asked Tom. “That way we don't lose another day, and I get to miss bathtime with the twins. So everybody's happy.”

Vanessa managed a tight smile.

“And we can go for a quick celebratory drink afterward,” added Anthony.

Vanessa didn't have the energy to argue. She made a note to tell Jo that she'd have to pick up Cassie from choir practice.

After the meeting Anthony caught up with her in the corridor. “I look forward to being briefed by you.” He brushed past, his hips almost touching hers.

“Oh. I'll look forward to giving it to you. I mean—”

“Terrific.”

 

Jo ironed happily, humming to herself while Josh read some notes, his foot resting on the kitchen table, a cat nudged up against his heel. When her mobile rang, Jo went into her bedroom to answer it.

“There you are!” shrieked Sheila. “I thought they'd eaten you!”

“Sheila!” screamed Jo, coming back into the kitchen. “Oh my God, how are you?”

“Neglected, you old bitch.”

“God, sorry. I've just been so busy.”

“Obviously. Far too busy to phone me.” Jo could sense a steel rod beneath the fluffy tone.

“Sorry, Shee.”

“So! I hear you've got a new friend.”

“Eh?” Jo tucked the phone under her ear as she continued with the ironing.

“Shaun told me. Some bird called Pippa. Does that mean I'll be getting even fewer calls now?”

Jo stopped ironing. “Shee, please. Don't give me a hard time. It's not been easy. I—”

Jo was interrupted by the doorbell. She looked over at Josh. He glanced up and started moving his foot off the kitchen table. When he had to hide a wince, Jo motioned for him to stop trying.

“Shee,” she said, “I have to go. There's someone at the door.”

“Right,” said Sheila. “Bye.” And she'd gone.

“Sorry,” said Josh. “This bloody leg.”

The doorbell interrupted again and Jo rushed to the door. She opened it to Agnita, the smiling Polish au pair who worked nearby and who came to the Fitzgeralds' twice a week to do any ironing that wasn't the children's. Jo was convinced Agnita never wore knickers and today, as she followed her down the hall, it was more than usually obvious because she'd chosen to wear skintight white leggings. Jo found herself drawn to her amazingly pert, round bottom and scolded herself for being grateful that Agnita's face had the bone structure of an archaeological find.

She glanced at the clock and saw that she had ten minutes to spare before picking up Tallulah. She imagined what Pippa would do in the same situation. She went into her room and and dialed Sheila's number. Damn. Busy. She left a message explaining that she was terribly sorry she hadn't been able to talk and she had loads to tell her. Then she tried Shaun. Damn. Also busy. She left a message telling him that she couldn't wait until he came and visited. Then she paced round her room and went back into the kitchen. She wasn't surprised to see Josh's fingers hovering above his keyboard, his eyes fixed on Agnita's bottom.

“Busy?” she asked pointedly, making sure he saw her smile.

He grinned. “Oh yes.”

Unaware, Agnita smiled pleasantly up at Jo, and Jo smiled extremely widely back.

“Right,” she told them both. “I'll be off to get Tallulah.” She turned to Josh. “Don't do anything I wouldn't do.”

Agnita smiled, and behind her Josh looked ostentatiously despondent. Jo slammed the front door behind her, wondering what the definition of “flirting” was.

 

As he heard the door slam, Josh sighed heavily. With some effort, he lifted his foot off the kitchen table and limped out into the back garden, where he settled himself on a bench. After a moment, he took out his mobile and dialed his father's number at the shop.

“Hello?” said Dick.

“Dad, it's me.”

“How are you feeling?”

Josh gave himself a moment.

“Impotent. You?”

“Resigned.”

“Don't say that. You took a risk, and it didn't pay off. I'm still going to try and help.”

“How?”

“Just leave it to me.”

Dick sighed. “I can't believe I got myself into this mess.”

“Dad, stop torturing yourself.”

There was a pause.

“It would have all been okay,” said Josh, “if it wasn't for that screw up that night.”

“Why couldn't you have just used your key?” asked Dick.

“'Cos someone forgot to tell me the nanny lived off the kitchen, didn't they? I thought I was going to be beaten to death.”

“Well where do you think the nanny lives?”

“I don't know! Under the stairs? We don't have nannies in bachelor pads. More's the pity.”

Dick let out a sigh.

“And then,” continues Josh. “Vanessa goes and gives her a raise! Don't get me wrong, I don't want the girl to starve, but—”

“I know. It's not ideal, Josh, and I'm sorry. After everything you've—”

“No, Dad, I'm sorry. I just…wanted to help. I messed up again.”

“Josh, you're helping by just being there.”

Josh stayed silent.

“Son, you are not responsible for my…for this.”

More silence.

“I better get back now,” said Dick. “Bye, son.”

In the record shop, Dick put down the phone, picked up his jacket, and locked the door behind him for the third time that morning. Josh wiped his face furiously on his sleeve, limped back into the kitchen, and resumed his work.

It was teatime and Jo had invited Pippa and Georgiana over to play. Sebastian James joined them because his mother was at a vital Pilates lesson. Jo was obliging Zak by wearing a cat outfit, which consisted of a black-and-white furry cat hat with cat ears, cat mittens, and a proud black-and-white cat tail, while he painstakingly drew her. Over tea and Marks & Spencer chocolate squares, Zak filled in his drawing of Jo as Catwoman, Jo filled Pippa in about Shaun's visit, and Sebastian James filled his nappy.

“Where shall I take Shaun?” asked Jo. “I'd ask Gerry, but I don't feel it's appropriate.”

“Ooh,” said Pippa. “So you
do
like Gerry?”

“No.” Jo frowned. “Not like that.”

“So why are you keeping him interested?”

“For you! He might have a friend.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh God,” said Jo. “I'm so confused.”

“Why?”

Jo looked at Zak. “You know…” she said. Zak didn't even look up. He was filling in Jo's cat tail.

Pippa mouthed, “Josh,” and Jo nodded.

“Told him yet?”

Jo shook her head, and Pippa tutted, then dunked her chocolate square in her tea and sucked contentedly.

“How's the picture of Catwoman going?” Jo asked Zak.

Zak didn't look up from his drawing. “Fine.”

“Pippa,” said Jo, turning back to Pippa, “either Sebastian James needs changing, or you've got a serious problem.”

“I know. I was seeing how long I could leave it.”

“Well, give it another ten minutes and I'll be sick.”

Pippa looked at her watch. “Okay.”

Five minutes later his picture was finished, and while Pippa changed Sebastian James, Zak performed the unveiling ceremony in front of Jo.

Her ears were a bit big, one arm was longer than the other, and she only had one leg, but apart from that it was an uncanny resemblance, especially the bouncy tail, which seemed to defy gravity.

“That's fantastic, Zak!” she cried. “Look! I've got a tail!”

“Of course you've got a tail,” said Zak. “You're Catwoman. Can I have my Fruitellas now?”

“Not till after tea.”

When the mummy of Sam, one of Zak's best friends phoned, Jo answered it happily. “I'm not accusing him of anything,” said Sam's mum wearily over the phone. “It's just that Sam can't find his tortoise anywhere, and he's distraught.”

“Of course I'll ask,” said Jo. “I'll call you straight back and let you know.”

She clicked off the phone and sat next to Zak, swishing her tail deftly out of the way.

“Zak,” she said.

“Mm.”

“That was Sam's mummy.”

Zak went quiet.

“Sam's very upset.”

“Mm?”

“Because he thinks he's lost his toy tortoise.”

Zak shrugged.

“Do you want to go upstairs and have a good look and see if you didn't bring it home accidentally?”

For a few seconds Zak's body seemed to fight itself, but finally the part that knew there was no point in arguing stomped upstairs, furious that the other half of his body hadn't been stronger.

“
I can't find it!”
he shouted immediately.

“Do you want me to come up and help you look?”

“Found it!”

Jo crossed her arms.

Zak came downstairs and produced a tiny plastic tortoise for her to inspect. A deep flush had spread all over his cheeks and he couldn't look her in the eye.

“I'm not pleased, Zak,” said an unimpressed Catwoman.

“I just FOUND it.”

“Don't lie to me, Zak,” said Jo firmly. “If there's one thing I cannot bear, it's lying.”

Zak felt surprisingly icky.

“I'm going to phone Sam's mummy,” she said.

“It was an accident!”

Once the call had been made, she went upstairs and found Zak sitting on his bed.

“It was an accident!” he repeated, though with decreasing vehemence.

Jo sat down on the bed, her tail perkily behind her.

“Zak. How would you feel if Sam came here and took home your cyberdog?”

Zak's foot started tapping and he took in air like a fish out of water, a useless displacement activity his body did to stop tears coming. “It was an accident,” he whispered, but the tears gave him away.

“You've stolen something, then lied about it,” said Jo sadly.

Zak fell facedown onto his pillow as she left the room.

 

After changing Sebastian James's nappy, Pippa helped Jo compile a list of the top London clubs, wine bars, and restaurants to introduce Shaun to and help make the weekend go with a bang, “'Cos it doesn't look like there'll be much other banging going on,” she told Jo.

Tallulah entered.

“I need to do a poo,” she announced with great aplomb.

When the doorbell rang, Jo grimaced at Pippa. “That's probably Josh back from his walk, forgotten his key again. You don't mind getting it do you? Tallulah and I have a prior engagement.”

“Course not,” said Pippa. “Can't wait to see the famous Joshua Fitzgerald.”

Pippa went to answer the door, holding Sebastian James in his car seat against her hip. The sun shone on her blond hair, showing up the hazel flecks in her eyes, as she grinned openly at the two tall men in suits standing at the door.

Nick and Gerry looked at her keenly and, thanks to years of undercover training, remembered not to pant.

“Hello!” said Pippa to Nick.

“Hello!” said Nick and Gerry.

They all grinned happily at each other.

“Can I help?” asked Pippa.

“We just came to pop in on Jo,” said Gerry.

“Well,
he
did,” explained Nick. “I just came along for the ride.”

Pippa and Nick smiled at each other. “Well,” said Pippa, as seductively as she could, “Jo's just wiping Tallulah's bottom, would you like to come in?”

“How could we refuse?” answered Nick, and the two men entered the house.

When Jo and Tallulah came into the kitchen a while later, they found an intriguing sight. One CID officer was reading
How Much Do I Love You?
to Sebastian James at the kitchen table, the other sitting in the conservatory armchair with Georgiana on his lap, reading
Whatever Next?

Nick and Gerry also found an intriguing sight. Jo stood long-limbed in front of them, wearing a furry cat hat with pointy ears, mittens, and a bouncy tail. The sun that had done such favors for Pippa's hair was making Jo's dark blue eyes look all the more feline.

“'Allo, 'allo, 'allo,” greeted Nick. “Looks like we've found our cat burglar.”

“Do you think we should take her away for questioning?” suggested Gerry.

“You brought your dog-crap friend!” Jo laughed.

“Well, actually—” started Nick, glancing at Pippa, who grinned back at him.

“They've been reading to the children,” said Pippa. “Looks like our work here is done!”

Tallulah, yet to learn the complex ways of feminine guile, ran up to the nearest man in the room. “I did a poo!” she exclaimed.

“Did you?” asked Gerry. “Uncle Nicholas likes those.”

Tallulah turned to Nick obediently. “I did a poo!” she told him.

“Well done!” he said sincerely. Truth was he never failed to be impressed by those. The lads at the station would understand (“I just gave birth to a seven pounder…” “That's nothing, mate, I needed stitches last Tuesday…” “Bollocks. Until either of you get a nosebleed, I'm still King of the Craps,” etc).

“It wasn't as squidgy as yesterday,” continued Tallulah.

“Really?” asked Nick. “Excellent.”

He then looked at Jo apologetically. “Did you get it off the duvet?”

Tallulah let out a gale of laughter. “I didn't do it on the duvet, silly!” she giggled. “He's being silly!” she informed Jo.

“Yes, thanks.” Jo grinned at Nick. “First wash.”

“Just let me find that dog in a dark alley,” said Nick. “It'll be crapping sideways for a month.”

“Ooh,” quivered Pippa. “Sexy.”

Tallulah giggled so much she almost fell over. The laughter caught her body unawares, and she let out a neat little trumpet.

“I did a
fart
!” she cried gleefully.

“Well done!” congratulated Nick and Gerry, genuinely impressed. At last, a female they could talk to.

“I'll tell you what you can do to make up for it though,” teased Jo.

“Dinner for two?” asked Gerry.

“No. You can show a good little six-year-old boy your badge.”

“I didn't do a poo on the
duvet
, silly!” repeated Tallulah, climbing onto the lap of the nearest man. But he seemed far more interested in the sight of Jo wandering off with a pussycat tail bouncing up and down on her J-Lo bottom.

While Jo went upstairs to tell Zak the exciting news, Pippa, Tallulah, and Georgiana made the men a cup of tea. Alone in the room, the two men exchanged meaningful glances.

“I'd rather show her something else than my badge, Nicholas, if you know what I mean,” Gerry whispered.

“Shh!” said Nick, putting his hands over Sebastian James's ears. “Not in front of the littl'un, Gerrard.”

“Sorry, Nicholas. Wasn't thinking.”

 

Jo put her head round Zak's door.

“Zak,” she whispered.

Zak was perched on the edge of his bed, head tilted slightly, feet crossed at the toes, eyes wide, watching Buffy about to kick the hell out of a vampire. He pressed the
pause
button and pointed at the screen.

“Look!” he said. “She's about to boff him!”

“Ooh! Lovely! I've got a surprise for you.”

Zak's eyes doubled in size.

“What?”

“Guess who's downstairs!”

“Who?”

“You'll like it,” she said.

“Batman?”

“No.”

“Spider-Man?”

“No.”

“Yoda!”

“This may take some time.”

“Daddy?”

Jo thought she'd better tell him before it became too much of a bitter disappointment.

“Two real live policemen.”

Zak gasped in horror, his face turning purple.

“It was an accident!” he shrieked, backing away against the wall.
“I'm not going to prison!
”

Jo realized her mistake, but not before Zak had gone through the terror barrier and come back again.

He got his Fruitellas early that afternoon.

 

During the afternoon with Nick and Gerry, Jo managed to mention Shaun casually a few times, helped by prompts from Pippa, and she felt sure that Gerry clearly received and understood the message. In fact he seemed to have taken it very well. So when both men invited her and Pippa out in a foursome to the cinema the following Saturday, the weekend after Shaun's visit, she felt confident that it was all aboveboard.

Unfortunately Josh got home from his slow ankle-strengthening stroll round Waterlow Park before the men had left, after Pippa had gone and before she'd taken her outfit off.

When he entered the kitchen, she was reaching up, blu-tacking Zak's picture of her to the top of the fridge door. She felt the atmosphere change and swung round, her tail bouncing behind her. Josh was standing in the doorway looking at Nick and Gerry. Then he turned to her, paused in what looked like midthought, and blinked. She stood tall while he slowly took everything in. Her hand shot to her curvy tail and rested on it defensively as Josh's eyes went to her black-and-white furry hat and fluffy ears, and then slid downward. She tried to smile, then tried not to. Eventually, he looked back at her eyes.

The room was silent.

Josh lifted his eyebrows. “Coppers follow your tail then?” he queried quietly.

Gerry laughed, and the room seemed to breathe out. “Too right, mate.”

“Hello,” said Josh, in a faux-cheerful tone. “It's Maverick and Dog Crap. Back again?”

“Looks like it,” said Gerry, just as cheerfully.

Josh glanced at Jo before turning to Gerry. “Have a nice time.” And with that, he went into the living room.

Jo raised her eyes heavenward and caught a glimpse of the clock. With a start, she realized she was late for Cassandra's pickup from choir practice. Within five minutes, she'd got the policemen, Tallulah, and Zak out. She drove like a maniac to find the little girl sitting miserably on the school wall. Not even the sight of Jo wearing cat ears cheered her up.

 

“Right, let's get started,” Vanessa told Anthony and Tom, crossing one stockinged leg over the other.

Anthony coughed quietly, lowering his face into his hand.

“I've spent a fascinating morning with VC, and here's what they want,” she began.

“They want fast, they want funny, they want friendly.”

“Right,” said Tom, making to stand up. “We'll get on to it.”

“I haven't finished.”

“How did I know that?” He sat down again.

“They want bubbly, clean-cut, clean-shaven, clean-living, white, heterosexual, happy, family-loving, new Labour-voting but growing cynical, preferably with blue eyes.”

“Right.”

“The key thought is ‘Takes you to another world.'”

Tom and Anthony wrote down all this information.

“What color underwear would they like?” asked Tom.

Vanessa sighed. “VC are fascists. I'm not apologizing, I'm just telling you.”

“We were hoping to get a dwarf in the ad” said Tom, for the hell of it.

Vanessa smiled. “I was hoping I'd get a holiday before the summer,” she said. “Life's a bitch.”

Anthony laughed.

“It looks like their marketing director is the biggest cow in the world,” she continued.