The New Male Sexuality (33 page)

Before doing Yeses and Nos, it’s a good idea to read the next section on principles of assertive communication
.

S
UGGESTIONS FOR
D
OING
Y
ESES AND
N
OS

1. Do two Yeses and two Nos the first week, then three of each per week. As you do them, you’ll discover what is easy and what is difficult. Start with items that are easy, even trivial, and gradually work up to ones that are more difficult
.

2. Since sex is a hard issue for many men, don’t do sexual Yeses and Nos until you are comfortable doing them in other areas
.

3. Use your common sense. There are situations where the consequences of being assertive may be serious. For example, don’t get too assertive if an armed thief demands your money
.

4. Continue doing Yeses and Nos until you feel confident of being able to get what you want in sex. This may take anywhere from two to twelve weeks. Since this exercise takes only a few minutes a week, it is simple to do while you continue with other exercises in the book
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEMS

1. You try to do too much too soon; this is the most common problem in doing the exercise. Remember to start with relatively easy items. Since this is an important exercise, do it in a way that will allow you to progress and feel good about it
.

2. You feel bad about being rejected. You will undoubtedly get turned down some of the time when doing Yeses. If you are getting rejected almost every time, this means you are asking for too much or from the wrong people, or in such a way that defeats your aim
.

3. You feel guilty about being assertive. For most men, guilt diminishes in frequency and intensity as they get more practice using their assertive skills. It can also help to reread the section on entitlement earlier in this chapter
.

The Yeses and Nos exercise will provide you with many chances to try different approaches to getting what you want and evaluate their effectiveness.

PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVELY ASSERTING YOURSELF

Gottman’s research showed that happy couples talk differently than do those who end up divorced. Partners in happy relationships assert themselves, express anger, and sometimes raise their voices and even yell. Yet they do not fight dirty—they do not belittle their partners, they do not generalize their criticisms, they do not engage in name-calling, they are not sarcastic or contemptuous—and there are lots of positive comments even in the midst of conflict. This is not Utopian; happy couples actually communicate in this way.

It makes sense that we all should attempt to do what successful couples do. Since it works for them, it should also work for us. Here are some principles of effective assertion and effective communication generally. (I realize rules are hard to remember when you’re upset but my clients have found it helpful to read or hear them frequently. They say that doing so gives them reference points. They also find it helpful to do lots of mental rehearsal with the rules, that is, going over in their minds past communications that did not work out and doing it in new ways according to the principles given below.) I think the principles can be fairly summarized like this: Conduct yourself in a way that maximizes your chances of getting what you want. That means, at the very least, treating your partner in a manner that helps her be receptive to your ideas.

1
.
Keep in mind that, no matter how aggrieved you feel, you’re dealing with your beloved, not an axe murderer
. Yes, you feel she hurt you or betrayed you, and you may not feel a lot of love for her right now, but nonetheless she still is the woman you care deeply for. Sometimes looking at her can help because you can see that she too is having a hard time with the situation.

2. Be careful what you say when you’re upset or angry
. This is a controversial point. Many therapists encourage people to get their upset and
anger out whenever possible. But, as Carol Tavris documents in her wonderful book
Anger
, unleashing anger doesn’t work.

When you’re experiencing deep pain or are furious, you’re not dealing with a full deck. Your cerebral cortex, the civilized and thinking part of your brain, is not functional. Instead, what’s running you is your amygdala, a very small and primitive part of the brain that manages emotion. That’s not a lot of intellectual equipment. When people lash out in anger, they say provocative and stupid things, which encourages the listener to respond in kind. The result is usually all-out war or stony silence.

You have every right to express what’s bothering you, but you have a much greater chance of being heard and getting all or some of what you want if you wait until you’re not in the heat of anger. Until then, it’s best to keep your mouth closed—but I hasten to add that this is not the same as sulking. Maybe you should meditate, take a walk, or hug the dog until you calm down at least a bit.

There are times, of course, when your emotions will get the best of you and you will lash out. It happens in even the best of families. When that happens, you need to repair the damage as soon as possible (see
Chapter 13
).

3. Focus on your feelings and desires rather than hers
. “I’d feel more loved if we had more sex” works better than “You never want sex” or “You don’t like sex.” This is the “I language” that’s been promoted so vigorously by communication experts in recent years. Saying “I feel this” and “I’d like that” is less likely to make the listener feel defensive than are blaming or accusing statements such as “You always do this” and “You’re responsible for that.”

4
.
Keep your criticisms focused
. In other words, don’t generalize. If you’re angry that she didn’t pick you up when she said she would, you have every right to say that. But under no circumstances call her irresponsible or untrustworthy or say you can never count on her. That’s attacking her personality rather than her behavior. Stick to what actually happened.

Try not to tell your partner what she thinks or feels in a negative way; for example, avoid statements like “You’re afraid of intimacy,” “You don’t care about me,” or “You’re being irrational.” And steer clear of moralistic judgments or name-calling. Watch for words like
withholding, compulsive, hysterical, neurotic, sick, prude, slut
, and so on. These tactics almost invariably lead to countercharges and defensiveness, which is exactly what you don’t want.

Don’t bring up the past. If you’re complaining about your partner’s being
late yesterday, there’s no need to remind her that she was also late for your first date twelve years ago.

Stick with one complaint or problem at a time. People find it easier to hear about one thing they’re doing that upsets you than two or three or twenty things. The more different complaints or problems you bring up at a time, the greater the chance that your partner will feel overwhelmed and discouraged, and get defensive.

At this point you may be wondering what is a good way to express your anger about her not picking you up as she promised. It’s easy—just do it. “I’m pissed that you didn’t show up when you said you would. I left a meeting early to get there and then waited in the rain for an hour. I couldn’t call you because I had no idea where you were. I don’t like this one bit.” You have expressed your anger, no doubt about that, and let her know exactly what is upsetting you, yet you haven’t called her names, haven’t destroyed her character, haven’t resorted to contempt or sarcasm. I would say, “Well done.”

5. Show your understanding of and empathy for the listener’s position to whatever extent possible
. “I know you had a busy day and had to pick up the kids before coming to get me, but I’m still pissed.” The more she feels her position is understood, the less need she will have to explain, defend or justify herself.

6. If there’s something different you want for the future, say so clearly
. “From now on, when you’re going to pick me up outside after picking up the kids, I’d like you to call me at the office after you already have them. That way, there’s no risk I’ll be standing in the rain again.”

7. If possible, make it your problem rather than hers as much as possible
. It’s usually a matter of perspective, anyway, so why not express the perspective that’s most likely to get her to listen? You may think that her lateness is a crime against humanity that would bother any sane person. But that’s not the case. I know people whose partners are frequently late and it doesn’t bother them at all. They take the behavior into account and bring something to read or even come late themselves. So you can use this information to make your presentation more effective. “I’d like to talk about your coming late to things. I don’t know why, but it bothers me terribly [this is what I mean by making it your problem rather than hers]. I get upset when you’re not here within five or ten minutes after you say you’ll be. And I go absolutely crazy when you’re not here within half an hour. Is there anything we can do about this?”

Her willingness and ability to hear you can also be increased significantly if you acknowledge your contribution to the problem: “I realize my working so late has made you feel neglected” or “I know it didn’t help matters when I called you frigid.”

“Something bothers me about these items. They’re too nice, too considerate. I thought assertive meant being strong and really socking it to her. But you’re very concerned about her feelings and reactions.”

Assertiveness is not about having a temper tantrum. That’s assertiveness only for a two-year-old. If you’re so angry that you want to explode at your partner and don’t care about consequences, be my guest. Just be aware that this type of behavior is not assertiveness and that you’re going to have to pay for what you say. Being assertive is about effectiveness, about maximizing the chances of getting what you want. It is strong in that it directly puts forth your desires, but it is also considerate because by being respectful, understanding, and willing to negotiate, you are far more likely to get what you want.

EXAMPLES OF ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

You want your partner to stop complaining about you in public
. When the two of you are alone, you might say something like this: “I enjoy going out with you, but I have a complaint. I really dislike it when you criticize me in front of Roger and Chris [saying what bothers you]. I don’t think our finances are any of their business, and I don’t like airing our problems in public. I realize you may be frustrated because I haven’t been eager to listen to your complaints at home [showing an understanding of her position and taking responsibility for your actions]. But I want to change that. I want to hear what’s bothering you, and I promise I’ll listen and respond [saying what you’re willing to do to help], but please, not in front of other people.”

You want to figure out what your partner expects from you
. Let’s say that, following her requests for more personal expression, you’ve made a concerted effort to be more expressive, and you believe you’ve made big strides. Nonetheless, she continues to complain. You’re tempted to say: “What the hell do you want from me? You say I don’t talk enough, so I try my best and talk more, and you continue to be on my case about it. Will you ever be satisfied?” This guarantees she’ll be defensive and that things are going to get worse. Here’s a better way: “I’d like to talk about your expectations about my expressiveness, okay? I agreed with you that I needed
to say more about what’s going on with me, and I’ve worked very hard at it for the last few months. I believe I’ve made a lot of progress. But you still criticize me for not speaking up. That troubles me. I don’t know if you don’t notice the changes I’ve made, if the things I do say aren’t exactly what you want, or if your expectations are different from mine. I’d like to get your perspective on this.” You’re now asserting yourself in a way that most people would find easy to listen to. Instead of attacking her, you’re asking for a better understanding of what’s going on with her.

You want to stop feeling neglected and have more time with your partner
. “Honey, I need to talk to you about something I’m feeling, okay? I’m feeling very neglected lately. I know you love me [your acknowledgment of her love will probably prevent her from having to defend it], but it seems like you don’t have much time for me. I know your job and school take up lots of time and energy, but I feel left out. I mainly see you when you’re too tired to go out, too tired to talk, too tired for sex. Is there anything we can do about this? Maybe we could schedule one night a week when I’d have you all to myself with no homework and no calls to return.” A concise statement of the problem from your point of view says clearly what you’re feeling, shows an understanding of her position, and suggests a possible solution for her consideration.

You want more time alone
. Balancing time together and time alone is tricky for many couples. Individuals vary considerably, with some needing more alone time and some needing more togetherness, and it’s usually the case that the partners in a relationship don’t have exactly the same requirements. Making the necessary adjustments and compromises takes both assertiveness and consideration. Here’s how a conversation might start when you’ve decided you need more time alone and you’re concerned about your partner’s reaction: “I’m having a problem I’d like your help with [making it your problem and asking for help—both good ways of disarming defensiveness]. I’ve realized I’d like to go fishing by myself, but I’m concerned you’ll hear that as negative, as meaning I don’t want to be with you.” Her: “Well, I do.” “I was hoping there’s a way I could talk to you about it so you wouldn’t take it that way. Last week I saw some kids fishing, and it reminded me of how much I used to enjoy it. After a few hours being by myself in the sun, I used to feel so at peace, like a mystical experience. I was sad that I haven’t been fishing in years, that I haven’t had that wonderful feeling. I’d like to have it again.” Given the nonthreatening way you put this, it’s going to be difficult for her to feel angry or negative about the request.