The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant (11 page)

Of course, the danger here is that my desires may interfere with my judgment. The partial solution is a lot of introspection on my part.

If the discussion turns from abstract to specific, I do not deny my impulses, but avoid all terms like “domination,” “submission,” “sadism,” “masochism,” “bondage” or “discipline.” These are emotionally laden terms that are defined slightly differently by every individual. Nor do I speak in terms of my needs and desires. Instead, I tell her what I enjoy doing for my partner, while stressing the sensuality and respect. As in the initial stages of all BDSM relationships, I try to earn the degree of trust that will allow her to submit to me.

Despite the teachings of certain psychological schools, my experience is that not all women are submissive and only a relatively small percentage of them can act on submissive tendencies. However, through these approaches, I have been able to make some wonderful friendships and build a number of lasting relationships.

These techniques can also be used by dominant women to find a submissive man who has not yet declared, or perhaps even realized, his submissive nature. For example, the sensual bondage scenes in Basic Instinct or Exit to Eden are a sure conversation starter. Also, because of fashion, women are able to send more overt signals than men about their orientation. A man wearing a kinky leather outfit with a whip earring will probably be taken as gay by many women. A woman in similar regalia will certainly rate a second look from most men, even those who haven’t explored their submissive desires.

The greater latitude for accessories is also a factor. Outside of the punk rock scene, handcuffs aren’t a common accessory for men. However, a woman can casually dismiss one hanging from her belt with “The chrome sets off my black dress.”

The differences in body language between men and women can also work for the dominant woman on the prowl. While a man would be unwise to assume anything about a woman who dropped her eyes in the face of an appraising stare, a woman who gets that reaction from a man would be wise to press her advantage.

A word of warning, novice dominant: women often restrict their search to men who are overtly submissive and/ or effeminate. Experienced ones report that they find their most satisfactory conquests among aggressive, masculine men. It is unwise to dismiss any specific “type” from consideration. Submissives are everywhere. They just need to be found.

Winning Over the Vanilla Lover or Spouse

A common situation in marriages or long-term relationships is one member discovering or finally admitting to a BDSM orientation, leading to the problem of convincing the other to join in these activities. If you are in that situation and hoping to convince your partner to submit to you, you may have a difficult task.

As I’ve written previously, even when submissive feelings are strong, admitting to them is a traumatic experience. For someone who does not have these feelings, being asked to act the submissive role is intimidating and humiliating. If, on the other hand, you have discovered deep submissive drives within yourself, there is a short section addressed to your specific needs at the end of this chapter.

When you suggest the possibility of trying BDSM games, never use the terms S&M or B&D. Even the less familiar BDSM should stay in the closet for a while. Perhaps your major problem is that most people think they know what these things are all about; the mere fact that they are dead wrong doesn’t alter the situation.

Sit down and think. What turns you on? Everything? Come on. Scat? Golden showers? Blood sports? Let’s cut it down to the bone. What is it that you want? If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it.

You, as a dominant, should practice putting yourself “in the submissive’s head.” Put yourself in the place of a vanilla person whose spouse has admitted a liking for sadism. Do images of Ted Bundy or The Blond Bitch of Buchenwald leap to mind? They should.

If you stir up these fears, the only people who will benefit are divorce lawyers. What you need to put in your lover’s head is the image of your true desires. You also need to stir the emotions your lover may have repressed. There are several ways to do this and none of them are mutually exclusive. They can be combined as you see fit. After all, you are strongly attached to his person. Who could know him or her better than you?

One approach is the direct one. If bondage is your turn on, bring to bed a scarf or the belt from a bathrobe. Don’t charge right in; mix a lot of horseplay with play bondage. Normally, a scarf is terrible for serious bondage, but we are talking light play right now. Share the fun; let him or her have a go at tying you up.

Stimulation is trickier on a direct approach. You must be certain it is recognized both consciously and unconsciously as sexual and not punitive. Spanking is probably the best “entry level” stimulation. It is familiar and doesn’t involve instruments that might evoke a negative response. (“Where in hell did you get that?”)

One approach I have used when dating overtly vanilla women is to exclaim during sex, “You bad girl! You scratched me with your fingernail.” No woman, even the most dedicated nail-biter, will feel entirely comfortable claiming innocence. “You should be punished for that.” Then, I pull her over my lap and give her a few swats with one hand, while keeping her well excited with the other. Spanking can also combined with intercourse positions. Just put him or her on top and swing away.

When converting a vanilla lover, as with seeking out a submissive lover, talking about books and movies is a good way to lead to conversation to your own desires. Before I got into a relationship with a romance author, I had always dismissed romance novels as chaste escapism. They may be escapism, but they are not chaste. A husband who discovers dominant tendencies and whose wife reads authors like Rosemary Rogers, Jayne Krentz and Sandra Brown is halfway to heaven. Read a few of her romance books. Then let her “catch” you doing it. Suggest that some of the scenes in them are “interesting.” It is a wonderful duel that both of you can win.

Otherwise, bring home a few books to leave where she can find them. As I noted before, writing by Anne Rice, A.N. Roquelaure, Anne Rampling are a nice start to introducing someone to BDSM fantasies.

The original
Joy of Sex
has a nice section on bondage; unfortunately, later printings have watered it down. Madonna, the lady who made sleaze nice, has several books where she sings the praises of BDSM.

Vanilla videotapes abound with BDSM scenes. Bring some home for an evening of watching. A casual comment while watching
Bull Durham
like, “Wow, doesn’t Susan Sarandon look like she is having fun,” or, “I bet he enjoys that,” can begin an illuminating conversation. Avoid X-rated BDSM DVDs. They are so intense they can be threatening. Remember, you want to keep it fun and non-threatening. Some vanilla films that have good bondage scenes are
Bull Durham, The Collector
and
The Nightcomers.
Spanking fans have particularly recommended John Wayne’s
McClintock. Secretary
is a wonderful exploration of the world of dominance and submission. Some dominants may be a bit put off by the presentation of the male dominant, but if they are honest with themselves, they’ll recognize the hesitance and fear that’s behind his actions.

Generally, the only reason most television talk shows have BDSM subjects is to attack them. Don’t watch them live with your spouse. First, tape them and consider how effective each would be as a recruiting tool. Casually slip the good ones into your evening viewing.

Always keep it light and move slowly and patiently. There is a, probably apocryphal, story in the scene about a man who greeted his wife while dressed completely in leather, wearing a leather mask and carrying a bullwhip. While she stood there in shock, he proclaimed, “You are now my slave. I am your master. Your only thought is to please me.”She recovered from her shock, place kicked his balls up to about his neck and went back to cooking dinner.

As I said, slowly and carefully.

Bringing out the dominance in your spouse

A submissive approaching a vanilla spouse for domination faces a somewhat less complex, but more confusing, situation.

Right now, some of you are probably thinking, “This is a book for dominants. Why is this here?” The answer is simple. Submissives may buy this book to give their vanilla lovers. Why cheat them of an opportunity for happiness? – Besides, including them is a way for me to boost my royalties.

First, I’ll speak to the novice submissive. Before you approach your significant other you need to narrow things down to specifics in your own mind. It isn’t enough to admit to a desire to be dominated. What one person calls hot play can be either lukewarm tapioca or unthinking brutality to another.

Look into your own fantasies and decide where you really want to start. The two of you will be beginning a journey of exploration and having a firm starting point will make things easier later on. You need to decide what your absolute turn-offs are.

One danger in broaching this subject is that you may initially agree to do some things that you really don’t feel comfortable with or absolutely turn you off. If you backtrack later, this can be confusing to your partner, who may take it as a rejection or betrayal. You are probably both quite insecure right now. Consistency is the best course for the beginner. However, there is nothing wrong with admitting some things both attract and frighten you and telling your partner that you might like to try these later. It is also OK to find that you really don’t like something. That is what safewords are for.

Give this section to your lover and ask him or her to read it if you think it’s appropriate.

You’re probably a bit confused at this point. Someone you thought you knew pretty well has admitted to a passion you may not even have suspected. But, think about it; you have been given a profound compliment. A lot of trust has gone into making this disclosure.

First, let me explain what your lover is taking about is not really that abnormal. I’ve written this book to help you. I’d like you to look the whole thing over later, but right now, you’re going to need a little guidance as to what your lover meant. Fiction and the media have probably given you a very distorted idea of what it means to be a dominant or a submissive. First, and most important, it means sharing love and trust. You’ve already got that or your lover wouldn’t have put this book in your hands.

Your life isn’t going be turned upside down. You won’t have to don leather garments or carry a bullwhip, but you can if you want to. Your lover won’t be showing up at the PTA wearing nothing but chains and handcuffs. All that is going to happen is that the two of you will embark on a sensual dance, begin playing an erotic game that thousands enjoy every day.

You aren’t going to be called on to be brutal or insensitive. On the contrary, you will discover that playing the dominant role will multiply your present sensitivity to your partner many times over. At the same time, it will allow you to experience sensual pleasures that you may not have dreamed of.

Your lover will not become weak or passive. Think about the strength and courage it has taken for him or her to admit to having these feelings. That strength and courage isn’t going to disappear. In fact, by joining with him or her in this game, you will be adding to that strength and nurturing a level of confidence you haven’t seen before.

For the moment, the best thing is for the two of you to talk it over. To a large extent, BDSM is communication. Your lover has fantasies he or she wants you to enter. You need to hear these fantasies for yourself to make up your mind.

In the previous chapter you can find some techniques for exploring fantasies near the end of the First Scene chapter. You may want to use these somewhat erotic techniques or just sit down with your lover and talk. The only important things to do are to recognize how stressful this is for both of you and to not make any judgments while the two of you are talking.

Afterwards, take what you have learned, and using your imagination, turn it into something that the two of you can act out. It need not be anywhere near as complex as the fantasies you have heard. You aren’t DeNiro, and you don’t need a cast of thousands. Look at the basics. Is there bondage? Stimulation with a whip or other instrument? Fantasy characters? Humiliation? You don’t need to try them all at once. Break out one or two major ingredients and create something you can do. The rest of this book is just chock full of ideas.

Some individuals instinctively have the ability to do an amazing alchemy and turn what most people would call pain into pleasure. Others can learn to do this. Still, others, as much as they may desire to do it, cannot make the change. For example, if the fantasy includes whipping or spanking, start slowly, give five or ten relatively gentle strokes of the whip and then pause for reassurance; include a lot of feedback, including go words as well as safewords.

One novice couple came to me with a fantasy in which she was captured by a pirate and whipped on her breasts. We developed a scenario in which he demanded that she perform fellatio. By staying in her role as a well-brought-up young lady, she, of course, refused. He, then, whipped her breasts, stopping every few strokes to renew his demand. By refusing haughtily, she signaled him that all was well and she was enjoying what was going on. When the intensity of the sensation approached her limits, she “submitted” to his demands.

With men, the fantasy often revolves around humiliation. This is a delicate road to tread for both of you. Some people cannot engage in humiliation without feeling considerable discomfort even when they recognize that it is based in fantasy and play. It can result in a negative image of the person being humiliated, in a negative self image on the part of the humiliator, or the other way around.

Remember, too, that BDSM is based on consensuality. This goes in both directions. If you are not happy, or at least at peace with what you are being asked to do, sit down and discuss your feelings. It is just as wrong for someone to make you, as a dominant, do something you do not wish to do as it would be for you to force an unwilling submissive to do something.