The New Male Sexuality (34 page)

You want to feel better about oral sex
. “I’d like to talk to you about a problem I’m having with sex [making it your problem]. I know you don’t
like to swallow my come [acknowledging her position], but I feel terrible when you immediately grab the towel and spit it out. It makes me feel dirty and rejected. I’m not asking you to swallow [saying this will probably prevent her from having to justify her unwillingness to swallow], but I’d like to work out something that wouldn’t feel so bad.”

You want more feedback in sex
. “We’ve kidded around about how quiet you are in sex, but there is something about it that bothers me. Is this a good time to bring it up? It doesn’t bother me that you’re not a screamer, I don’t need that, but I don’t think I’m being as good a lover as I could be because I’m not getting the feedback I need. It’s hard for me to tell if you’re enjoying what I’m doing or if I should do something else. So I often feel confused, not sure if I should continue or change. Is there any way you could let me know how what I’m doing affects you?”

You want more immediate feedback in sex
. “I would enjoy sex more if I felt you really wanted me and really got off on what we’re doing. I know you’ve told me many times how much you enjoy our lovemaking, but I’d like something different. I’d like to hear how much you’re enjoying it when we’re actually doing it. I’d like to feel and hear your pleasure. Some of the things you’ve said out of bed would mean a lot more to me if you said them in bed. And I wouldn’t mind some of the sounds and movements you make when we’re dancing.”

You’d like your partner to initiate sex more
. “I think our sex is pretty terrific. But it would be even more terrific for me if you initiated it more often. I can’t describe how exciting that feels, that my woman wants me and is coming after me. Is there something we can work out about this?”

You don’t know exactly what you want. All you know for sure is that you’ve been feeling out of sorts and want to talk
. “I’ve been feeling out of it—kind of down, not really excited about anything or even interested—the last week or so. It would help if I could ramble on a bit about what’s going on. Okay with you?”

Being assertive means directly going after what you want in appropriate ways. It means avoiding the extreme position of being so passive and compliant that you don’t get your needs met, and also avoiding the other extreme of being so overbearing and aggressive that you trample on the rights of others. The middle position of assertiveness, however, is by no means a thin line. There are many, many ways to express appropriately what you want and what you don’t want, and you can find those that feel most comfortable and work best for you and your mate.

CHAPTER TWELVE

How to Be a Better Listener

My buddies and I agree that the worst four words you can ever hear from your wife are “We need to talk.” That’s enough to scare the shit out of any man. —
Man, 44

I know I’m a better listener than I used to be, but let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. The easier part was remembering to listen up during regular conversations. Much harder was remembering not to space out when she was angry or critical. But I’m doing much better, and the results have been terrific. It was definitely worth the effort. —
Man, 53

People in relationships complain all the time about not being heard. Women are the chief complainers, but statements like “My wife doesn’t understand me” are also common. I think men do have a special problem regarding listening to personal talk. They often believe it’s not important (just “women’s stuff”), or they feel free to tune out because it’s something they don’t want to deal with. This makes their partners furious, and they often attempt to make the man pay attention by repeating themselves endlessly or yelling. Then the man accuses them of nagging. Obviously, this is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

You can learn to be a better listener. Being a good listener can make a critical difference not only in your relationship and sex life but in every single aspect of your life that involves other people.

There are several barriers to listening that apply particularly to men.

Not realizing listening is important.
No one ever said that being a good listener is an important part of masculinity, so we tend to discount it. We feel free to listen with less than full attention when our partner is trying to tell us something.

Assuming and fearing that understanding is the same as agreeing.
Some men believe that if they say they understand what their partner says,
she’ll take that to mean that they agree. That isn’t the case at all. You don’t have to agree with your partner. It’s often the case in relationships that the partners don’t agree, and while the lack of agreement can cause problems, most of the time these can be ironed out. What’s important is hearing and understanding. People are usually receptive to working out an arrangement if they feel understood. If they don’t feel understood, they aren’t receptive to much of anything, because all their energy is tied up in trying to get understood or in dealing with their feelings about not being understood.

Not understanding the feeling that’s expressed
. Communications consist of at least two parts: content (what is said) and affect (the feeling[s] behind it). Because we men haven’t been trained to give much importance to feelings, we’re more likely to get the content and miss the feeling, meaning that the speaker will not feel understood. The feeling is usually more important than the content.

Let’s say your partner is feeling neglected. Ideally, she would just say so. But that’s not always how it goes. So without mentioning neglect, she accuses you of having an affair. Her feeling of neglect is the issue, but it’s easy to miss that and get caught up in defending yourself against the accusation. The problem is that proving you aren’t having an affair will settle nothing. She’ll still feel neglected.

Judgmentalism—criticizing the speaker’s feelings or position.
Your partner says her boss takes advantage of her generosity, and you tell her she’s overreacting or that the situation isn’t as bad as she thinks. Now she has to persuade you that it’s exactly that bad.

Another example of judgmentalism is commenting that her feelings aren’t logical, maybe because she expresses two seemingly contradictory emotions. But feelings have their own logic. It’s common to have contradictory feelings. Love and hate come quickly to mind. One can experience both of these emotions at the same time toward the same person, especially a parent, child, or spouse. Feelings aren’t neat and clean, like a balance sheet or a syllogism.

Trying to fix things rather than just listen
. Since men are trained to be problem solvers, when we hear of a difficulty we immediately set out to make it right. It’s hard to remember that there’s often nothing to fix. Your partner may just want a listener. It’s common for a woman to say, “I just wanted to tell him about a problem I’m having. But before I even get it all out, he’s already got four things for me to do to make it better. I don’t need him to solve my problems. All I wanted was a sympathetic ear.”